Jokes..

Raith_C_Chattonell

Not a joke but a true story.

I had to see a urologist at the beginning of this month as my PSA had risen slightly.  He (a gentleman) was kind enough to forewarn me that his finger was about to enter for the much dreaded test.  As he went about his business he casually said, 'Oh by the way, if you want a second opinion I could always shove another finger up'.  Well I never believed that a man with his finger up my arse could make me giggle, but he did. 

I guess it must be urologist joke number 1A ... but I'd never heard it before. 

LawrieAbrahams

You should have asked him to assure that you couldn't feel two hands on your shoulders.

iaitch

When you asked where to put your trousers.

Did he reply' just put them over there on mine'.

LoOkOuT

My mate’s just asked me to do his hair for a reggae reggae party. 

I’m dreading it. 

sarge1g

Retiree Mental Fitness Evaluation   This test is to ascertain your mental state now. If you get one right you are doing ok, if you get none right you better go for counseling. (I'll meet you there.) There are 4 test questions. Don’t miss one.    Giraffe Test    1.  How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?     Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.              The correct answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.      Elephant Test 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?                    Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer.   Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.   Lion King Test 3. The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference. All the animals attend ... except one. Which animal does not attend?               Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.   Crocodile Test 4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?          Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Haven’t you been lis-ten-ing? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes. According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide… Around 90% of the Retirees they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most Retirees do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

cafcfan1990

Sorry Sarge that’s woeful 

thai malaysia addick

cafcfan1990 said:

Sorry Sarge that’s woeful 

Corporal punishment was banned years ago though.

lolwray

SoundAsa£ said:

ozaddick said:

Mr. Happy said:

ozaddick said:

I’ve just been thrown out of my local supermarket by the manger.
He said I can’t have milk, eggs, cheese or even yogurt!
 How diary! 

I’ll get me coat... 

Don't forget your diary either mate. 

Hahaha! I was rather pissed when I typed that! 

Liar liar pants on fire!

Lair ...surely 

Jints

Must be seriously old. Anderson consulting changed its name to Accenture about 20 years ago!

Solidgone

Jints said:

Must be seriously old. Anderson consulting changed its name to Accenture about 20 years ago!

I don’t get it...is it one of those no-sense jokes😉

Sarrf_London

Seconded

blackpool72

cafcfan1990 said:

Sorry Sarge that’s woeful 

I thought it was very good. 
Just given him a like 

Red_James

Prince Charles is in isolation at Balmoral with Covid-19

Prince Andrew is in isolation at Windsor with Jennifer 14

Stig

AddicksAddict

The quote is from another thread about Seb so I didn't think it was right to post it there.

aliwibble said:

Ketts, it was an honest mistake made in the spirit of friendship. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Beating yourself up could be the new boxing for the isolation age.

MrWalker

Day 8 of self-isolation.
If 'sore penis' is a Coronovirus symptom, I'm in a world of trouble.

MrWalker

Matchmaking can be difficult. I texted my dyslexic friend and asked her if she fancied Alan, and she got really upset for some reason.

Ooops - edited thanks AA, LA!

AddicksAddict

MrWalker said:

Matchmaking can be difficult. I texted my friend and asked her if she fancied Alan, and she got really upset for some reason.

Je ne comprend pas.

LawrieAbrahams

I think the friend was dyslexic.

AddicksAddict

Frappé, Frappé.

Qui est là?

Losti.

Losti qui?

AddicksAddict

LawrieAbrahams said:

I think the friend was dyslexic.

I think that's the sort of information you have to included in the joke for it to have a chance of being a joke.

AddicksAddict

I've got a pet gorilla.  It's 5'8" and weighs 200kg.

Where does it sleep?

Anywhere it wants to.

LawrieAbrahams

AddicksAddict said:

LawrieAbrahams said:

I think the friend was dyslexic.

I think that's the sort of information you have to included in the joke for it to have a chance of being a joke.

Precisely, Dud. 

MrWalker

LawrieAbrahams said:

AddicksAddict said:

LawrieAbrahams said:

I think the friend was dyslexic.

I think that's the sort of information you have to included in the joke for it to have a chance of being a joke.

Precisely, Dud. 

OK it's a jokes thread. Maybe forgive a simple mistake? Sad. 
Note to self. Don't bother with jokes thread again. 

cafcfan1990

MrWalker said:

LawrieAbrahams said:

AddicksAddict said:

LawrieAbrahams said:

I think the friend was dyslexic.

I think that's the sort of information you have to included in the joke for it to have a chance of being a joke.

Precisely, Dud. 

OK it's a jokes thread. Maybe forgive a simple mistake? Sad. 
Note to self. Don't bother with jokes thread again. 

Chill out. It says jokes thread, not shit jokes with info missing. 

Taxi_Lad

I ordered Chinese last night. Small Chinese driver comes to door and I walked out to meet him. He started shouting "isolate" "isolate" I said your not that late I only ordered 25 minutes ago.

MrWalker

cafcfan1990 said:

MrWalker said:

LawrieAbrahams said:

AddicksAddict said:

LawrieAbrahams said:

I think the friend was dyslexic.

I think that's the sort of information you have to included in the joke for it to have a chance of being a joke.

Precisely, Dud. 

OK it's a jokes thread. Maybe forgive a simple mistake? Sad. 
Note to self. Don't bother with jokes thread again. 

Chill out. It says jokes thread, not shit jokes with info missing. 

Is that a joke? 

Bromley Graham

I was putting my bins out tonight around 8pm and all my neighbours came out and applauded me!!!!

Blackheathen

MrWalker said:

cafcfan1990 said:

MrWalker said:

LawrieAbrahams said:

AddicksAddict said:

LawrieAbrahams said:

I think the friend was dyslexic.

I think that's the sort of information you have to included in the joke for it to have a chance of being a joke.

Precisely, Dud. 

OK it's a jokes thread. Maybe forgive a simple mistake? Sad. 
Note to self. Don't bother with jokes thread again. 

Chill out. It says jokes thread, not shit jokes with info missing. 

Is that a joke? 

Thought you’d gone

limeygent

MrWalker said:

LawrieAbrahams said:

AddicksAddict said:

LawrieAbrahams said:

I think the friend was dyslexic.

I think that's the sort of information you have to included in the joke for it to have a chance of being a joke.

Precisely, Dud. 

OK it's a jokes thread. Maybe forgive a simple mistake? Sad. 
Note to self. Don't bother with jokes thread again. 

A bit sensitive, suggest you don't post on any of the politics threads.