Mary and Joseph get the call to travel back to Bethlehem in order for the census to be completed. They could have filled it in online, but the Office of National Statistics £40M software package isn’t ready yet and is running 5 years late. Therefore, they have to travel to Bethlehem in what is being termed “a return to good old-fashioned processes” by the Government.
After loading up the little donkey – in accordance with strict RSPCA guidelines for maximum loading limits for livestock of small stature, they head off on their way to Bethlehem , following the bright star (and taking statutory rest breaks every 2 hours). Halfway through the journey, VOSA* pull the donkey over and inspect the donkey and Joseph’s licence. Joseph only has a provisional donkey licence and is therefore not entitled to carry pillion passengers, so he has to get off and walk alongside the donkey.
They finally arrive in Bethlehem . Every guest house and hotel is full (well its Christmas aint it? What do you expect?). One particular innkeeper takes pity and says they can use the shed at the back of his inn “…for £50…no questions asked”. The inn is in a run-down area of Bethlehem , but with a heavily pregnant Mary, he had little choice and he pays the innkeeper.
Joseph parks the Donkey up outside the shed and leads Mary inside. As he gets her comfortable on a bed of hay, he hears a noise outside and rushes out to see what is happening. Outside, he sees his donkey being ridden away by some local thieves. He reports it to the police and waits…
Sometime later, Mary gives birth to a bouncing baby boy and Joseph, a carpenter by trade, constructs a wonderful monument with a built-in crib for his fabulous new son. Soon, visitors start to arrive. They are visited by prophets who proclaim the child as the son of god. They are visited by kings, bearing gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. They also get a visit from Bethlehem District Council…..
The officer from the council looks around and shakes his head. He serves a notice on the innkeeper under environmental health legislation over the poor state of the shed. He also slaps Joseph with a fine for failing to undertake a “new and expectant mothers” risk assessment for Mary. To add insult to injury, he directs Joseph to dismantle the wonderful crib as it contravenes local planning laws and he doesn’t have planning permission. He then slaps a fine on 2 of the 3 kings for failing to have valid COSHH** Assessments for the frankincense and myrrh.
The council officer’s colleague turns up from Bethlehem Social Services and, seeing the squalid conditions, immediately puts the baby on the “at-risk” register and opens a file on Mary and Joseph for consideration by the Crown Prosecution Service for child neglect.
As the chaos continues, the police finally turn-up. They arrest the third king for gold smuggling and arrest the innkeeper for tax evasion on undeclared income on the shed.
The 3 prophets were detained under anti-terrorism legislation for religious incitement.
The donkey was later recovered. It had been stolen to order by local youths and re-sprayed as a zebra!
GLOSSARY FOR EX PATS
* Vehicle and Operator Services Agency
**Control of Substances Hazardous to Health
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