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  • Doctor says to the woman "I'm afraid you're overweight"

    Woman replies "How dare you, I demand a second opinion"

    Doctor "Ok, You're feckin ugly as well".
  • prof of maths sends his wife a text

    "dear wife youre 54 yrs old, you can no longer satisfy my needs so when you get this text i will be in a hotel with my 18yr old assistant i am sorry but i will be home late"

    Wife sends a reply

    "Dear Husband by the time you get this i will be at another hotel with an 18yr old toyboy, now your a mathematician so youll know that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 into 18 so dont wait up floppy knob"
  • Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue, Paddy says " These women are gorgeous and the prices are reasonable too"

    Mick agrees " I am ordering one of them right now paddy"

    3 weeks later Paddy meets Mick in the pub

    "Has your woman turned up yet Mick"

    "No" says Mick

    "But it wont be long now her clothes arrived Yesterday"
  • I am in trouble with the wife

    we were in bed last night and she said

    " What would you like to do to my body"

    Apparently " Identify it" is not the right answer
  • Has to be done in an Australian accent.

    Aussie Dj asks people to call in with words in use but not in the dictionary.
    DJ - "Ok caller, what's your word"
    Caller - "Gaan"
    Dj - "And how would you use it in a sentence caller"
    Caller - "Gaan fuck yerself"

    Dj apologises to the audience and takes the next call.

    DJ - "Ok caller, what's your word"
    Caller "Smee"
    Dj - "And how would you use it in a sentence caller"
    Caller "Smee again. Gaan fuck yerself"
  • I met a girl in the park the other day there was a real spark between us, she immediately dropped to the floor and laid on the grass at my feet.

    As we lay making love i thought these Taser guns are well worth the money
  • ThEySaYpEoPLeTHattAkeiTuPtHeArSeaReaBiTsLowAtReAdiNG
  • For Sale one massive Ipad touch interactive screen

    all enquires to

    [email protected]
  • I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.

    I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."

    But she did.
  • Woman walks past a pet shop and sees a parrot for sale for £10.
    She goes into the shop and says to the owner "Why is that parrot so cheap."
    "It used to live in a brothel" the owner replied.
    The woman found it funny so decided to buy it.

    When she got home the parrot said " F*** me! New brothel".
    The woman laughed and took it through to the living room.
    Later that day her two daughters returned home from work and as they walked in the room the parrot said "F*** me! New girls"
    The girls and their mum all laughed.
    Later that evening the womens husband walked in.
    "F*** me Keith! Long time no see" squawked the parrot.
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  • Just in: Andy Gray has been offered a contract to do the voice-over in Yorkie adverts.
  • I think all of the jokes about the sky presenters detracts from the serious issue of the male sexist attitude towards women involved in football. It would be really nice to see Sky adopt equal opportunities and maybe even give the ladies the role presenting the live football games ............................. especially the blonde ones with big tits.
  • Tea is for mugs.
  • Whiteboards are remarkable.
  • Whiteboards are remarkable.
  • I've been playing the pre release of FIFA 12 today, it's fantasitc, the realism really takes a huge step up this time, whenever my girlfriend picks up the controller Andy Gray shouts "Get back in the f*cking kitchen!"
  • Ronaldo sends a tweet "God sent me to show people how the game should be played.."

    Messi sees it and tweeted "F*ck me, I cannot remember sending him..."

    Apparently there's claims that this is true and was done in Spanish......
  • A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

    'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started

    The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we
    go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me,

    'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

    The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for

    'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

    WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up,
    and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

    She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do
    YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

    'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fucking Coco Pops'
  • edited January 2011
    Steven Hawking was chatting to his carer when he said that he was going out on a date that evening for the first time in years. The carer was worried at first, but seeing as it seemed to make him happy didnt say anything and helped him get ready for the big evening. After he left, she decided that should would wait up for him to make sure he got home ok...

    A couple of hours later, he returned with broken glasses, bruises all over his face and arms and cuts all up his legs...

    "What happened Steven?" the carer asked....

    "It was terrible" he said, "she stood me up"...
  • A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
    She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from.
    So he says, "Do you know me?"
    To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
    Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

    She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
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  • An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window ‘Pianist wanted for evening performances’.

    ‘F*cking get in there you c*nt!’ he says to himself and goes to the bar. ‘Get the f*cking manager of this pigshit middle classw*nkhole please… you c*nt’, he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. ‘Can I help you sir?’ he says

    ‘Yes you can you fat piece of sh*t, I saw your poxy advert in the c*ntting window and I’m here to audition…..w*nker.’ The manager is naturally put off by the man’s abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune he Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, ‘Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?’

    ‘That song was called “Excuse me prime minister but I just f***ed your daughter, and now the bitch is blind…’

    ‘Oh’ says the manager ‘err, can you play me another. Something a little less “lively”. ‘W*nker..’ interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.

    ‘That little number was called “Sometimes when you do a bird up the a*** you get sh*t on your bell-end.’

    I see’ says the manager, ‘Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?’

    ‘Well there’s my jazz number “Do you want me to split your ringhole”, or there’s the epic “I don’t care if you’re older my dear, you’ve still got nice jugs”.

    ‘Look’ says the manager interrupting, I think you’re a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little “racy”. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.’

    ‘F*ck it’ says the pianist ‘Why not’. On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty.

    The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

    During the interval the pianist has got such an impressive ‘swelling’ that he decides to go to the bog and pollish one off, to ‘relax himself’. Just as he has ‘relinquished’ he hears himself being re-introduced over the P.A, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.

    After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. ‘Hi’ she says. ‘Hello’ he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, ‘Do you know your penis is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?’

    ‘Know it?’ says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

    I f*cking wrote it!!!’
  • hahahaha i was laughing even before the punchline, thats quality liam
  • It's one of my personal favourite jokes ever for that very reason Gary.

    Apologies for the spelling and grammar, was a quick copy and paste job.
  • Jim Comes home to find his 18yr old daughter with a pink dildo up her arse

    "What the Effing hell are you doing" he shouts

    "Well you wont let me have a boyfriend so this is my substitute"

    The next night the daughter comes home to find her dad with a pink dildo up his arse whilst drink a can of beer

    "What the Effing hell are you doing"

    "I am having a beer with your boyfriend" the dad replies
  • BBC NEWSFLASH: British tourists escape on nightboat to Cairo.

    It must be Madness out there....
  • Kenny Dalglish has hit a stroke of genius signing Andy Carroll.

    Utilising his women beating abilities to appeal against all future offside decisions
  • A man goes to a nudist beach to catch some sun and puts a hat over his privates so they won't burn.
    He lays there for a while when a lady walks past and says ''If you were a gentleman you would raise your hat''
    He then says ''If you weren't so ugly it would raise itself''.
  • My gran was in hospital after having an operation to try and cure her colour blindness.She asked me to take her favourite sweet in for her
    but I couldn't find a Terrys Chocolate Purple anywhere..
  • As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:

    PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?
    CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy
    PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus !
    CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!
    PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse !!
    CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!
    PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down !!
    CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!
    PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de
    Holy Mudder a Gad !!!
    CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

    So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse,
    puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to
    the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires
    squealed, and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all
    the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft
    came to stop but a few meters from the end of the runway!!!

    As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy
    looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de
    shartist fookin runway in de world!"

    Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?"
  • There were 3 men at a bar who all ordered a pint. An Italian, an Englishman and an Irishman.

    The Englishman gets his pint and there's a fly in it so he looks at is with disgust and says, "Oh you simply must take this back and get me a new clean pint."

    The Italian gets his pint and there's a fly in it so he picks it out and drinks the pint.

    The Irishman gets his pint and there's a fly in it. He picks up the fly and starts shaking it over his beer saying, "Spit it out! Spit it out!!!"
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Roland Out!