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Aged parents.

jonseventyfivejonseventyfive
in Not Sports Related
And when to intervene, my old mum is 87, and fiercely proud of living alone. I'm her only surviving offspring having lost 2 sisters and my pop. The difficulty comes when I say mum and my wife have never got on, it's a minefield. We live over an hour away but I visit regularly on my own, I favour assisted living very near to us but it means leaving bowls and her friends behind, I'm sure many have similar problems hopefully I can work it out.

Comments

  • LenGloverLenGlover
    jonseventyfive said:

    And when to intervene, my old mum is 87, and fiercely proud of living alone. I'm her only surviving offspring having lost 2 sisters and my pop. The difficulty comes when I say mum and my wife have never got on, it's a minefield. We live over an hour away but I visit regularly on my own, I favour assisted living very near to us but it means leaving bowls and her friends behind, I'm sure many have similar problems hopefully I can work it out.

    Tough one.

    Is there any form of assisted living where she is to enable her to retain her independence and social life as much as she can?
  • AFKABartramAFKABartram
    Feel your pain, can't be easy
  • jonseventyfivejonseventyfive
    Thanks chaps, it's a tricky one to say the least, assisted living in Bushey isn't cheap but it's an option, difficult bit will be the move.
  • BaldybonceBaldybonce
    My mum is in a home and while not perfect she is well fed, looked after and happy.
    Just don't talk about the cost!
  • jonseventyfivejonseventyfive
    That would put my mind at rest Bb, convincing her is another thing altogether, I'll get there in the end.
  • jonseventyfivejonseventyfive
    eaststandmike said:

    I can relate to this one jonseventyfive.

    My mum is 93 this year, still active and refuses any outside help, up until late last year she lived in Birchington near Margate which was an hour each way for me however she had a couple of falls last year and had to use the emergency pendent she wears round her neck.

    The monitoring center that operates the pendent had a bit of a pop saying I lived too far away, the rules state a family member should live within 30 minutes and they cannot understand how I slipped through the net.

    Dad has passed away and we lost my sister to cancer so I am all mums got so long story short I have managed to find her a bungalow in Allington just outside of Maidstone with a walk in wet room so its a win-win.

    Luckily I do not have any issues on the wife front, my mum idolises my missus but it is never easy.

    Hang in there and do the best you can, I learned do not be afraid to say "no", they get more demanding as they get older but what they do not realise is we are all getting older as well.

    Mike

    Thanks for that, lots of similarities, keep calm and carry on I guess.
  • aliwibblealiwibble
    It took my parents about ten years to persuade my Nan and Grandad to move into sheltered accommodation, but one of the things that swung it was they managed to get a place really close by (from halfway along Eastcombe up to near the green at the Standard). It meant their old neighbours could pop in, they were familiar with the shops, could still go to their local church at Christmas and Easter, and so on. So I agree with Len, if you can manage to find somewhere appropriate near to where she currently lives, that will be an easier sell, and less of an upheaval for her.

    The other thing to bear in mind is that a fair amount of sorting out and clearing out is likely to be required before she moves, as she'll be in a much smaller place. I'd suggest trying to agree with her the principle of a move now, on the basis that you're going to give her 3 to 6 months to get used to the idea and establish what provision is available local to her. Then you can spend that time with her gradually sorting out what's essential, what's nice to have, and what can be chucked or passed on to other family members for posterity. Then once that time's passed you can apply to where's best for her, and if it turns out they've got a place available at short notice, you'll have less of a mad rush to decide what she's taking with her and what she isn't.
  • jonseventyfivejonseventyfive
    That's good advice thank you.
  • Covered EndCovered End
    edited March 2017
    My 88 year old mother in law had a stroke 18 months ago.

    My wife, her 2 sisters and myself care for her between us.

    My wife stays with her all & every weekend.

    She's on her own for no more than a day at a time.

    Ma in law is happy as she doesn't need carers LOL.

    On the plus side we can watch sport all weekend.

    All the best.
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  • jonseventyfivejonseventyfive
    Thanks all, when I have a glass tonight consider yourselves toasted.
  • cantersaddickcantersaddick
    jonseventyfive said:

    That would put my mind at rest Bb, convincing her is another thing altogether, I'll get there in the end.

    My grandad went into a home for a couple of weeks, for respite care, while we were on holiday. He was 89 at the time and lived alone. He did come out after the 2 weeks but that was what made him realise how tough it was to manage on his own. By that stage he had meals on wheels delivered every day. A carer in 3 days a week a cleaner once a week and one of us popping in every day.

    He is now 94 happy in the home and much healthier and stronger.
  • Essex_AlEssex_Al
    jonseventyfive said:

    And when to intervene, my old mum is 87, and fiercely proud of living alone. I'm her only surviving offspring having lost 2 sisters and my pop. The difficulty comes when I say mum and my wife have never got on, it's a minefield. We live over an hour away but I visit regularly on my own, I favour assisted living very near to us but it means leaving bowls and her friends behind, I'm sure many have similar problems hopefully I can work it out.

    Jon, is Mum still coping to live independently?

    If she is, she may not thank you for taking her away from her friends, if she is still playing bowls, it sounds like she's still reasonably fit.

    If/when she decides the time is right to move, (I'm assuming you live in Bushey) there are a good number of private assisted living/sheltered housing/extra care schemes nearby. If she owns her home, this can be sold and the proceeds used to purchase a new property in a scheme. Look out for McCarthy & Stone or Churchill who are both excellent builders in the type of property she would need. First Port are a managing agent who have numerous schemes in Bushey/Watford, check their website for availability. If she doesn't own her home, get her on the local authorities waiting list asap.

    I work in this field so if I can help further don't hesitate to ask.

    Al
  • jonseventyfivejonseventyfive
    Hi Al, at the mo she drives a little and bowls 2/3 times a week, also finance isn't the issue, in my mind this summer will be the last in her house, quality of life and some happiness is my concern, after losing my her daughters mentally she's a little fragile although very very determined, even talking about a little like this is helpful, thanks.
  • charltonbobcharltonbob
    Jon I think that's very good advice from EssexAl, I think we've probably all heard stories of people rapidly going downhill once their independence is taken away, of course there's the other side of the story where some people can thrive having that little extra bit of help. My Mum is 90 this year & fiercely independent & fiercely stubborn & she has said many times over, "this is my home & this is where I'm staying" :smile: What are your Mums feelings ? I would think leaving her Bowls & friends behind would be a massive wrench. It's a very very difficult situation & I wish you & your Mum best wishes & hope that you find a solution that suits you both.
  • Covered EndCovered End
    edited March 2017
    jonseventyfive said:

    Hi Al, at the mo she drives a little and bowls 2/3 times a week, also finance isn't the issue, in my mind this summer will be the last in her house, quality of life and some happiness is my concern, after losing my her daughters mentally she's a little fragile although very very determined, even talking about a little like this is helpful, thanks.

    If your mum can drive a car I don't understand why she can't live independently.

    As Essex Al says, if she can get by, there's no way she'll want to go to a home, (I'd presume, who would ? )

    If she needs a carer to pop in once or twice a day and has no savings, the council may pay for this.

    If she has savings I think it's something like £16K, then she has to pay.

    Anyway, investigate these things.

    NB If she does have to pay and owns her own house, she/you could look into equity release.
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