Married Too Long
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting over
lunch and conversation turns to their relationships. They decided that
night to surprise their men.. All three would wear a black leather bra and
thong, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
A few days later they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me
with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,
'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night
long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I
was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex for
hours.
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the
night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bra, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He walked in the door, looked
at me and said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window, I’m naked and It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. He's got a terrible temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So he jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could but after a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
Oh , yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope.........just when it's raining…..
My Joke
The French general asks "Why did you do that?"
The English general responds "So my men don't see that I'm bleeding, and lose hope."
A second bullet narrowly misses the French general's ear, and he shouts: "Aide! Bring me my brown trousers!"
He says "You'll have to point it out love, all these japanese cars look the same to me!