Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.
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What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
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Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......
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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
"Oi, what's your disability?"
I said "Tourettes! Now f**k off you tos ser"
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A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks. "Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says "F**king hell are you the bird I
shag ged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my a ss?"
"No" she replies "I'm your son's English teacher!"
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I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' "
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What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
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A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess darling, I was a hooker!".
He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".
She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !".
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Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.
"SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's b alls off the wet floor!!"
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Tampax are changing their design they are repacing the string with a piece of tinsel .... This is for the Xmas period only !
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A man says to his wife "tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time".
His wife replies "You've got a bigger todger than your brother"
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Comments
An Pakistani, an Irishman and a Nigerian walk into a bar together.
What a wonderful example of racial harmony and integration.
The black guy asks "what time's the bus due?" and the jewish fellow replies "in about 10 minutes"