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Top Tips

Robbo on the wing
Robbo on the wing Posts: 4,135
edited March 2013 in Not Sports Related
Never realised Viz magazine was introduced over 30 years ago.
So here goes with my classic top tips...

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
A POST-IT Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers
HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone.

Perhaps there is a Top Tip for some others you care to think of?

Comments

  • Brendan_O_Connell
    Brendan_O_Connell Posts: 8,938
    PARENTS: If your child is choking on an ice cube, simply pour boiling water down his or her throat. That’ll get rid of it in no time!
  • Riviera
    Riviera Posts: 8,167
    Old contact lenses make ideal portholes for small model boats.

  • Algarveaddick
    Algarveaddick Posts: 21,156
    MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up, and send it to yourself via DHL, you will guarantee you will never see it again...
  • Stig
    Stig Posts: 29,034
    Putting just the right amount of gin in your fish tank makes the fish swim in an amusing manner.
  • Riviera
    Riviera Posts: 8,167
    Hate the dark winter nights? Well don't put your clocks back in autumn and get an extra hours daylight than everyone else.
  • North Lower Neil
    North Lower Neil Posts: 22,956
    Don't eat yellow snow.
  • Riviera
    Riviera Posts: 8,167
    BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.

  • man_at_milletts
    man_at_milletts Posts: 5,620
    YOUNG mothers: Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist.

  • Greenie
    Greenie Posts: 9,172
    DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
  • Macronate
    Macronate Posts: 12,897
    INVITED by vegetarians for dinner? As you’d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours – ask for a nice steak.

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  • iainment
    iainment Posts: 8,040
    BATHERS. Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with
    a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off
    the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic
    and dangerous landings.
  • MrLargo
    MrLargo Posts: 7,991
    Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
  • MrLargo
    MrLargo Posts: 7,991
    Divide the number of pages in a book by the price to see whether or not it represents good value for money. Compare different books before deciding which to buy.
  • Bournemouth Addick
    Bournemouth Addick Posts: 16,284
    Don't waste police time by phoning to report a kangeroo in your garden without first checking it's not next doors greyhound taking a dump.
  • MrLargo
    MrLargo Posts: 7,991
    Single Mothers - a life sized cut-out of Cecil Parkinson in your kitchen will act as an ideal male role model for your disadvantaged children.
  • iainment
    iainment Posts: 8,040
    Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
    slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
  • JWADDICK
    JWADDICK Posts: 846
    Don't waste money on expensive binoculors, simply stand closer to whatever you want to see.
  • iainment
    iainment Posts: 8,040
    I have been answering stuff on an American board I frequent with Top Tips. They don't get it.

    For whiny kids I suggested;
    Depending on their age this might work - make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.
    They will play with this for hours.

    You try it.
  • iainment
    iainment Posts: 8,040
    edited March 2013
    .
  • maybe_baby
    maybe_baby Posts: 2,609
    edited March 2013
    When after sex your partner says she didnt have an orgasm, cheer her up by telling her you had the best one ever.
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  • Miserableoldgit
    Miserableoldgit Posts: 21,458
    edited March 2013
    Greenie said:

    DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

    Nearly choked on me coffee then !
    Brilliant !

  • Miserableoldgit
    Miserableoldgit Posts: 21,458
    Bournemouth Addick said:

    Don't waste police time by phoning to report a kangeroo in your garden without first checking it's not next doors greyhound taking a dump.

    And again........... ;-)

  • Stig
    Stig Posts: 29,034
    image
  • Chris_from_Sidcup
    Chris_from_Sidcup Posts: 36,028
    SCROOGES: Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender with the simple inscription "Same to you".

    CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.
  • JT
    JT Posts: 12,348
    Brendan_O_Connell said:

    PARENTS: If your child is choking on an ice cube, simply pour boiling water down his or her throat. That’ll get rid of it in no time!


    image

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