A major earthquake sending many OAPs' blood pressure off the Richter scale hit Kent with its epicentre in Tunbridge Wells and neighbouring small but beautiful villages, several of them contenders in the Village Green of the Year competition last Saturday.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "I don't believe it! Have you seen the damage to Margorie's Box Hedge?".
The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £2,000,000 worth of damage, well that's what the Estate Agent said it's worth. And one went only last week in Hawkhurst for over that amount, and they hadn't even put it on the market yet.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Mrs Fotheringtons Tea Shoppe and the Bide-a-wee Collectable Ceramics shop just off the High Street were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic model villages were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before they had a chance to put on their driving gloves. Invicta FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something had happened which was not the fault of those dreadful gyppoes at the back of the Waitrose Car Park.
One resident - Major Derek Barking, an 80-year-old owner of five bassett hounds, said "It was such a shock, my little Mulberry came trotting into the bedroom barking like crazy with his tale between his legs. However, the two bitches, Juno and Sword slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was tying my cravate and finishing a letter to the Daily Mail the next morning.”
Apparently serving of cream teas, and shooting of tresspassers were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Clotted Cream to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Jaegar scarves, sensible shoes and sacks of Winalot.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Items most needed include:
Keep off the Grass Signs
Dog leads
Saleable Antiques
Cravates
Loose tea, not that ghastly stuff in bags that seems so prevalent nowadays. Thank God for Waitrose, that's what I say,
Any other items usually sold in tiny shops with small bay windows
Food parcels of Gentlemen's Relish and Mrs Balls' Chutney may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a Mrs Beauchamps in the rubble smothered in Strawberry Jam. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked. 'bleeding? This is Old Mother Flummery's finest home made strawberry preserve, you grotty little man. Get me some clotted cream and a cup of Darjeeling before I set the Estate Workers on you”
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