When Bob was asked whether he preferred legs or breasts, he said he actually had a particular fondness for shaven fannies....
He was then informed that this was not an option when ordering a KFC bargain bucket!
Old guy goes to the doctor to get results of some tests. The doctor said ' Im sorry to say that you are suffering from two conditions....' 'That's alright doctor, tell me what is the first one' 'Well following the scan we found that you have cancer' 'Oh dear, and what else have I got?' 'You are suffering from quite advanced Alzheimers Disease' 'Oh that's not so bad, I thought you were going to tell me that I have cancer'....
Woman goes out to play a round of golf it's not long before she is back in clubhouse complaining to the club professional "I've just been stung by a bee" she moans "Where did it sting you" asks the club pro "Between the first and second holes" she bleats "You're feet are too far apart" says the pro
I was having a pretty big shit last night and at the highest point of struggle to drop it out, my wife accidentally turned off the light in the toilet.
Immediately I started to scream like crazy, she turned it back on and asked through the door "what's the matter, are you alright"?
With a huge relief, I replied: "Nothing, I'm fine, I just thought my eyes popped out".
"Doctor, Doctor, every morning I find myself singing 'The Green Green Grass of Home', then at lunchtime I can't stop humming 'Delilah' and all night I sing 'Sex Bomb'." "You have Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it rare?" "It's Not Unusual..."
Well, there were two prawns swimming lazily about when Jason said to Christian 'I'm fed up with this, nothing exciting ever happens'. 'I dunno' said Christian, 'It's not a bad life really'' 'Sometimes I wish I was a shark, they have all the fun', said Jason.Just then a large cod swam past them in the murky water. 'Your wish will be granted', said the cod in a deep, boomy voice. And sure enough, when he woke up in the morning, Jason found that he was indeed a shark. He rushed out to tell everybody but they all swam away as soon as they saw him. ' Fellas, it's me, Jason', he called but no-one came near except his old chum Christian who took him down to the bar for a cocktail to talk things over. 'They're all scared in case you eat them', said Christian 'Course I won't ', said Jason but as time passed he got lonelier and lonelier and more importantly, hungrier and hungrier After a week he suddenly said 'I wish I was a prawn again and swimming with my friends'. And, believe it or not the very same mysterious cod was swimming past again. 'Your wish will be granted' , he said in the same boomy voice. Sure enough when he woke up in the morning,Jason was once again a prawn. He rushed round to Christian's house to tell him but his friend wouldn't believe him or let him in, 'You're a shark and you'll eat me', he said 'No, no', shouted Jason, 'I found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian'.
By far the best engine in the world is the fanny!
It pulls anything,
takes any size piston,
self lubricates,
starts with one finger,
and every four weeks does its own oil change......
It's just a pity the management system is so f*cking tempermental!
I bought myself some fabulous new crocodile skin boots. I thought I looked the absolute dogs, couldn’t wait to show them off to the missus.
So I put them on, and waited for her to come home from work. When she got in, she said nothing beyond the usual hello, so after a bit I asked her if she noticed anything different about me. She looked me up and down, and shook her head. Slightly annoyed, I went upstairs and took off all my clothes, except the boots, then returned. NOW do you notice anything different? I asked her.
Mmm, well, you look pretty much the same to me. Still a bit overweight, and your cock’s drooping down the way it always does.
“It’s trying to get a closer look at my new bloody boots, you stupid woman!”
It was entertainment night at the Old Folks Home. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.' The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want each one of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:
'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'
The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
...It took three days to clean up the Old Folks Home!!!
My ex said to me the other day 'you would rather watch Charlton, than spend time with me!'
I said 'I'd rather watch Millwall than spend time with you!!'
Comments
He knocks on the door, no response. Knocks again and a couple of minutes later a chinese guy answers the door.
"Where's your bin" says the binmam. "Oh sorry me been in the bath" he replies.
Sensing the language barrier the binman asks "No sorry, I meant where's your wheely bin?"
Oh ok, I really been having a w*nk, the guy replies!
He said
"Any change mate?"
I said,
" No mate, I still got the big house and flash car!"
Not screaming and shouting like the passengers on his bus...
Upsetting news, but I suppose I should be grateful for the tenner I get for my birthday, every week!
"What time is kick off today?"
- "what time can you make it?"
He was then informed that this was not an option when ordering a KFC bargain bucket!
I said, "Honey, I think that's a myth."
"No", she replied, "It's definitely a butterfly."
"I've just been stung by a bee" she moans
"Where did it sting you" asks the club pro
"Between the first and second holes" she bleats
"You're feet are too far apart" says the pro
Immediately I started to scream like crazy, she turned it back on and asked through the door "what's the matter, are you alright"?
With a huge relief, I replied: "Nothing, I'm fine, I just thought my eyes popped out".
Yesterday I was at my local Tesco's buying a large bag of Purina dog
food for my Daughters Springer Spaniel and was in the checkout queue
when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones
before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled
with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from the Tesco's.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in
the world to think of daft things to say.
doesn't help your sex life much, but stops your biscuit going soft.
"You have Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it rare?"
"It's Not Unusual..."
I had ten aftershocks last night and I couldn't find my house...
'I dunno' said Christian, 'It's not a bad life really''
'Sometimes I wish I was a shark, they have all the fun', said Jason.Just then a large cod swam past them in the murky water. 'Your wish will be granted', said the cod in a deep, boomy voice. And sure enough, when he woke up in the morning, Jason found that he was indeed a shark. He rushed out to tell everybody but they all swam away as soon as they saw him. ' Fellas, it's me, Jason', he called but no-one came near except his old chum Christian who took him down to the bar for a cocktail to talk things over.
'They're all scared in case you eat them', said Christian
'Course I won't ', said Jason but as time passed he got lonelier and lonelier and more importantly, hungrier and hungrier
After a week he suddenly said 'I wish I was a prawn again and swimming with my friends'. And, believe it or not the very same mysterious cod was swimming past again. 'Your wish will be granted' , he said in the same boomy voice.
Sure enough when he woke up in the morning,Jason was once again a prawn. He rushed round to Christian's house to tell him but his friend wouldn't believe him or let him in, 'You're a shark and you'll eat me', he said
'No, no', shouted Jason, 'I found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian'.
I'll get me anorak (: - )
It pulls anything,
takes any size piston,
self lubricates,
starts with one finger,
and every four weeks does its own oil change......
It's just a pity the management system is so f*cking tempermental!
So I put them on, and waited for her to come home from work. When she got in, she said nothing beyond the usual hello, so after a bit I asked her if she noticed anything different about me. She looked me up and down, and shook her head. Slightly annoyed, I went upstairs and took off all my clothes, except the boots, then returned. NOW do you notice anything different? I asked her.
Mmm, well, you look pretty much the same to me. Still a bit overweight, and your cock’s drooping down the way it always does.
“It’s trying to get a closer look at my new bloody boots, you stupid woman!”
“You should have bought a hat”
(Milton Jones)
'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'
The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
...It took three days to clean up the Old Folks Home!!!
.
.
Lenny Henry.
Dr. Dre!
I said 'I'd rather watch Millwall than spend time with you!!'
A. Because each time they get a corner, they open a shop.
A Scottish captain once lent the referee a coin for the toss and demanded his whistle as security.
They say that pessimists see the cup as half empty, and optimists as half full
My team haven't even seen the cup !
At the end of the day, football means not having to go to Sainsburys on Saturday.