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The Taxman
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At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings"?
"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles".
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer, but on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs"?
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits".
"I see", replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform"?
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick".
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings"?
"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles".
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer, but on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs"?
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits".
"I see", replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform"?
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick".
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Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, and sells his store.
The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, and goes to a casino.
Once in the casino, the voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing.
"Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has — "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.
"Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts.
"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me, Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "Un-fucking-believable!0 -
i have absolutely no clue about the second joke. if i understood blackjack woudl i get it?0
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lol :-)0
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[cite]Posted By: Curb_It[/cite]i have absolutely no clue about the second joke. if i understood blackjack woudl i get it?
me too, whooooooosh!! Come on polo dood, whats this about?0 -
i dont get the second one either0
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Blackjack is just pontoon - not that you need to understand it to understand the joke, which I thought was very good.0
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You lot cant be serious?
Thanks though Salad, glad someone got it.0 -
is it because the voice above swore?0
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is it because the voice above was the PA system in the shop and casino?0
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who was the voice above?0
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Grrrrrr...The voice throughout the joke is made out to be some sort of higher power, telling Saul what to do ie sell his store and gamble it all away on a game of Blackjack. As salad said blackjack is Pontoon/21s. Go over 21 and you bust.
He gets 18 which is a very good hand when the dealer only has a 6 showing because the highest he can get with two cards is 17. The higher power tells him to gamble and he gets an ace, which is lucky. He then tells him to again (like he knows theres another ace coming) and it does. With only two aces (maybe even one) left in the pack he tells him to go for it one more time like he once again knows an ace is coming & then it comes.
The odds are unbelievably slim & the voice knows this hence screams un-fucking believable when he hits 21 like he never knew all along & was in shock.
You lot, get your coats!0 -
but blackjack is played with usually 4-7 packs of cards isnt it? this would have 28 aces potentially.....
;-)0 -
what was the count at the time?0
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peakeys rocket are you a card counter?...M.I.T0
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admit that you are weird...0
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sorry polo but salad said i didnt need to understand pontoon/blackjack to get the joke.
never really played card. well i used to play snap as a young girl.0 -
i even have trouble understanding snap!0
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Oi this was my joke about a taxman, start your own bleeding thread about blackjack and debate the wherewithalls of buying, twisting, sticking and busting.
And Curb-It, fancy a game of 'beat your neighbour' with me ;-)0 -
What was the joke again Polo ? LOL0
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You didnt really have to understand Pontoon Curbit.
Ketters...The joke was:
A man walks into a bar.
Ouch.0 - Sponsored links:
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[cite]Posted By: cafcpolo[/cite]Grrrrrr...The voice throughout the joke is made out to be some sort of higher power, telling Saul what to do ie sell his store and gamble it all away on a game of Blackjack. As salad said blackjack is Pontoon/21s. Go over 21 and you bust.
He gets 18 which is a very good hand when the dealer only has a 6 showing because the highest he can get with two cards is 17. The higher power tells him to gamble and he gets an ace, which is lucky. He then tells him to again (like he knows theres another ace coming) and it does. With only two aces (maybe even one) left in the pack he tells him to go for it one more time like he once again knows an ace is coming & then it comes.
The odds are unbelievably slim & the voice knows this hence screams un-fucking believable when he hits 21 like he never knew all along & was in shock.
You lot, get your coats!
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Oi...undeserved! This one however...
A guy meets a prostitute in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"
He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays six fifty-pound notes on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."0 -
ok polo, stop it now, i dont get this one neither!0
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who had the other ace ?0
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Looks like Polo got ' a 101 shit jokes ' book for Christmas0
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Fraid not...I did get a 'Crap Teams' book though. Wrote by a Millwall fan & our 89-90 team is in it. Somehow the spanners aint though. Shocking.0
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Two parrots on a perch.
One turns to the other and says "can you smell fish?"0 -
lol.......
good....... that thread made me laugh...0 -
It gets better Mascot
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say.
“You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”0 -
Jesus polo..... that if flippin terrible..... Ill see if I can come up with one when im not so depressed.....0
