Top Tips

Robbo on the wing

Never realised Viz magazine was introduced over 30 years ago.
So here goes with my classic top tips...

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
A POST-IT Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers
HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone.

Perhaps there is a Top Tip for some others you care to think of?

Brendan_O_Connell

PARENTS: If your child is choking on an ice cube, simply pour boiling water down his or her throat. That’ll get rid of it in no time!

Riviera

Old contact lenses make ideal portholes for small model boats.

Algarveaddick

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up, and send it to yourself via DHL, you will guarantee you will never see it again...

Stig

Putting just the right amount of gin in your fish tank makes the fish swim in an amusing manner.

Riviera

Hate the dark winter nights? Well don't put your clocks back in autumn and get an extra hours daylight than everyone else.

North Lower Neil

Don't eat yellow snow.

Riviera

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.

man_at_milletts

YOUNG mothers: Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist.

Greenie

DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

Macronate

INVITED by vegetarians for dinner? As you’d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours – ask for a nice steak.

iainment

BATHERS. Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with
a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off
the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic
and dangerous landings.

MrLargo

Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.

MrLargo

Divide the number of pages in a book by the price to see whether or not it represents good value for money. Compare different books before deciding which to buy.

Bournemouth Addick

Don't waste police time by phoning to report a kangeroo in your garden without first checking it's not next doors greyhound taking a dump.

MrLargo

Single Mothers - a life sized cut-out of Cecil Parkinson in your kitchen will act as an ideal male role model for your disadvantaged children.

iainment

Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

JWADDICK

Don't waste money on expensive binoculors, simply stand closer to whatever you want to see.

iainment

I have been answering stuff on an American board I frequent with Top Tips. They don't get it.

For whiny kids I suggested;
Depending on their age this might work - make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.
They will play with this for hours.

You try it.

iainment

.

maybe_baby

When after sex your partner says she didnt have an orgasm, cheer her up by telling her you had the best one ever.

Miserableoldgit

Greenie said:

DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

Nearly choked on me coffee then !
Brilliant !

Miserableoldgit

Bournemouth Addick said:

Don't waste police time by phoning to report a kangeroo in your garden without first checking it's not next doors greyhound taking a dump.

And again........... ;-)

Stig

Chris_from_Sidcup

SCROOGES: Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".

CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.

JT

Brendan_O_Connell said:

PARENTS: If your child is choking on an ice cube, simply pour boiling water down his or her throat. That’ll get rid of it in no time!