....and made me chuckle so thought i'd share it.
Not letting your poo go until the coast is clear -
next time you are in a public convenience washing your hands whilst someone is in the toilet being strangely quiet. simply dry your hands then open and close the exit door, fooling the pooper into a false sense of security. the first "sploosh" can then be greeted with a massive "WAHEY!"
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We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles
and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to
convince
ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing
at
work, following is the Survival Guide for taking dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
your area and
everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful
when you
do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra
30 feet to make
sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for
other pooers.
If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful
not to become
a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you
constantly
going
into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop
in a stall. This is usually
accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee,
do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the
farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.? This
is
usually a side effect
of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in
the stall until everyone
has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water.? This
reduces the amount of air time
the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
doing the
WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
up the bathroom. This can
be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with
farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see
an
Out Of The Closet Pooer
enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.
Always look around the office
for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes
off
without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers,
and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect
visitors. Try floors that
are predominantly of the opposite sex.? This will reduce the odds of a
pooer of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force
the door open. This is one of the
most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at
work. If this occurs, remain
in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are
in a stall. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective
when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you
are
occupying a stall. This will remove
all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooer can
poo in peace.
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you
feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.
Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
ELITIST:
Pooer that checks all cubicles before selecting the best one for
their actions. Probably posts on Charlton Life.
We didn't even start it!!
are you joking, i wrote that!!!