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New Article: Suffering Addick Needs Help

There is probably nothing more humiliating for any adult male anywhere in the world and I would appreciate any emotional support from fellow sufferers.
It was embarrassing enough to live with before but now my wife is aware of the “my little problem”
One morning at 3am she walked into the spare bedroom to find me hunched over a laptop computer plugged into headphones and linked in to some dodgy website. I felt sweaty, tired, dirty and ashamed.
That’s what a League 1 football fan is reduced to when exiled to Asia during the football season.
Surfing the internet like some pervert in the early hours of the morning desperate to find a glimpse of men in shorts kicking a ball around.
I blame the BBC. They have the audacity to charge an outrageous amount of money for a license fee when you are not even in the country to watch their schedule of infantile game shows, 1970s sitcom repeats and Manish blinking like a helpless rabbit during the Football League Show.
We all know Manish hates football but is just angling for lead presenter’s role for the BBC 2012 Olympics coverage. He stays up every night rehearsing football phrases that just don’t sound right.
“A bit of a game of two halves for the boys then Steve?”
Only for Steve Claridge to look down in despair at the desk with embarrassment, revealing his unmanaged thatch of thinning hair and wishing to God he could be like Hansen and be on MOTD.
I can’t think of two men less likely to be in the same room together to talk about football except maybe the Dali Lamma and Wayne Sleep.
Oh how I miss the uninterrupted 11 seconds of Charlton highlights.
And when you find the BCC website and hope to tune in to their poxy presentation of League football they won’t let you in because you are “not in the UK”. I would hardly be trying to tune in to watch Manish and his chum Claridge talk gibberish on my PC at unearthly times of the day if I was in the UK.
So here I am stuck in Hong Kong with wall to wall Premiership coverage that is even more intensive than the BBC coverage of snooker and women’s marbles but no way of seeing League 1 games except via dodgy websites ,linked to Korean betting sites, advertising noodles and penis enlargement devices.
It was worth it for the Huddersfield victory but impossible for the Fulham game. Instead I sat in a pub in Hong Kong watching Wolves versus Birmingham. By half time all the regulars had left to go home or had strung themselves up from the nearest lamppost. Complete and utter horse manure that was.
I know this is Asia’s world city and that it is warm and vibrant and exciting but I just miss Charlton.
I don’t want the Premiership. I miss the live games at the Valley with my family. The smell of the greasy-burgers. Stopping on the Floyd Road to buy my programme which tells me absolutely nothing about anything but has some small photos of a match played several weeks ago and some statistics about how many pies were consumed in the 1952-53 season. I miss the crowd and the noise. I miss the eloquent post-match summary from the old boy in the red bobble hat as he leaves the Gents in the north-west quadrant doing up his flies.
“That’s more like it” or “That lot couldn’t pass wind never mind a football” .
So I remain a middle aged weirdo who instead of engaging with one of Asia’s most exciting and cosmopolitan cities stays in every night glued to his PC and types the same “C” word into Google over and over again.
I need help. Please someone. I just need some help.

Comments

  • edited January 2012
    as usual ... pithy, accurate, caricatureish, satirical and VERY funny .. It does sound as if you've come down with a touch of the Hong Kong Flu .. or is it reggae fever ?
  • Download Expat Shield, that will solve the access problem.
  • There is probably nothing more humiliating for any adult male anywhere in the world and I would appreciate any emotional support from fellow sufferers.
    It was embarrassing enough to live with before but now my wife is aware of the “my little problem”
    One morning at 3am she walked into the spare bedroom to find me hunched over a laptop computer plugged into headphones and linked in to some dodgy website. I felt sweaty, tired, dirty and ashamed.
    Just a thought, but have you considered telling her that you were looking at porn?

    Great article btw grumpy, enjoyed that.
  • Two things, you didn't mention your Wife's response to what she saw, and could you send me the link for the enlargement devices please.
  • Excellent post Grumpy. I know how you feel.
  • very good
  • just come home grumps!
  • I have one website for you http://www.uknova.com
  • Brilliant as ever grumpy!
  • what a fantastic and heartfelt post.
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  • Grumps. As always a wonderful article.

    Now i thought i could write until i read this.
    A superb bit of wordsmanship.
    First Class ten out of ten .

    Come home soon your Country and Charlton need you
  • Two things, you didn't mention your Wife's response to what she saw, and could you send me the link for the enlargement devices please.
    The penis enlargement thing. Well I'm a bit red faced and shy about this but erm could you send the link to me please cos with all the wear its had over the years i'm now down to a 14 inch stump
  • At least you don't have to watch MLS, or non-stop Barcelona and AC Milan.
  • Liking your work Grumpy...............no difference here apart from the time of night!
  • I really appreciate you fellow Lifers reaching inside to help with my "little problem". I can now see a small chink of light at the end of my tunnel and feel that with counselling and intensive therapy I might just pull through this crisis.

    For those that were requesting the penis enhancement links I would recommend:

    www.bigcock-bangkok.perve.org
    or
    www.hongkong.bigdong.com/rubitoomuch/discount-offer/

    Thanks guys. I feel quite humble.
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Roland Out!