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In honour of our Scouse manager
cashncarry
Posts: 981
We should put a few Scouse joke's on here , mine is
It's so cold in Liverpool today a scouser put his hands in his own pocket
It's so cold in Liverpool today a scouser put his hands in his own pocket
5
Comments
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Why should you always swerve when you see a scouser riding a bike?
It could well be your bike he's riding.4 -
They caught the bloke who killed the Scouse fella last week...
The police charged him with Merseyside.6 -
What does a Scouse Woman use as protection for sex?
A bus shelter
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Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool?
Because if it went any slower, it would probably get mugged.15 -
What do you call a Scouser that's at university?
The Caretaker9 -
They found the remains of a dinosaur in Liverpool last week ... it was a Doyathinkhesawus1
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The Pope visits Liverpool and conducts an open air mass by the docks. Scally walks up to him and says "Holy Father could you help me with my hearing". Pope replies "I'll try my son - kneel down before me".
Scally kneels down and the Pope cups his hands on the scally's ears - says a prayer and makes the sign of the cross "In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti". The Pope then asks the scally to rise.
"Has that helped my son", says the Pope - Scally replies "I don't know yet, Holy Father - it's next Tuesday".36 -
Scouser walks into the DSS office and says "I was offered a blow job last week, but turned it down in case it affects my benefits".6
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The population of Liverpool has remained the same for the last 30 years. The reason for that is that every time a baby is born the father f***s off!1
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Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.4 -
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One night in a local Liverpool pub, a huge scouser was sitting at the bar slowly getting pissed. He was about 6ft 8 and nearly as wide.
A little later a short, skinny man walks in, sits next to the huge guy and gives him a coy smile. After having a few drinks the man sidled over to the huge scouser and whispered in his gigantic ear, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the giant Merseysider jumped off his chair, punched the guy in the face breaking his nose, grabbed him by the feet and threw him out into the car park where he proceeded to give him a few kicks to the body and head. He then left the poor man laying prone on the floor and went back into the bar.
Amazed, the bartender brought the huge scouser a beer and said, "I have never seen you like that before. You are normally such a gentle man. Just what did he say to you anyway?"
"I'm not sure," replied the scouser, "It was something about a job."9 -
waddya call a scouser in a suit ? .......................
the accused .... or a scouser in a Mercedes ?
a car thief1 -
What's the difference between Batman and a Scouser?
Batman can go anywhere without Robin.12 -
Heard about the scouse version of Cluedo, everyone done it5
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The really old ones are the best!!Lincsaddick said:waddya call a scouser in a suit ? .......................
the accused .... or a scouser in a Mercedes ?
a car thief
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The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in.With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool,
pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The
bartender nodded,so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey,too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back,who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass
of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give
Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser,who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeeper, giv us a lager der la! Hey, is dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so
the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.
As Jesus got up to leave,he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness,you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his
leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his backstraighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed,"Fuck off, I'll lose my disabiltity benefit!!!!"6 -
Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train.
At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three scousers buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked an American. “Watch” answers a scouser.
They all board the train.
The Americans take their respective seats but all three scousers cram into the toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So, on the return trip, the Americans decide to copy the scousers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the scousers don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket,” asks one perplexed American. “Watch” says a scouser.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a toilet and the three scousers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the scousers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Americans are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please”.11 -
Liverpool Airport19 -
Jurgen Klopp goes in to church to confession and says,
"Forgive me father for I have sinned!"
The priest replies, "Come forth my child!" Klopp retorts, "Come forth? We'll be lucky if we come bloody tenth!"6 -
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A Scouser went to sign on as usual at the job centre. The job centre staff asked ''Have you worked this week''?
The Scouser said ''Yes, having helped build a new nuclear power station on Monday and Tuesday, on Wednesday I painted Buckingham Palace''
The job centre employee, not impressed, said ''You're taking the piss''
The Scouser replied ''Well you started it''5 -
Took me far too long to get this...bobmunro said:The Pope visits Liverpool and conducts an open air mass by the docks. Scally walks up to him and says "Holy Father could you help me with my hearing". Pope replies "I'll try my son - kneel down before me".
Scally kneels down and the Pope cups his hands on the scally's ears - says a prayer and makes the sign of the cross "In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti". The Pope then asks the scally to rise.
"Has that helped my son", says the Pope - Scally replies "I don't know yet, Holy Father - it's next Tuesday".5 -
as old as most of the 'jokes' on here ((:>)bazjonster said:
The really old ones are the best!!Lincsaddick said:waddya call a scouser in a suit ? .......................
the accused .... or a scouser in a Mercedes ?
a car thief0 -
I'm not very good at jokes, how about a song;
You look in the dustbin for something to eat,
You find a dead cat and you think it's a treat,
In your Liverpool.............
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Whats the difference between a scouse bird, and a shopping trolley.....
......a shopping trolley has a mind of its own....!1 -
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The Kop.
Back in the days of Thatcher, that was "What's the difference between a Tory minister and a shopping trolley?".Greenie said:Whats the difference between a scouse bird, and a shopping trolley.....
......a shopping trolley has a mind of its own....!0 -
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How do you make a scouser run faster?
stick a DVD player under his arm4 -
