New Article: Saint Christopher and the Fear at the Valley of Death

And it did come to pass that Saint Christopher and the chosen people of the red Valley did hit a rocky patch on their tireless march to the Promised Land.

After many days and nights of clean sheets and the return of the prodigal son (Saint Jason of Euell) the path to the mountain top had seemed lined with beautiful and perfumed flowers.

But now the wheels had verily fallen off the chariot and that flowery path did seem as dark and forbidding as Lewisham High Street in a December power cut.

The people of the red Valley had started to remember the evil old days of Saint Parky of Hoofball and the false words of that serpent Saint Pardew of Toontotty.

So King Slater of the Moneylenders did call for Saint Christopher and made him bow before him. King Slater was wearing his official Charlton Velcro running shorts for he was preparing for the great run of Marathon.

“Why haveth your disciples stopped so close to the mountain top? “, demanded King Slater as he rubbed Vaseline into his nipples.

“Have I not given thee all my bags of Gold and it is only a few more steps to the Promised Land. Must I call on my brother–in-law, Saint Dennis of Yobo, to finish this journey?”

And Saint Christopher felt one of those warm feelings in his tracksuit. He stretched out his arms before the King for he did truly hate that Saint Dennis of Yobo, who was verily the son of Satan.

“Though I walk through the Valley of the shadow death, I will fear no evil” proclaimed Saint Christopher. “For your rod and staff comfort me”.

“This is no time to talk fishing” “roared the King.

“The ancient scribe Saint Peacock has written that the people of the red Valley are gnashing their teeth once more and this could impact on season ticket revenue”.

So Saint Christopher wandered alone and afraid across the barren lands of SE7. His disciples were tired and crippled. Even the Reverend Jesse Jackson could no longer walk and Saint Green of the Hairdressers had gone missing. The Giant Yan from the land of Frogs had taken to his bed and he knew not what to do.

But then there as a great shining light and an angel did appeareth from the roof of the Valley Superstore.

“Be not afraid”. said the angel. “For I bring great news of great joy that will be for all people of the red Valley”.
“ Lee Hughes is back in prison?” asked Saint Christopher.

“No not that” said the angel.

“Lionel Messi is coming on a free?”

“I said news” said the angel, “not a bloody miracle”.

“Now, listeneth carefully, for I have word from the one true Lord (Curbs)”.

“Oh Christ” said Saint Christopher. “That’s all I need”.

“The Lord (Curbs) doth say that thou must cease temptation by hoofball and play proper footy. This will mean victory over the dreaded oriental people of “the far eastern lands and the chosen people will reach the Promised Land.

“Hallelujah “said Saint Christopher leaping with great joy. Let us go forward with faith. We truly have nothing to fear but fear itself.

“And Kevin Lisbie.” added the angel.



This is the word of the one true Lord (Curbs).