Posted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 7:52 pm Post subject:
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately, rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly with a very satisfied daze.
The counsellor turns to the husband and says "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you manage that?"
The husband replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf."
Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station. Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked. When I says Bell two', you jump on de bed. When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night." The next night he came home and shouted 'Bell One' and she stripped naked. 'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed. 'Bell Tree', and they started to make love. After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four". " What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" She replied : "Roll out more hose, man, you aint nowhere near de fire."
Archie- looks at him and after a mo says even quieter "83". To which Eddie, after a while, responds "92".
Archie looks sadly at him, and almost under his breath says " Cancer"
Eddie, looks back and, almost inaudiably replies--- "Sagitarius"
her husband, "I look, horrible. I'm fat, my boobs and my backside are
getting more saggy by the day, I find a new wrinkle every morning and I
think I'll have to go up yet ANOTHER dress size".
Sitting down with her head in her hands she continues, "I just feel so old
and ugly...can you please at least pay me one compliment?".
The husband replies," Well if it's any consolation , your eyesight's f***ing
spot on !!".
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed! ! Everything has been SO incredible!!!! "You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, " she replies. . . . . . . . . "
She says :
"You just happened to catch my eye. "
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex machine?
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and
tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in years. In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican began screaming: "You got dem on de wrong feet, man".
Wedding was pretty poor but the reception was amazing!
The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves. "I'm an engineer" says the Englishman, "So I'll handle building a shelter". He turns to the Frenchman and says: "You French are pretty good cooks - why don't you handle the cooking?" The Frenchman agrees, and the Englishman turns to the Japanese man "That leaves you to organise the supplies" he says. The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks.
A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have coped. They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies.
The Englishman comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up". The team is amazed and is shown inside to the kitchen where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food. The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs "I had lots to work with" he says, "This island has loads of edible herbs and plants." The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man. "Oh we don't know what happened to him" explains the Englishman, he ran into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since".
They all agree that they should try to find the man, and a search party is organised. They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with half a coconut on his head, and peacock feathers sticking out of his bum, and shouts:.............
.............supplies !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!