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Ten and a half things....'I hate Palace so much, that.....'

AFKABartramAFKABartram
edited September 2012 in Fun, Jokes & Captions
The ten and a half series makes a timely and long overdue comeback this week, with Eltham John emailing CL Towers with how much he dislikes Palace. I'm sure others have their own examples.....

1. On my wedding day, I had a tear in my eye as my beautiful bride-to-be walked majestically down the aisle. I then noticed she was carrying a red and blue corsage, so I spat in both her eyeballs and stormed out of church.

2. My youngest child's first and middle names are Eric and Cantona.

3. Despite a dire run of form letting down my Fantasy Football team, I could not bring myself to sell an underperforming David Hurst as it reminded me of Selhurst.

4. When helping an old lady cross the road, halfway across she weakly called out to her husband on the other side "Arthur, wait". I was so incensed I pushed her under an oncoming Morrisons delivery lorry.

5. Eldest started school last week, comes home and his form teacher is called Mr Crystal. Changed school.

6. I refuse to let anyone bring eagles, or any other bird of prey into my house.

7. I thought my old man had always been a roofer, but he told the other day that many years ago he used to be a glazier. Told him he was dead to me, that I never saw what my mum saw it him, and that i've always felt I look a lot more like our family milkman, Ranjiit.

8. Whilst working as a masseuse, I asked a lady if she was satisfied with her deep tissue Swedish massage. She said she felt 'glad all over'. so I called her a Palace whore, and posted her contact details in 84 local telephone boxes. Got sacked.

9. Wife and the kids came home the other day with two gorgeous cats from the rescue centre called Misty and Stripey. We had a beautiful few hours as a family bonding, cuddling and playing with the two kittens, then when they were all in bed I put Stripey in next door neighbours garden recycling bin.

10. When working at the Home Office, i doctored MI5's Most Wanted Documents, relegating Saddam Hussein to number 3 and replacing him in the top 2 with Simon Jordan.

Comments

  • PlaaayerPlaaayer
    edited September 2012
    11. Was seeing this page 3 bird for a little while. Things were going great till I met her parents her old man introduced himself, "Hello I'm Nigel" he said. Told him his daughter was a two bit whore for taking her clothes off and her mum had better bangers anyway as I stormed out without touching the roast her old girl had made me.
  • ValleyGaryValleyGary
    12. Back in 2005 I purchased some Armani Jeans for £350. Thought I'd get them stretched and to the shape of my legs pronto so wore them out the shop. Then a mate realised they had AJ written on the back. Dirty and ashamed, I burnt them immediately. Walked home in my pants.
  • UboatUboat
    13. As a child I noticed that Crystal Palace's new sponsor was Virgin. I immediately went out and had sex.
  • March51March51
    edited September 2012
    Uboat said:

    13. As a child I noticed that Crystal Palace's new sponsor was Virgin. I immediately went out and had sex.

    14. As I lived near Gatwick I nipped over the fence and let the tyres down on their 'planes.
  • colthe3rdcolthe3rd
    15. I will never use Orange as my mobile provider
  • March51March51
    16. A while ago a couple of fellow Addicks named Bert and Don went to a dodgy massage parlour in Soho. They paid their money and the manageress called out......'Ruby, can you give Bert head while Don rogers'. They immediately left the place but went back later and burnt it down.
  • PlaaayerPlaaayer
    ValleyGary said:

    12. Back in 2005 I purchased some Armani Jeans for £350. Thought I'd get them stretched and to the shape of my legs pronto so wore them out the shop. Then a mate realised they had AJ written on the back. Dirty and ashamed, I burnt them immediately. Walked home in my pants.

    I really wish this story wasn't true.
  • J BLOCKJ BLOCK
    17. On holiday in America me and my family were driving through Texas. Hungry and in desperate need for water we came across a big dirty wooden shack streamed in banners and flags....we kept driving....
  • 1StevieG1StevieG
    18. I am constantly checking routes on my travels if I go somewhere I am not familiar with for fear of going past a particular supermarket and breaking out in hives.
  • Karim_myBagheriKarim_myBagheri
    edited September 2012
    .
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  • InCurbsWeTrustedInCurbsWeTrusted
    19. I have been sacked from 7 of my IT jobs for refusing to utter the word 'nodes'.
  • Karim_myBagheriKarim_myBagheri
    20. I went to the interview of this really top job. It paid loads with plenty of perks and was right by the river.
    So after shaking hands and thanking them for giving me the job, they showed me the office in which I would be working in. As I walked down the corridor I was over joyed the place was amazing. Snooker tables, indoor swimming pool, bar oh and a few desks for some actual work and then I noticed the walls, they were painted in palaces red and blue. I immediately jumped out the window... 5 stories up, luckily the river was there. 6 weeks later I was discharged from hospital. I never went back to that building, so I wouldn’t know how it was set alight the night of my release. Strange one that.
  • Brendan_O_ConnellBrendan_O_Connell
    21. I brutally murdered five American tourists in Central London as they asked me for directions to the Palace.
  • AFKABartramAFKABartram
    22. Was due to present a sporting achievement award to Sally Gunnell, but as I announced her name, the crowd clapped and she walked towards the podium, all I could see was her uncanny resemblance to Simon Jordan. I instantly screamed Palace Whore into the mike and threw the award out the window. Didn't get asked to host the next year.
  • ValleyGaryValleyGary
    edited September 2012
    23. Walking the dog last week a bloke ran past me holding a shovel, covered in dirt, wearing a prisoners uniform, whilst in the distance i could hear sirens. Startled, I asked him what was going on. Out of breath he answered ''Dug....Free...man''. Made a citizens arrest.
  • bingaddickbingaddick
    edited September 2012
    24. When I heard that Palace were sponsored by Churchill Insurance, I immediately cancelled my Annoying Nodding Dog Car and Caravan insurance policy.
  • AddictedAddicted
    edited September 2012
    25. Was my wedding a few weeks back and my best man was making a speech. Known the guys since we were 4. After leaning across for my wife to whisper something filthy in my ear I zoned back in to hear the end of his previous joke ".....and his Johnson!". They said after the surgery he'll never see again
  • thecrazyaddickthecrazyaddick
    26. Was playing baseball the other day and the captain was reading out the names and positions, John, first base, Gary, 2nd base... Darren, Pitcher... I lost it, told him he was a no mark , two bob Judas c&9t and all he ever done for us was score a lucky goal against Blackburn and he could stick his mickey mouse insults up his arse. Wanker.
  • thecrazyaddickthecrazyaddick
    27. Was at a new parents class the other day with around 40 other couples all eagerly looking forward to parenthood and getting prepared. My wife is due in about 10 weeks so we're keen to get as much info as possible. Anyways it was all a bit boring and I was drifting in and out of daydreaming mode. The nurse then gets onto the subject of breast feeding and mentions suckling.... on hearing this I stood up and sang all 9 verses of 9 goals went past perry, getting more and more excited with each verse... finished up with a quick version of build a bonfire and a palace fan on a string. I'm not allowed back for next weeks class....
  • AFKABartramAFKABartram
    Ha, love that last one Crazy !
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  • RedskinRedskin
    28) As I was strolling through L'sham the other day,I saw middle-aged bloke in Palace shirt walking towards me.I stared at him with my mouth open.
    'Alright, mate?' he said,
    'Alright.' I replied.

    Bastard .
  • cafctomcafctom
    This thread has had me in stitches all day!
  • DaveMehmetDaveMehmet
    My wife asked me if I'd like nookie last night. No I fu**ing don't I replied. Fluffy flea bitten thing, I hope the fist up it's arse hurts like hell.

    I'm in the spare room tonight.
  • March51March51
    29. Well, I must admit to --cking up a while ago! We were on a boat trip from Brighton marina and as we chugged down past the town the skipper said we were passing the Palace Pier. I wasn't having that and grabbed the wheel. We had a fight and eventually he fell overboard. I steered the pointed end at the pier and gave it such a whack most of it collapsed into the sea. 'Looks like your dump of a ground now, eh, boys?' I shouted. Then I realised that we had somehow changed direction and I'd sunk the West Pier by mistake! I tried for another go but the boat was sinking and we ended up swimming for it. Next time I'll get a bigger boat.
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