schoolboy sniggering

paulbaconsarnie

prompted after the recent 11+ and school dinner threads.

nail your schoolday sniggering tales to the mast.

i always remember at junior school, in assembly we had to sing hymns.
every verse of every hymn was sung so quietly then we learnt 'when i needed a neighbour were you there.......'.
for some reason the verse 'i was cold, i was naked you were there....' was sung with such gusto, followed by sniggering and trying to hide behind the person in front.

also in woodwork it was surprising how popular the 'bastard file' was.
"sir, i need a BASTARD file"

buckshee

I was once giggling and playing around with someone next to me in assembly when I felt a hearty slap on my back , thinking it was a fellow school mate I shouted out "f***in hell!" only to find out it was my form tutor

_MrDick

In the first year of secondary school I was in a maths lesson and I threw a little peeble at the blackboard. It made a very loud noise and the teacher turned round, his face as red as a beetroot and he shouted 'Who did that' and the whole class were just sniggering.

In the fifth year I found a screw on the floor and handed it to a female teacher. Her reply was 'thank you Mcmoist, I've always wanted a screw'. Loads of sniggering

Another from the fifth year, a female teacher with HUGE bazookers was eating an apple. I said to her ' a nice pair miss' and her response was' Actually, McMoist it's an apple' Once again, loads of schoolboy sniggering.

Carter

People in front of you farting in exams/assembly. Even better when it was evident by the noise they tried to hold it in and failed.

Funny enough, however getting a positive ID of the culprit by their shaking shoulders as they tried to laugh and make no noise used to finish me.

Skanking people (by skanking I mean pulling their shorts down) in a mixed game of rounders.

Getting shouted at by teachers always made me laugh, especially when they went red in the face and spat.

When getting told off someone pulling a face behind the teacher.

bingaddick

My mate and I used to keep everybody amused except our Maths teacher with a background twanging noise. He had a pen top and the clip made a high pitched twang like a jews harp and I had a steel ruler which made a low twang and we'd sit there gently twanging away with everybody including ourselves trying to stiffle the urge to snigger. We'd do this every lesson until one day I got caught and that was the end of that.

Stig

I once farted in a technology lesson - a real stinker . I was so proud of my work that I had a little snigger which got me caught. Our teacher bent me over and hit me with the metre-long board ruler. This had sufficient force to propel me forward as well as stop me sniggering. Trouble was for our teacher it made everyone else in class snigger at my misfortune.

Our French teacher was a mild-mannered Frenchman who was just not in control of the class - we'll call him Monsieur S. Everyone messed around and few ever listened to him. One day we were all clowning around whilst he was writing on the board. My mate, usually the best pupil in the class, made a funny comment which Monsieur S didn't appreciate. He totally lost it. In his rage he spun round from the board strode down the class room and grabbed my mate by the hair. "Argghh you're pulling my skinback" shouted my mate. We all sniggered as we'd always though Monsieur S was more than a bit gay. My mate was known for some weeks afterwards as Paul Skinback. Nowadays Monsieur would have been sacked; in those days his humiliation was far greater. Poor bloke.

One of my first jobs after leaving school was in a factory making toy cars. At lunchtme everyone used to eat in the works canteen, including Mary a 60+ fat wrinkly old woman who had a feint whiff of incontinence, or perhaps rigamortis, about her. She could be quite nice at times, but was generally quite clucky and thought she owned the place. One day we were at lunch, me and the younger blokes on one table, Mary and her old crones on the next. One of the delicacies that they served in the canteen were pint bottles of milk shake. These came in a range of colours, though from what I can remember, all had the same indeterminate flavour. On this particular day I had a lime (coloured) one. I had just started to take a big swig when my mate whispered to me, "That's Mary's p*ss that is"! As he said it I started to laugh causing the milkshake to go up my nose. Unfortunately I didn't have the presence of mind to pull the bottle away, and somehow a syphon effect was created causing "Mary's p*ss" to flow from my nose and splash on the hard concrete floor. I don't know how much milkshake hit the deck in this manner, but at the time it felt like a whole bottle. Of course, the one person in the canteen who was garanteed to come over to our table to see what the fuss was about was Old Mary. Giggled? I've only just stopped.

RedArmySE7

In my school it got to the stage that there were around 6 fire alarms a day generallly set off by pupils to get out of class for 15 minutes. One of my best mates was caught doing this by a teacher and was made to stand up in assembly and apologise to the whole school for dirupting our education. I think the plan backfired as he was greeted with a load cheer and treated like a hero for forthcoming weeks. I still giggle now thinking about his cheeky grin when standing infront of everyone!

Fishnets

One day our form tutor didn't turn up and he was absent for week when curiousity got the better of one pupil;

"Sir, where's Mr. Jacobs?"
"I'm afraid he has had a heart attack"

Cue laughing for about 10 minutes.

When Mr Jacobs came back, he was teaching us English in the Library which had big windows. We were busy writing an essay while Mr Jacobs watched a thunderstorm outside the window when suddenly lightening hit the building opposite. Mr Jacobs must have jumped 4 feet off the ground clutching his chest.

Cue laughing for about 10 minutes.

Curb_It

some very good stories.

My friend absolutely completely innocent asked our teacher what "erection" meant. We were all so shocked the class went into convulsions and the teacher picked on me to explain the meaning.

C_f_W

Brilliant these, almost in tears here, keep em coming

_MrDick

As an 13 year old, and on the prompting of a friend, I innocently asked a student science teacher what a sanitary towel was ( I honestly didn't know - I knew it as something else). She went absolutely beetroot red and told me to ask my mum whilst the rest of the class was in hysterics. It didn't affect my student / teacher realtionship with her though coz i got invited to her wedding reception a few years later.

Curb_It

Sorr for this one...
But valley's reminds me... I remember having this lady come in to talk to us about our monthlies in the 1st year of secondary.

The lady told us about various sanitary products we could use. She went on to say how safe tampons were and very easy to use and wanted to hit home the fact that the string would not become detached. So my mate was hauled up to hold aforementioned tampon and i was asked to tug on the string to demonstrate its strenth... then ensued a long tug of war with a tampax with the whole first year in hysterics. I nearly yanked my mate off her feet i was pulling so hard.

Henry Irving

[cite]Posted By: Curb_It[/cite]some very good stories.

My friend absolutely completely innocent asked our teacher what "erection" meant. We were all so shocked the class went into convulsions and the teacher picked on me to explain the meaning.

So what did you say and what was the reaction?

Henry Irving

Not school but about 10 years ago was waiting with four or five other adults (male and female) for a meeting to start when a quite religious Caribbean woman asked what this word "wanker" she kept hearing meant.

Lots of shuffling of feet and attempts not to laugh. When it was explained she didn't bat an eye lid.

kigelia

I was once in deep shit with a chemistry teacher as I had spent most of the year doing nothing, after discovering this (he only checked our books about twice a year) he ordered me to see him after school. I roll up to the staff room only to be told through the fog of cigarette/pipe/cigar smoke that he had gone home. I thought it was a right result. The following day I was in the playing a bit of cricket and he comes storming out of the science block and drags my across the playground by my ear to his classroom and ranted and raved at me for not coming to see him. He eventually asked why and I said

"you'd gone home sir"

at this he paused, looked up as if trying to recall this. Then after a few seconds he stuck his face millimetres from mine and uttered the immortal words...

"Well you should have come to see me anyway"

At this we both kind of accepted that neither of us came out of this with any credit and went our seperate ways. The situation was never mentioned again other than a little word in my hear from the head of year that I would not be allowed to choose physics (which he also taught) as one of my GCSE options because this guy refused to teach me.

T_C_E

Anybody on here who went to Bloomfield school in Bloomfield rd in the late 60s early 70s will know who I am from this story!
I found these, well the truth is dont know what I thought they were but I took them to school to show a few mates what I had found, they obviously didnt know either so we spent our experimenting with them, throwing them at people that sort of thing, we had loads of them! one of my school mates came running up to us at breaktime to tell us that he had squashed one in the vice in the metalwork class and it went Bang!! so that was it off we went lunch time and found what I remember as a half house brick laid them on the floor and proceded to bash the crap out of them, we thought it was great fun!! then the fun stopped as we captured by "Teddy" Davies the headmaster, and marched of to his office, after assuring him my mate had nothing to do with it he returned to class, he then left his office locking the door saying I`ll deal with you in a minute, after 5 minutes or so he returned, with 2 of the biggest policemen I have ever seen!!! "right young T.C.E where did you get these BULLETS from?" shite, for the last 2 days me and a few mates had been exploding what turned out to be pistol bullets, dont ask what sort, I didnt even know they were bullets!!! but is was going to get a lot worse for me yet!!! after calling my mum to the school, they obviously wanted to know were I got them from, eventually I told them! in the wardrobe in my Mums room!!!! my Mum had moved in a new boyfriend, and I`d been nosing around (as you do) and had found them!! so from school we had a ride a police car to our house, where a few more of the Mets finest were there waiting, they searched the house from top to bottom while I sat crapping myself in the living while my Mum refused to talk me, eventually in came the policeman and spoke to my mum, they had found "a gun" naff all to do with me, I hasten to add, Mum started to cry, my, " I knew there was something shifty about him" comment, got me a smack round the mouth that still hurts to this day, my Mum had moved in "a Armed Robber" 2 and half years!!! he got for conspiricy to rob, I met him again about four years ago in greenwich a frail man now, he actually thanked me for getting him nicked before they had done the robbery, he`s very happy playing cowboys and Indians with his g/grandchildren and thats the nearest he gets to playing with guns.
I was talking about old times with Mum the other day, when I said, "Mum, I knew was a wrong`un from the start" nearly got me another smack in the mouth.

Fishnets

When I was a kid, one of my friends (Charlton supporter, Ledge knows him) found a hand-grenade. Like the stupid buggers we were, we played football with it before somebody mentioned it might go off.....

aliwibble

Around the time I did my GCSEs, the BBC showed an adaptation of Porterhouse Blue, and this inspired a bunch of us to inflate a load of condoms and release them from our form room window on our last day. The release was slightly more successful than we anticipated, as the wind caught them and they floated out of the school grounds into the convent next door. Another gust of wind took them over the convent wall onto the main road, making it look like some nun was trying to dispose of the evidence of illicit activities.

Stig

That's a fantastic story T.C.E.

Curb_It

[cite]Posted By: aliwibble[/cite]Around the time I did my GCSEs, the BBC showed an adaptation of Porterhouse Blue, and this inspired a bunch of us to inflate a load of condoms and release them from our form room window on our last day. The release was slightly more successful than we anticipated, as the wind caught them and they floated out of the school grounds into the convent next door. Another gust of wind took them over the convent wall onto the main road, making it look like some nun was trying to dispose of the evidence of illicit activities.

are you another St Caths girl Ali?

Great story TCE

bibble

We had a couple in the fifth year (dunno what year that would be now) at our school who had been going out with each other for years, she was very fit, he was too handsome for his own good, apparantly! I sat at his form desk for my maths lesson, and decided to have a look in his desk and found a packet of condoms (they were called johnnies then). So myself and a friend thought it would be a good idea to put a couple of tiny holes in them with a pin.......next thing we know....er....shes pregnant...couldn't have been our fault, could it?

adamtheaddick

in my last year at St Pauls in Abbeywood i was in the lowest maths class we had, the teacher was a complete wanker his name was Mr Trott. I used to walk in mutter somthing and would just shout "out you go banham" my mate Tom Lee got kicked out to one lesson so we started playing tennis with a ball of screwed up paper and our txts books as rackets, it was a blinding game one rally lasted bout 22 passes, we both got knackerd and sat back down only to look at the classroom door to see that Trott was looking right at us, apprently my other mates said he was watching the whole match an just kept muttering things under his breath. I could write a book about things we got up to in that maths class, a brief rundown would be: 1)Locking him in the staionary cupboard 2)the tape player in the ceiling 3)Pimping his car on our last day ever at school 4)My mum nearly giving him a heart attack on parents night 5)jumping out the window and standing behind him making funny faces and poses behind his back whilst he taught often with props.

nth_london_addick

and ode to Mr Keith maths teacher and form teacher at Eaglesfield in the 80's and early 90's

i have never ever ever forgotten the lines you used tomake me write as punishment the most i got was 500 of the following


"In future i promise i shall strive to behave
in a sane and sensible manor at all times in school
Should i fail in this endeavour i promise and accept that punishment for this misdemeaner is acceptable
and i shall carry it out with peace and goodwill in my heart"

Fishnets

there was a handgrenade found by some kids on their way to school through the accademy army area that resulted in the whole school being evacuated was that you lot made my fecking day double maths abandoned for the best excuse ever

Fishnets

Nah, this was in Somerfield Road in Dartford...early 70s..

nth_london_addick

shame i could do with thanking who ever it was bit worrying that 2 hand grenades found by kids and theres us moaning about knives

i can see the sun newspaper now
School boys blow up school exclusive