No piss-taking please, this is a serious request.
A member of the family is having a lot of problems with their marriage at the moment (to the point they've temporarily moved out) around having kids. They're apparently contemplating getting some counselling, so...Have any of you guys/gals used any counselling services in the past? Can you recommend any good ones/ones to avoid?
Thanks in advance.
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I've had general counselling in the past. This was in Maidstone. Didn't do anything for me to be honest.
Hope you get a decent answer and solution to your connected problem.
I could never get married.... As would probably need counselling only a week later.
A personal sad realization I'm gana end up a miserable lonely old toad replacing possible family life for fishing, golf and clay shooting.
I know how these threads normally go, hence the "no piss taking" at the start!
I know I'm only getting one side of the story but it sounded like his wife and the counsellor basically spent the hour long sessions (he did 4) slagging him off! He accepts he isn't perfect, but when you consider it was his wife cheating on him that had triggered the breakdown, then it seems an "odd" approach.
I assume there are various styles and perhaps he just got unlucky, but with that in mind it would probably be worth doing some research into counselling styles and trying to get some positive testimony before committing to a particular format - it can be very expensive as well.
I kept the piece of paper with the pros/cons and have it in my bedside cabinet.
They've put it off due to career stuff & now worried the boat has been missed.
Also, at the risk of sounding rude, many of these services depend, very much, on the ability of the counsellor and as in many industries there are good ones and not so good ones.
I suggested this to my wife when she announced that she didn't think she was sure she wanted to stay married. She declined the offer but I later realised that what she really meant was that she had already decided to leave, but wanted to break it to me gently.
If the lady is younger and sees 'her time' running out for motherhood she will, probably, need a quick commitment to children or she will fear time slipping away for her. I'm guessing that unless he is going to change his mind no amount of talking about it will change that. I'd also suggest that if he convinces her not to have them she will become resentful and there will be, virtually, no marriage worth saving. My advice to your friend would for him to seriously consider having them but then I can't imagine my life having any meaning if I didn't have my son now.
I wish them both the best of luck!
If he is older and feels he has missed his chance to have kids he is being a fool.
The man is fertile for many, many years. You have very rarely missed your chance to be a dad.
If he is younger he may feel he can leave it another few years.
He's not taking into account his partner's age, fears and situation.
If she is older, she may feel time limited and won't want to wait for him to be ready as that may be too late.
She has a point, but needs to realise a child in a broken marriage will see the arguments, they will see that their dad never wanted to be.
She could be lucky and the pregnancy if it comes sparks that paternal instinct in him.
If she is younger, the desperation will come from one of two things (in most cases):
- Immaturity, she doesn't realise she has a while and should live life for now.
or
- An underlying health issue, There are many conditions that will make her worry that the longer she waits the less likely she is to be able to have children.
By the way feel free to shut me down anyone, I'm not a councillor, but communicating is the biggest breakdown that causes ANY argument.
Silent treatment is not the way, neither is having a strop because your partner wants to talk about something that scares you.
Talking, openly and honestly without arguing is always the best first step. I don't think any professional councillor would be targeting either party.
What probably happened is the councillor was trying to get your mate to realise which of his actions drove his wife into cheating. Why she didn't feel attracted to him anymore.
Had he stopped trying?
Was he too much of a walk over?
Was the romance gone?
Were they both just bored of the same old routine?
Was he flirting with and eyeing up other women?
Had he gained weight and started eating poorly without trying to remain in some kind of shape for her?
So much effort goes into keeping the love alive in a relationship, a lot of that effort is subconscious. You don't realise you're doing but because of that you don't realise you've stopped doing it.
There's a very good chance she tried to rekindle their feelings for one another before being led astray.
This in no way excuses her actions. If she didn't love him anymore she should have ended it.
If you cheat, at that moment you're not in love with your partner.
It certainly can be recovered from though. You can fall back in love, providing you both still have some of those quirks that made you fall for one another in the first place.
A marriage based on looks alone is often doomed to fail as personality is what you still have when the looks are fading. This just isn't true. Whilst some relationships are already over by the time counselling is considered this doesn't apply to all.
The biggest issue today is too many people (I'm not saying this was your situation @kings hill addick ) give up without ever having tried to repair their bonds.
Some kind of weird kink?
If they both want to make it work then they will find a way, with or without counselling.
I would advise you just ask him whether he really wants it. If yes, then fight for it, if not, don't, because you can't force that
And I believe that you are wrong, or have a different definition of love, if you think that one person cannot love someone yet get involved with someone else at the same time.
to be 'In love' means no one else counts, no one else is as beautiful or attractive as that person. Not just physically, but in terms of emotion, intelligence, sense of humour etc...
Having 'love' for someone is different, you care for them but you don't feel all of the above for them.
Sure you love them but you're bored of something about them or there is something that really irritates you almost to the point of hating that thing or being disgusted by it... that's not being in love.
But then I'm young and have been with my better half since we were 16. Childhood sweethearts some might say.
I have loved her from the day I met her.
After a couple of months I knew I was 'in love'.
I have never had a day where I haven't felt I was in love with her since. We still go on dates (with one another obvs). We still argue now and then. We make up again and all is well. I still buy her flowers, she still fills me with confidence.
I genuinely cannot imagine ever feeling how I do about her about someone else.
Maybe I'm an old school romantic at heart. Or maybe I've just been lucky maybe it's both.
Or being I'm 28 maybe like with all things Charlton, reality will come crumbling down on my head one day!
There are no right answers to these questions, but a good counsellor can help them articulate what they think about these issues, and the reasoning and/or gut feelings that underly them. Whether they can come to an agreement that allows them to stay together depends on how heavily entrenched they are in their present positions, or if understanding more fully where the other is coming from enables them to work out a compromise that works for both of them.
My mate went for couples counselling with his now ex-wife. I had t laugh out loud when he told me this.
At a session he was asked about how he felt about her, and advised to be honest. He said that he loved her but was no longer sexually attracted to her as he found her too thin. (She had lost a lot of weight 5' 7" -under 7st) Anyway the counsellor absolutely slated him for putting her down. Fortunately they divorced and she is happily with someone else and now pregnant. Incidentally the reason they split up was she wanted kids and he didn't even want it on the table for discussion. He had made this clear at the outset of their relationship and held firm all the way through. She still married him after a three year courtship, then a few years in went to work on the children issues. It soon folded like a deck of cards. Strangely he's now 44 and trying for a baby with current girlfriend. Sometimes it's the relationship that's not right for you.
With regards to having them naturally, we agreed to start trying in the new year and if she hadn't fallen by May, stop and have a big holiday (Australia, Far East).
She fell pregnant after 3-4 weeks. I remember saying to her "I'll throw all these bloody brochures away then shall I"