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Campaign for Antiquated Soccer Humour

Old football jokes have served us well down the years. Many were laughed at by our fathers and our father's fathers but with Youtube and "observational" comedians many have fallen on hard times, In some cases they have turned to drink and drugs to ease the pain.

You can help in two ways. Firstly by telling as many old football jokes as you can and secondly by sending a donation to the Campaign for Antiquated Soccer Humour so we can help preserve these old gags. Make cheques payable to CASH for short.

Here's one old joke that badly needs you help

Iain Dowie had burst appendix and was rushed to hospital.

While on the operating table he had a near death experience. Seeing God (however you may interpret that term) he asked 'Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you have another 63 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Thankfully Iain recovered fully and decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, nose job, hair implants and a tummy tuck. He even had someone come in and change his eye colour and brighten his teeth!

Since he now knew had so much more time to live, he figured he might as well make the most of it. After the last operation, he was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on his way home, he was hit and killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, he demanded "Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance. I thought you said I had another 63 years?"

God replied: 'I didn't bloody recognize you.'


  • Wahey, an old Voice classic

    I was driving round Millwall the other day, and i pulled over and asked this fella "sorry mate, is there a B&Q in Millwall" ?

    He paused for a second and said "hold on, let me think about that - M...I...L..."

  • two "ladies" waiting outside the Valley for autographs. pards comes out. First lady says "sign my cheast pards" and lifts her top. Pards signs her cheast. The second lady lifts her skirt, she is nickerless "i want ur autograph as well Pards " she says.

    Pards " sorry luv Dowie is the guy that signs on twa*s"

    oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
  • What's the difference between manure and Millwall?

    Manure does wonders on grass.
  • Q: What do you say to a Palace fan with a good looking bird on his arm?

    A: Nice tattoo, Nigel
  • I want to tell the spaceman crash landing in south London joke but it takes too long to type so here's another.

    Back in the early 90s someone broke into The Valley and left a large turd on the floor of the home dressing room.

    When the players came in they all managed to avoid it but Curbs stepped right in it.

    "who's shit on the floor? he shouted.

    There was silence until Carl Leaburn spoke up

    "I am boss but I'm OK in the air"
  • Two Millwall fans chatting in a pub.

    First Spanner "I saw that Titanic film last night"

    Second Spanner "Any good?"

    First Spanner "yeah, the bit when the ship sinks at the end is great"

    Second Spanner "Oh, thanks, now you've spoilt the ending for me"
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