Some quotes from "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue"
Samantha tells me she has to nip out now as she's been invited to an exclusive club to meet a group of aristocrats. She's very excited to see where all the big knobs hang out. She says at such a posh function she and the other girls will probably end up trying to speak with plums in their mouths.
Samantha is a qualified croupier and often works at an excluslive Soho club where gamblers pay top money to pay roulette all day and poker all night.
Samantha is off just now to her vehicle maintenance evening class where she says she's keen to strip down a little Austin for a full service.
Samantha has to nip out now as she's off to see her new American gentleman friend. He's a cattle trader, and as Samantha is keen to buy a prime example, she's been saving up. Excitingley, she'll soon be in a position to receive her first Texan Longhorn.
Samantha is off to sample some beers and whiskies at the Radio 2 party. She says she expects to enjoy having a pint and a stiff Johnny Walker chaser.
Samantha has to nip out now as she is off to her evening class where the baking instructor is going to assess her efforts. Last week he popped her bread rolls straight into his mouth and he's promised to try her muffin next week.
Samantha is off on a tour of the Lake District with a naturist gentleman friend who wants to strip off at Keswick and Cockermouth.
Samantha is off on a dinner date with a gentleman friend from Moscow who's brought over a variety of caviars and an array of vodka-based apperitifs. She says he's going to offer her delicious food in his hotel room and then liqour out on the balcony.
Samantha has to leave us now as she's off out for a lovely meal with a new chef friend who's laying on a traditional shellfish evening. She says she's really looking forward to enjoying his special cockle night.
Samantha tells me she has to nip off now as she has a meeting with the builder who gave her the lowest estimate for some work. She says she was pleased to see his tender won, but was startled when it suddenly grew to twice the size.
Samantha has to nip off now as she's doing a fashion makeover on a gentleman friend. Yesterday she says she helped him choose new shoes, and was delighted to bend over to tie his laces as he tried a pair with a crape sole and felt upper.
Samantha tells me she needs to leave now as she's been nursing two elderly gentlemen who have been suffering from bed sores for some time. She says they like her to go in regularly to inspect their old chaps for any sign of improvement, and last week she had both of them up and out and waving through the window.
Samantha tells me she has to nip off now to meet her new gentleman friend, who's an avid collector of rare beetles. She says he has an incredible Longhorn which he's keeping in a shoebox for her. He told her that if you tickle it it jumps out half way across the table.
Samantha tells me she has to nip off now as her trusted aged gardener is coming round to identify the mysterious trailing plant that's growing in her privet. Obviously she's keen not to miss him if there's a chance she may have an Old Man's Beard in her bush.
Samantha tells me she has to nip out now as she has a cookery lesson with her new chef gentleman friend, who's been teaching her cake decoration. He has all sorts of professional kitchen equipment, and as Samantha is having trouble keeping enough pressure on her icing dispenser for complete coverage, he's promised to show her how to squeeze his hard on to the top of the cake.
Samantha has to leave now as she's hosting a traditional Cockney music and dance night with a pearly king and queen at a nearby pub. All the locals are saying they can't wait to see her knees up round the King's Head.
Samantha tells me she has to go now as she's off to the country residence of her new gentleman friend, who has some interesting birds in the thicket. He keeps a young chicken, but Samantha says there are also wild breeds there, and she can't wait to see his Woodcock, Pullet and Swallow.
Samantha tells me she has to nip out now as she's off to see her personal trainer for a fitness demonstration. She says she's looking forward to him showing how he gets the fat down and pounds off in front of her.
Samantha tells me she has to nip out now to meet two young vicar friends who've promised to exorcise a poltergeist from her flat. They say they're looking forward to stopping her furniture flying round the room and giving her the willies.
Samantha is something of a keen horse woman, and she tells me that she's off to see a trainer who's offered her the chance of a couple of races he wants her to contest. She's quite excited, as he's prepared to drop his jockeys to enter her at Newmarket.
Samantha tells me that she has to nip off to a special Welsh Conservative Association dinner for their most senior MP, who's name is said to be almost impossible to pronounce. She's certainly found the longest standing Welsh member a bit of a mouthful.
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Record researcher Samantha visits the gramaphone library every workday, where she says she finds the old archivists like to indulge in petty bartering before they'll fetch her chosen disks. This could be irritating, but Samantha says she doesn't really mind if they want to dicker about five times a week.
Each week Samantha goes off to the gramaphone library, a labarinthine maze of dusty shelves and filing cabinets. The place can be a little daunting, but the kindly old archivists know their way around and provide Samantha with accurate maps. She says it's always good to know they're going to offer her good solid directions, which they prepare by hand before waving them under her nose.
As usual, Samantha has been down in the gramaphone library researching the teams' records, aided and abetted by the two kindly old archivists, Curly Smith and Chalky White. Samantha was saying she's been helping them rearrange their work rostas recently. Chalky was getting a bit worried that Samantha might reduce his overtime shift, but cheered up when instead he saw her shorten Curly's.
Earlier, Samantha went down to the gramaphone library to choose the teams' records. While she's there the kindly old archivist usually ask Samantha to do a few routine maintenance tasks for him, including checking the ancient sound equipment. This week there was cleaning off some rust, replacing record needles, and attending to a stiff knob on his list of tasks. It was quite a long one, so she asked if he didn't mind her sitting on it for a while.
Samantha tells me that down in the gramaphone library there's been a spot of good-natured rivalry recently, as she's been promoted ahead of the two kindly old archivists, to become senior researcher. There wasn't, frankly, much competition for the post and Samantha realises the job fell in her lap, but the archivists never complain when she rubs their noses in it.
Record researcher Samantha has been doing her regular stint down in the gramaphone library, where she tells me the two old archivists have been getting a little fractious of late. They've been at each other's throats about which of them will represent the archive in judging the BBC's Most Shapely Legs competition. To quieten things down, Samantha had to keep them apart all morning.
Record researcher Samantha has made one of her customary visits to the gramaphone library, where she runs errands for the kindly old archivists, such as nipping out to fetch their sandwiches. There favourite treat is cheese with homemade chutney, but they never object when she palms them off with relish.
Samantha spends many long hours with the two kindly old gramaphone archivists who, as is usual when we visit a seaside town, she's brought along for a day out. As they're particulary keen on the local seafoods, Samantha treats them to a special meal and they both sit in eager anticipation as Samantha flits about with her hostess trolley and hands round their winkles.
Samantha spends so many hours down in the gramaphone library researching this, that she's become quite friendly with the kindly old archivists. They often ask if they can borrow her portfolio album, as they're keen to know what she looked like in her modelling days. It always cheers them up when they find Samantha's left it out on the table for them to inspect.
Blimey, Black Forest .......... never knew you had a sense of humour!
RIP
Cracking programme this.