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The Worst Jokes EVER

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull Starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, >this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there >was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

A Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has identical twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Year’s later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."


  • [cite]Posted By: Valley_McMoist[/cite]So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

    Quality that well funny!
  • Ken Dodd's dog died

    Did he?
  • No doddy! lol classic
  • Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

    Quality lol, these are wicked
  • edited March 2007
    Quite possibly the best selection one one liners ever!

    Been on here before but well worth a 2nd visit
  • I've just been crying with laughter at some of them!!!
  • You invented Tippex!!

    ... correct me if I'm wrong!
  • Did anyone else watch "Not Going Out" ?
    Brilliant comedy with Tim Vine,hope there's another series soon
    edited March 2007
    [cite]Posted By: Salad Spinner[/cite]Did anyone else watch "Not Going Out" ?
    Brilliant comedy with Tim Vine,hope there's another series soon

    lol, this is about the only tele prog i put myself out to watch! This was larf every 10 seconds! I only watched the first one as the other bloke in it, Lee Mack, i saw him at 'up the creek' and he was very funny! So i gave it a glance, and now its prob my fave comedy! Very very funny, and clever.
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  • 2 parrots standing on a perch, 1 says to the other "can you smell fish".

    2 snowmen in a field, 1 satys "can you smell carrots"
  • A young man is showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.  She is thrilled at the speed.

    ”If I do 150mph will you take off your clothes?” he smirks.

    ”OK” says his adventurous girlfriend.

    As he gets up to 150mph she peels off all her clothes.  Unable to keep his eyes on the road the car skids on some gravel and flips over.  The naked girl is thrown clear, but the boyfriend is jammed beneath the steering wheel.

    ”Go and get help” he cries.

    “But I cann’t.  I’m naked and all my clothes are gone”

    ”Take my shoe and cover yourself” he says

    Holding the shoe over her privates the girl runs down the road and finds a service station.  Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleads the station proprietor for help.

    ”Please help me!  My boyfriend’s stuck!”

    The proprietor looks at the shoe and says “There’s nothing I can do.  He’s in too far”

  • Why did the crippled chicken cross the road softly?

    Cause he couldn't walk hardly.
  • I thought this thread already existed.
  • Holmesdale Fanatics
  • edited March 2022
    Tried to catch some fog the other day... Mist

    Ordered a chicken and an egg online the other day - I'll let you know which comes first
  • What causes water on the brain … A tap on the head 
  • edited March 2022
    Tried tap dancing once but fell in the sink.
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  • how do you make a Venetian blind ? .. poke his eyes out

    how to make a Swiss Roll .. push him down a mountain
  • how to make a Maltese cross .. nick his beer
  • edited March 2022
    Two owls playing pool in the pub.

    Owl 1 breaks and goes in off

    Owl 2 laughs and says “That’s two hits”

    Owl 1 says “Two hits to who?”

  • "My wife's gone to the West Indies"
    "No, she went of her own accord"

    "What's a Grecian Urn?"
    "Oh, about 30 bob a week"

    Courtesy  of Richard Wattis and Ian Carmichaei ...The Colditz Story.
  • Went fishing last week using liquorice as bait. Caught allsorts.

  • 2 cows in a field

    Cow #1 - "You heard about this mad cows disease going about"

    Cow #2 - "Couldn't give a f ck, I'm a squirrel"
  • edited March 2022
    How does nasa arrange a party?

    They Planet.
  • How much a Greecian earn?

    About €500 a week, on average 
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