This doesn't work so well when you write it but a stupid joke when you're with friends:
You: did you hear that actress got stabbed? Whats her name, you know the one in Legally Blonde, Reese someone? Other Person: Witherspoon? You: No with a knife
Father, mother and beautiful doughter are sitting round the fire watching the tele. It's cold. The fire is getting low and mother asks who is getting the coal? "Not me" says Dad. "Not me" says beautiful daughter. "Well I'm not" says mum. "ok" says dad, "let's have a competition. First one to speak gets the coal".
So, there they are, not saying a word, watching tele, and in walks the beautiful daughter's boyfriend. "Evening all" he says. Not a word.
"What are you watching?". Not a word.
So he decides to touch his beautiful girlfriend's tits and her nipples get all perky, but still not a word. He then puts his hand up her short skirt and she is very wet but still not a word.
"Hmm" he thinks, "I've always fancied my beautiful girlfriend's mum". So, he sidles over, sits down next to his beautiful girlfriend's mum, and grabs her tits. Her nipples are like organ stops but not a word. He then puts his hand up her skirt and her legs are slightly open and he has a good feel. She gasps but still not a word.
"Hmm" he thinks. "there's something fishy going on here". So, he decides to make a cup of tea and think about it.
He's in the kitchen making the tea and, shit, he scolds his hand on the steam from the kettle. Not knowing what to do he goes back in the other room and says "does anyone have any vaseline?
And father jumps up and says "I'll get the coal!".
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian.
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I Will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, that you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name. So, the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
I've just tried 2 buy tickets 4 an Elvis tribute act. What a nightmare!!! it was one of those automated telephone systems.... I had to press 1 for the money..2 for the show!
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, ‘what a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.’
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd be f**ked if he needed glasses'.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" to which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher".
I can never understand the point of lap-dancing clubs..................If i wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, i'd just stay at home!
My wife just asked me to do that thing from the full monty.So i stood up and started singing that tune "you can leave your hat on" as i unbuttoned my shirt and swayed my hips from side to side.........."NO" she interrupted "Get down the fucking job centre you lazy sod".
Comments
You: did you hear that actress got stabbed? Whats her name, you know the one in Legally Blonde, Reese someone?
Other Person: Witherspoon?
You: No with a knife
Woke up in the night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was stood at the end of the bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
Who's there?
The interrupting cow
The interru.....
Moo
So, there they are, not saying a word, watching tele, and in walks the beautiful daughter's boyfriend. "Evening all" he says. Not a word.
"What are you watching?". Not a word.
So he decides to touch his beautiful girlfriend's tits and her nipples get all perky, but still not a word. He then puts his hand up her short skirt and she is very wet but still not a word.
"Hmm" he thinks, "I've always fancied my beautiful girlfriend's mum". So, he sidles over, sits down next to his beautiful girlfriend's mum, and grabs her tits. Her nipples are like organ stops but not a word. He then puts his hand up her skirt and her legs are slightly open and he has a good feel. She gasps but still not a word.
"Hmm" he thinks. "there's something fishy going on here". So, he decides to make a cup of tea and think about it.
He's in the kitchen making the tea and, shit, he scolds his hand on the steam from the kettle. Not knowing what to do he goes back in the other room and says "does anyone have any vaseline?
I told my girlfriend I suffer from premature ejaculation
She took it on the chin
I can't find the thing that peels the spuds and carrots do you know where it is
She left you last week they both said
Why because I am small and cute she replied
No I said cos I am gonna bang you on my coffee table later
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian.
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I Will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, that you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name. So, the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
I said I wouldn't do that if I was you
No but you put your cock in auntie Sarah's arse whilst mum is at work
I said
There's chocolate ones in the fridge
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately,
the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was
invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, little Johnnie's
dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything
about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the
smacking of his life when they came back home.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, ‘what a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.’
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have
20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd be f**ked if he needed glasses'.
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
How the fuck these cuntbrained arseholes come up with these bastard cocksucking titwanking ideas if beyond me...........for fucks sake.
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"It's me Mummy... It's Maddie!"
"But... But it can't be... We buried you..."
"Yeah, I'm just fucking about. It's Gerry, I forgot my key.
Daughter-in-law replies, "I've got a fanny between my legs, not a fucking photocopier".
VG
that gave me my first laugh out loud in ages well worth the risk