Anyone else spot the delightful irony in this pic, in the otherwise deplorable situation in Trumps USA?
I can't say I'm seeing any irony here.
Secret service...
That's not ironic, the US Secret Service isn't secret. It's not like our Secret Services.
I think this thread is meant to be about humour, hence the title “Jokes”, you might want to head over to the group that discusses politics instead. Just trying to be helpful 🙂
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You've got £20,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £2,000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “It's for you to decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.
Anyone else spot the delightful irony in this pic, in the otherwise deplorable situation in Trumps USA?
I can't say I'm seeing any irony here.
Secret service...
That's not ironic, the US Secret Service isn't secret. It's not like our Secret Services.
I think this thread is meant to be about humour, hence the title “Jokes”, you might want to head over to the group that discusses politics instead. Just trying to be helpful 🙂
Yes, jokes, humour, I get it. When something's funny, I laugh. Sometimes out loud.
Anyone else spot the delightful irony in this pic, in the otherwise deplorable situation in Trumps USA?
I can't say I'm seeing any irony here.
Secret service...
That's not ironic, the US Secret Service isn't secret. It's not like our Secret Services.
Well it bloody should be! otherwise why bother and just call it the Service or the Overt Service, no wonder flipping Alannis Morrisette had trouble understanding Irony, (Oh before its pointed out I know shes Canadian but its only next door).
1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house.
2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not.
3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open.
4. You must not go to work but you can get another job and go to work.
5. You should not go to the Doctor's or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there.
6. This virus can kill people, but don’t be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable. It’s possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.
7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes, or not.
8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out.
9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you won’t need loo rolls but you should buy some just in case you need some.
10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it affects.
11. Animals are not affected, but there was a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…
12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11).
13. You will have many symptoms if you get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms.
14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand as it's better not to go to the shops, unless you need toilet roll or a fence panel.
15. It's important to get fresh air but don't go to parks but go for a walk. But don’t sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if you’re not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down don’t eat your picnic, unless you've had a long walk, which you are/aren't allowed to do if you're old or pregnant.
16. Don’t visit old people but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication.
17. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household can’t go out when you are better unless they need to go out.
18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours including frozen pizza.
19. You can't see your older mother or grandmother but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.
20. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.
21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours ... or four hours...or six hours... I mean days, not hours. But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry... in the air, as long as the air is not plastic.
22. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you can send them to school because you’re not at home. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes can be considered maths, science or art. If you are home educating you can include household chores within their education. If you are home educating you can start drinking at 10am.
23. If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking at 10am.
24. The number of corona related deaths will be announced daily but we don't know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that's what they will die of. The people who die of corona who aren’t counted, won’t or will be counted but maybe not.
25. We should stay in locked down until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so it’s important we get infected and some don’t get infected.
26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours won’t call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music whilst also having a party which you are allowed to call the police about.
27. No business will go down due to Coronavirus except those businesses that will go down due to Coronavirus.
1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house.
2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not.
3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open.
4. You must not go to work but you can get another job and go to work.
5. You should not go to the Doctor's or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there.
6. This virus can kill people, but don’t be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable. It’s possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.
7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes, or not.
8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out.
9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you won’t need loo rolls but you should buy some just in case you need some.
10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it affects.
11. Animals are not affected, but there was a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…
12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11).
13. You will have many symptoms if you get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms.
14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand as it's better not to go to the shops, unless you need toilet roll or a fence panel.
15. It's important to get fresh air but don't go to parks but go for a walk. But don’t sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if you’re not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down don’t eat your picnic, unless you've had a long walk, which you are/aren't allowed to do if you're old or pregnant.
16. Don’t visit old people but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication.
17. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household can’t go out when you are better unless they need to go out.
18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours including frozen pizza.
19. You can't see your older mother or grandmother but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.
20. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.
21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours ... or four hours...or six hours... I mean days, not hours. But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry... in the air, as long as the air is not plastic.
22. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you can send them to school because you’re not at home. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes can be considered maths, science or art. If you are home educating you can include household chores within their education. If you are home educating you can start drinking at 10am.
23. If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking at 10am.
24. The number of corona related deaths will be announced daily but we don't know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that's what they will die of. The people who die of corona who aren’t counted, won’t or will be counted but maybe not.
25. We should stay in locked down until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so it’s important we get infected and some don’t get infected.
26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours won’t call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music whilst also having a party which you are allowed to call the police about.
27. No business will go down due to Coronavirus except those businesses that will go down due to Coronavirus.
"I'm blind. Just bring me one of your dirty forks.. I will smell it & order."
The confused owner got a fork. The blind man smelt the fork with a deep breath. "Yes, I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables.
"Unbelievable!" thought the owner.
The blind man ate and left. 2 weeks later the blind man returned.
The owner, wanting to see how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking.
He said, "Do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part!", which she does!
He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it, puts it to his nose and says "Fuck me"..., I never knew Brenda worked here!"
1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house.
2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not.
3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open.
4. You must not go to work but you can get another job and go to work.
5. You should not go to the Doctor's or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there.
6. This virus can kill people, but don’t be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable. It’s possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.
7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes, or not.
8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out.
9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you won’t need loo rolls but you should buy some just in case you need some.
10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it affects.
11. Animals are not affected, but there was a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there…
12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11).
13. You will have many symptoms if you get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms.
14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand as it's better not to go to the shops, unless you need toilet roll or a fence panel.
15. It's important to get fresh air but don't go to parks but go for a walk. But don’t sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if you’re not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down don’t eat your picnic, unless you've had a long walk, which you are/aren't allowed to do if you're old or pregnant.
16. Don’t visit old people but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication.
17. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household can’t go out when you are better unless they need to go out.
18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours including frozen pizza.
19. You can't see your older mother or grandmother but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.
20. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.
21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours ... or four hours...or six hours... I mean days, not hours. But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry... in the air, as long as the air is not plastic.
22. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you can send them to school because you’re not at home. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes can be considered maths, science or art. If you are home educating you can include household chores within their education. If you are home educating you can start drinking at 10am.
23. If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking at 10am.
24. The number of corona related deaths will be announced daily but we don't know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that's what they will die of. The people who die of corona who aren’t counted, won’t or will be counted but maybe not.
25. We should stay in locked down until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so it’s important we get infected and some don’t get infected.
26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours won’t call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music whilst also having a party which you are allowed to call the police about.
27. No business will go down due to Coronavirus except those businesses that will go down due to Coronavirus.
Comments
Man watching 6 men beating up his mother-in-law
Bystander to man: Shouldn’t you be helping?
He made a great job of the landing
But he still can't say please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Paramedics are on the scene and they say he's coming round slowly.
Son: "To gat married and be happy"
Me:"Make up your mind son. You can't have both"
They were having a right ding dong.