One of mates has 2 spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at Luton Registry Office, at 2.30pm. The bride's name is Pauline , she's 5'4", about 12 stone, quite pretty and is a really good cook......
One of mates has 2 spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at Luton Registry Office, at 2.30pm. The bride's name is Pauline , she's 5'4", about 12 stone, quite pretty and is a really good cook......
One of mates has 2 spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at Luton Registry Office, at 2.30pm. The bride's name is Pauline , she's 5'4", about 12 stone, quite pretty and is a really good cook......
2 Lols for this is criminal.
Its a very old joke... Although I've heard David Marshall went sprinting back
I was woke up in the middle of the night with my wife poking me in the back with a broom handle,I said what do you think your doing,she said well you do it !!!
It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.
Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".
Kane looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Kane goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Kane 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Kane 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"
It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.
Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".
Kane looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Kane goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Kane 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Kane 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down...
I got sent off after 12 minutes"
I think it was Kevin Keegan the first time I heard this one!
A foursome is on the last hole when the last golfer drives off the tee and hooks into a cow pasture. He advises his friends to play through and he will meet them at the clubhouse. They follow the plan and wait for their friend. After a considerable time he appears dishevelled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all want to know what happened.
He explains “I went over to the cow pasture but I couldn’t find my ball. I noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. I went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so I knew it wasn’t mine. Then a woman came out of the bushes, apparently searching for her lost golf ball. I lifted the cow’s tail and asked “Does this look like yours?
A guy goes to his doctor. “Doctor, I have an embarrassing problem”
”I’m sure it’s nothing I haven’t seen before” the doctor tells him.
”Well’ says the man, ‘look at this”
And he pulls his pants down. His dick is bright orange. The doctor agrees he has never seen anything like it before. The doctor consults all his medical books, rings around his doctor friends and does some research on the internet. But he cannot find anything about orange dicks.
Finally, the doctor says to the man, “Maybe there’s a clue in your daily routine. Tell me what you do”
Nothing out of the ordinary, says the man. In the morning I go to work. From nine to five I work in an office. Then I go home. I have dinner at about six thirty. Then I watch the seven o’clock news on tv. And from seven thirty until bed time I watch porno movies and eat cheezels.
Think we need to be careful of those kind of jokes at the minute!
To be fair its a European Championship coming up, not a World Cup
And Uefa went and ruined a very fine and enduring joke by not even putting a Scot on the referee list this time round. Never mind, there's always next time.
Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some shi*e eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar". Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullsh*t,I'm off to France to check this out."
So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.
Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"
The crowd are up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out you only killed 25,000 !!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.
Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing... . Away Gauls count double in Europe."
Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some shi*e eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar". Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullsh*t,I'm off to France to check this out."
So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.
Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"
The crowd are up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out you only killed 25,000 !!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.
Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and says "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing... . Away Gauls count double in Europe."
Our dentist in Farnham is called The White House. A while ago my wife needed to book a check up. Her excuse is she didn't have her glasses when she looked up the phone number. The White House operator confirmed Obama didn't do dental check ups.
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He explains “I went over to the cow pasture but I couldn’t find my ball. I noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. I went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so I knew it wasn’t mine. Then a woman came out of the bushes, apparently searching for her lost golf ball. I lifted the cow’s tail and asked “Does this look like yours?
And that’s the last thing I can remember”
”I’m sure it’s nothing I haven’t seen before” the doctor tells him.
”Well’ says the man, ‘look at this”
And he pulls his pants down. His dick is bright orange. The doctor agrees he has never seen anything like it before. The doctor consults all his medical books, rings around his doctor friends and does some research on the internet. But he cannot find anything about orange dicks.
Finally, the doctor says to the man, “Maybe there’s a clue in your daily routine. Tell me what you do”
Nothing out of the ordinary, says the man. In the morning I go to work. From nine to five I work in an office. Then I go home. I have dinner at about six thirty. Then I watch the seven o’clock news on tv. And from seven thirty until bed time I watch porno movies and eat cheezels.