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A cheeky joke.

CrayAddickCrayAddick
edited July 2010 in Fun, Jokes & Captions
I fought off a bear in my pyjamas last night.Fuck knows how he got into them.

My wife is always accusing me of making stuff up. I wouldn't mind but I'm not even married.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

I'll be adding a new joke every day.
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Comments

  • sillav nitramsillav nitram
    Q: what do you call the little grey box on the back of a satellite dish?


    A: a council house
  • Merty111Merty111
    Q: Whats pink and fluffy

    A: Pink Fluff...
  • MortimericianMortimerician
    Went into the butcher and said, I'd like some of that meat off the top shelf.

    He said "no, the steaks are too high".
  • Atletico AddickAtletico Addick
    [cite]Posted By: Mortimerician[/cite]Went into the butcher and said, I'd like some of that meat off the top shelf.

    He said "no, the steaks are too high".

    Wasn't it 'I bet you a fiver you can't get that meat off the top shelf...'

    ;-)
  • nth_london_addicknth_london_addick
    edited July 2010
    What do you call a snail on a ship






















    a snailer


    Cheers sponge bob made me laugh all night
  • valleyvaliantvalleyvaliant
    I farted in alift this morning!

    It was so wrong on every level!
  • ValleyGaryValleyGary
    [cite]Posted By: Merty111[/cite]Q: Whats pink and fluffy

    A: Pink Fluff...

    Q:Whats blue and fluffy?
















    A. A pink piece of fluff holding its breath.
  • ElthamaddickElthamaddick
    [quote][cite]Posted By: valleyvaliant[/cite]I farted in alift this morning!

    It was so wrong on every level![/quote]

    someone else watched Mock The Week last night...;o)
  • DaveMehmetDaveMehmet
    I was playing football last night and someone shouted out "you're mustard"

    "Thank you" I replied, "I'll take that as a condiment"
  • ValleyGaryValleyGary
    How does Bob Marley have his Doughnuts?

    Wit' Jammin.
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  • Phantom_UserPhantom_User
    What does Bob Marley say to the wailers?


    I hope you like jammin too
  • CrayAddickCrayAddick
    I cooked a meal for my wife on our anniversary and she told me it was awful.Fucking ungrateful bitch. I even gave her three slices of gravy.

    My girlfriend is a porn star.She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

    Prince Charles was out early the other day walking the dog.When a passer-by said "morning", Charles said "no, just walking the dog."
  • LawrieAbrahamsLawrieAbrahams
    (also from MTW last night)

    What is it with trainspotters? I counted 27 of those losers yesterday. My record is 42.
  • O-Randy-HuntO-Randy-Hunt
    Went into waterstones last night and asked the bloke behind the till if they sold the book on small penises.
    He said it isn't in yet
    I said that's the one
  • YllekYllek
    "Nick Griffin is banned from the Buckingham Palace Garden Party" - The Queen

    "Damn it Woman, you never even try to like my friends" - Prince Phillip
  • ValleyGaryValleyGary
    [cite]Posted By: O-Randy-Hunt[/cite]Went into waterstones last night and asked the bloke behind the till if they sold the book on small penises.
    He said it isn't in yet
    I said that's the one

    lol
  • ChizzChizz
    A man goes to the doctor's. The doctor tells him "you're going to have to stop masturbating".

    "Why?" he says

    "Because I am trying to examin you"
  • ConMendConMend
    I was doing really well in my Mid-70s Berlin Marathon, but then I hit the wall.
  • nth_london_addicknth_london_addick
    Bloke walks in to a bar with his mates

    sees a fat bird on a stall and says i'd give her one.

    the fat bird screams i wouldnt touch you if you were the last bloke on earth


    Shut up says the man i was scoring you out of 10
  • ConMendConMend
    Who wants to hear a blast from the past?














    Hiroshima
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  • LiveByTheSwordLiveByTheSword
    What did Steven Hawkins say when his computer crashed?




    nothing
  • ValleyGaryValleyGary
    One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.

    "Grandma" Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother's legs. "What's that?"

    "Oh," her grandmother replies. "That's my beaver, dear."

    The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. "Mummy, is that your beaver?" asks the girl.

    "Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?" her mother answers.

    "From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out."
  • masicatmasicat
    Lloyd Sam
  • YllekYllek
    I was in the pub the other day telling that old joke about "What do you do if you see an epileptic have a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing!"
    We were all having a good laugh about this when someone tapped me on the shoulder and said "Excuse me mate but I dont find that funny. My brother was epileptic and he died in the bath during a fit."
    I said "Im ever so sorry mate, did he drown?" "No" he said "he choked on a sock"
  • CrayAddickCrayAddick
    The BBC sent a letter to Eamon Holmes to apologies for the fact he was called fat on a comedy show.

    Eamon was said to be very happy with the letter as it went well with his pie.
  • MortimericianMortimerician
    Man goes into a pub.

    Why are they letting fruit in pubs?
  • CrayAddickCrayAddick
    Saturdays joke.

    There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

    First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw." The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
  • Keith BurtonsKeith Burtons
    i bought a dog off a blacksmith the other day - when i took it home it made a bolt for the door!
  • Merty111Merty111
    Q: Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
    A: It was dead

    Q: Why did the tree fall down?
    A: The koala forgot to let go....
  • guinnessaddickguinnessaddick
    Not happy with the wife.

    Last night I was about to come over her face, she turned away.


    I gave her a right ear full.
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