A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot barman. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "about a
100". Immediately the robot starts talking but this time, about football, cricket, supermodels, favorite fast foods, cars, and women's breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly...
So........ya gonna get a season ticket for Palace again this year?"
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In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Anne are up yet.
She replies, ' No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Anne up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Anne up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...
I gave him my airplane glue.
'Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs.'
Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some Cumin, Turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff.
On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he is still out cold, so the others decide to take him to hospital.
On arrival the nurses immediately take him to intensive care. A doctor returns to the friends and asks
'So what have you been doing then? Smoking cannabis?'
'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.'
'Ahh' replies the doctor, 'And what did you put in it?'
'Oh, just a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.'
The doctor sighs. 'Well that explains it.'
'Why, what's wrong with our friend?' asks one of the men.
'He's in a korma' replies the doctor.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Desmond. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit, paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Cristofaro, since he was youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
"I've run out of petrol and i'm scared to get out of the car and fill up because of that swine flu"
The husband replies
"You stupid cow,thats Mexico not Texaco"
I'm putting my coat on now
He storms into the kitchen and points a finger at his wife's face and says
"From now on i want you to know that i am the man of the house and my word is law and you WILL prepare me a gourment meal for me tonight and every night.
"After that you WILL run me a bath and after the bath your WILL lie on the bed and take whats coming to you and you know who is going to wash and dress me in the morning?
"Yeah,says his wife,the undertaker"!