Yes all I can hear is the word "hormones" as I read this.
I'm sure its just a stage they are going through and that they will grow into lovely young women and appreciate what you did for them when they start out for themselves. I'm almost certain that will happen.
In one of my daughter's challenging moments, she said when the dustman comes I am going to throw you in the back of the lorry. I said at this moment, it is an option I would willingly consider!
It hurts me to say this but I don't have the best relationship with my 18 year old daughter because of her poor attitude, laziness and rudeness. Anything I say to her or ask her to do is met with refusal and I am spoken to like a piece of dirt. Of course, my wife puts the blame on the way I talk to her and I admit that I do snap but only in response to the way I am spoken to.
She is off to Portsmouth Uni in September and I will miss her dearly but I have to wonder how she will cope when she never lifts a finger to help at home and keeps her room like a pig sty.
My lad is 16, as many have said he's very hard work, only time we really seem to talk is at football, and there's the problem, if only the winds of change would blow and we could get back to really enjoying our days out.
My daughter is 11 now. I've lived apart from her just after she'd turned 2, so 9 years now.
Generally she's a good kid, excelling at school but in the last 12 months she's developed an attitude that stinks a bit.
People will ask her a question or try to speak to her and she just blatantly blanks them and ignores them. Me, her Mum, both sets of Grandparents, her Step-Mum's parents.
I've pulled her up about it and she's blamed it on shyness. Absolute bullsh*t. She's far from shy. She's the most confident kid around when she wants to be.
We had a decent run of six months after our little chat but its creeping back in again. I had a long chat with my wife (her Step Mum) and her Mum about it and I'm speaking with my parents about it at the weekend as its a rare weekend without her but all of them have noticed it and its embarrassing for all concerned.
I do have a good tactic though to share. If they've got a phone or tablet, check out the 'Our Pact' app. You just need to install it on their phone/tablet when they're asleep.
So when they start playing up, open the app on your phone then you can turn off every single app on their phone. Ultimate parent power. Slightly evil too. Ha, have that you little sh*t! Anyway...
I always wondered what it would be like if I ever met someone and I had to introduce them to my daughter. I shouldn't have worried. Her Step Mum is brilliant with her and I'll go as far as saying if you saw them out together, you would think they are Mother and Daughter. They've got a best-friends relationship going on which is quite nice and they spend most of their time bullying me!
However, her Mum has met a new fella and he moved in with them 18 months ago and my daughter cant stand him. My daughter says all he does is sit on the sofa watching football and spends the whole time moaning and apparently he makes absolutely no effort to talk to her. I've avoided getting involved so far as my daughter has asked me not to say anything but its getting to the point where I will have to poke my nose in.
Yes, I have, the trouble is she totally lacks any level of self-awareness in that way, and can't introspect. I recall when I did psychology A'level was around the first time I developed any form of that, I think others can take a lot longer - I am by no means perfect don't get me wrong.
A good point is to tell her youre not perfect but doing what you think is best and people including yourself are not always right. My eldest is 17 and they have a good understanding of life but dont full appreciate life expericences which is what you and I have done, because of age. My marriage ended and kids were a big part of the problem but I wouldn't be without them. You and your wife do need breaks and if possible time away from them kids together can also help to reasses what can be done to help. Your relationship is also key.
It hurts me to say this but I don't have the best relationship with my 18 year old daughter because of her poor attitude, laziness and rudeness. Anything I say to her or ask her to do is met with refusal and I am spoken to like a piece of dirt. Of course, my wife puts the blame on the way I talk to her and I admit that I do snap but only in response to the way I am spoken to.
She is off to Portsmouth Uni in September and I will miss her dearly but I have to wonder how she will cope when she never lifts a finger to help at home and keeps her room like a pig sty.
You clearly love her with all your heart, and would stand in front of a train for her. But there is something in your post regarding rudeness, snapping, and what your wife says. It is a huge challenge that as parents we might have to watch our P's and Q's with our teenagers, I mean who do they think they are when they are so rude themselves? Yet, it may be that listening, and the language of interaction can help to improve situations, even though it is a tough call. It might start by accepting that if our teenagers are not going to change in their rudeness, we can. Maybe it starts with the teenager making the first move too. For example in a post above a daughter accuses her parents of tight fistedness. That seems to me a good point to start a dialogue. It might be along the lines of, 'When you're so difficult and to be honest hurtful, I really don't feel like getting you a car even if I could afford it's. The response might be dialogue, it might be a flounce, but it is a seed planted.
Sons can be challenging too occasionally I find from experience.
Hormones, pushing boundaries, find a role in the world, the pressure of exams etc will all be factors to a lesser or greater extent depending on who they are, their own self confidence or lack of same or just being selfish in the sense of thinking about themselves first because they've never really had to consider other people much and certainly not parents. The parent have to adapt to the changing dynamic as much as they do. They've not kids anymore.
What we've never had is our son not finishing a meal. Eats like a horse and is still very slim. More that he wants to try the most expensive meals at the most expensive restaurant.
I agree with some comments above about the problems modern technology brings (as well as obvious benefits like personal safety, constant contact etc.).
My kids are younger (albeit already IPad obsessed) but in due course I will be politely reminding them when they refuse to lift their faces from their smartphones to:
1. Remember it's highly unlikely you will be able to make a living using just your smartphone (unless you are one of the handful of YouTube/Instagram 'stars') so get off your backside and learn something valuable;
2. Be wary of confusing internet friends and 'likes' with real friends and 'things in common' - when something bad happens to you don't be shocked if you don't hear from as many people as you expect;
3. Use technology as a means to end (a purchase, a date, a holiday, a song, a place, a recommendation..) and not as the means itself - mindless online gaming, chat and gossip doesn't enrich your life one jot;
4. Remember that no-one apart from your family and very closest friends give a toss about what you're doing and what you think, so stop sharing it with all and sundry (similarly stop caring about what they're doing too) - this doesn't apply to Charlton Life obviously!;
5. That you'll get a fake and unrealistic view on other people's lives which will invariably reflect badly on your own - few people share the bad things in their life online;
6. Remind yourself that all of the things that billions of people have enjoyed for centuries still exist today and didn't stop existing ten years ago when smartphones came out (countryside, beaches, fresh air, exercise, books, conversation, good food etc.);
7. Remember that app/website developers are preying to our naturally addictive personalities - smartphone addicts are no better than any other addict, and arguably it's just as damaging psychologically;
8. Remember you'll get a nasty shock in the real world so prepare for it now;
9. And finally remember that on your death bed you won't wish you spent more time looking at your phone.
I agree with some comments above about the problems modern technology brings (as well as obvious benefits like personal safety, constant contact etc.).
My kids are younger (albeit already IPad obsessed) but in due course I will be politely reminding them when they refuse to lift their faces from their smartphones to:
1. Remember it's highly unlikely you will be able to make a living using just your smartphone (unless you are one of the handful of YouTube/Instagram 'stars') so get off your backside and learn something valuable;
2. Be wary of confusing internet friends and 'likes' with real friends and 'things in common' - when something bad happens to you don't be shocked if you don't hear from as many people as you expect;
3. Use technology as a means to end (a purchase, a date, a holiday, a song, a place, a recommendation..) and not as the means itself - mindless online gaming, chat and gossip doesn't enrich your life one jot;
4. Remember that no-one apart from your family and very closest friends give a toss about what you're doing and what you think, so stop sharing it with all and sundry (similarly stop caring about what they're doing too) - this doesn't apply to Charlton Life obviously!;
5. That you'll get a fake and unrealistic view on other people's lives which will invariably reflect badly on your own - few people share the bad things in their life online;
6. Remind yourself that all of the things that billions of people have enjoyed for centuries still exist today and didn't stop existing ten years ago when smartphones came out (countryside, beaches, fresh air, exercise, books, conversation, good food etc.);
7. Remember that app/website developers are preying to our naturally addictive personalities - smartphone addicts are no better than any other addict, and arguably it's just as damaging psychologically;
8. Remember you'll get a nasty shock in the real world so prepare for it now;
9. And finally remember that on your death bed you won't wish you spent more time looking at your phone.
Don't know what I've been worried about. After reading through this thread I have come to the conclusion my soon to be 18 year old daughter is in fact quite normal after all lol.
I agree with some comments above about the problems modern technology brings (as well as obvious benefits like personal safety, constant contact etc.).
My kids are younger (albeit already IPad obsessed) but in due course I will be politely reminding them when they refuse to lift their faces from their smartphones to:
1. Remember it's highly unlikely you will be able to make a living using just your smartphone (unless you are one of the handful of YouTube/Instagram 'stars') so get off your backside and learn something valuable;
2. Be wary of confusing internet friends and 'likes' with real friends and 'things in common' - when something bad happens to you don't be shocked if you don't hear from as many people as you expect;
3. Use technology as a means to end (a purchase, a date, a holiday, a song, a place, a recommendation..) and not as the means itself - mindless online gaming, chat and gossip doesn't enrich your life one jot;
4. Remember that no-one apart from your family and very closest friends give a toss about what you're doing and what you think, so stop sharing it with all and sundry (similarly stop caring about what they're doing too) - this doesn't apply to Charlton Life obviously!;
5. That you'll get a fake and unrealistic view on other people's lives which will invariably reflect badly on your own - few people share the bad things in their life online;
6. Remind yourself that all of the things that billions of people have enjoyed for centuries still exist today and didn't stop existing ten years ago when smartphones came out (countryside, beaches, fresh air, exercise, books, conversation, good food etc.);
7. Remember that app/website developers are preying to our naturally addictive personalities - smartphone addicts are no better than any other addict, and arguably it's just as damaging psychologically;
8. Remember you'll get a nasty shock in the real world so prepare for it now;
9. And finally remember that on your death bed you won't wish you spent more time looking at your phone.
well I won't be friend requesting you....
:-)
You won't be surprised to hear I'm not on Facebook, Pinterest or Instagram!
What you need to remember is what goes round comes round...
Thats so true you know.
Looking back, I was a little b@stard at home when I was in my teens... and to an extent in my 20s and 30s too with my attitude towards my parents at times, especially with my old man. If he said black was white, I'd have to agree as I wasn't entitled to an opinion. Never had an issue with Mum, it was always my old man. We're too alike apparently. Not sure what happened but we all went on holiday together at my wife's idea 2 years ago (I must admit, I couldn't think of anything worse when she first suggested it) and my relationship with my old man has improved to the point where I'm almost idolising him again like I did before I became a teenager. I've got an awful lot closer to him and I've got my wife to thank for that.
Unfortunately, the way I've spoken to my parents at times in the last 10 years may well have rubbed off on my daughter a tiny bit and could be the reason for the attitude towards adults now.
I agree with some comments above about the problems modern technology brings (as well as obvious benefits like personal safety, constant contact etc.).
My kids are younger (albeit already IPad obsessed) but in due course I will be politely reminding them when they refuse to lift their faces from their smartphones to:
1. Remember it's highly unlikely you will be able to make a living using just your smartphone (unless you are one of the handful of YouTube/Instagram 'stars') so get off your backside and learn something valuable;
2. Be wary of confusing internet friends and 'likes' with real friends and 'things in common' - when something bad happens to you don't be shocked if you don't hear from as many people as you expect;
3. Use technology as a means to end (a purchase, a date, a holiday, a song, a place, a recommendation..) and not as the means itself - mindless online gaming, chat and gossip doesn't enrich your life one jot;
4. Remember that no-one apart from your family and very closest friends give a toss about what you're doing and what you think, so stop sharing it with all and sundry (similarly stop caring about what they're doing too) - this doesn't apply to Charlton Life obviously!;
5. That you'll get a fake and unrealistic view on other people's lives which will invariably reflect badly on your own - few people share the bad things in their life online;
6. Remind yourself that all of the things that billions of people have enjoyed for centuries still exist today and didn't stop existing ten years ago when smartphones came out (countryside, beaches, fresh air, exercise, books, conversation, good food etc.);
7. Remember that app/website developers are preying to our naturally addictive personalities - smartphone addicts are no better than any other addict, and arguably it's just as damaging psychologically;
8. Remember you'll get a nasty shock in the real world so prepare for it now;
9. And finally remember that on your death bed you won't wish you spent more time looking at your phone.
Brilliant. Already told my 13 yr old son to read this thread. He's no trouble (atm) but all 3 (the other 2 are 12 & 10) spend too much time looking at their phones or tablets.
My daughter is 11 now. I've lived apart from her just after she'd turned 2, so 9 years now.
Generally she's a good kid, excelling at school but in the last 12 months she's developed an attitude that stinks a bit.
People will ask her a question or try to speak to her and she just blatantly blanks them and ignores them. Me, her Mum, both sets of Grandparents, her Step-Mum's parents.
I've pulled her up about it and she's blamed it on shyness. Absolute bullsh*t. She's far from shy. She's the most confident kid around when she wants to be.
We had a decent run of six months after our little chat but its creeping back in again. I had a long chat with my wife (her Step Mum) and her Mum about it and I'm speaking with my parents about it at the weekend as its a rare weekend without her but all of them have noticed it and its embarrassing for all concerned.
I do have a good tactic though to share. If they've got a phone or tablet, check out the 'Our Pact' app. You just need to install it on their phone/tablet when they're asleep.
So when they start playing up, open the app on your phone then you can turn off every single app on their phone. Ultimate parent power. Slightly evil too. Ha, have that you little sh*t! Anyway...
I always wondered what it would be like if I ever met someone and I had to introduce them to my daughter. I shouldn't have worried. Her Step Mum is brilliant with her and I'll go as far as saying if you saw them out together, you would think they are Mother and Daughter. They've got a best-friends relationship going on which is quite nice and they spend most of their time bullying me!
However, her Mum has met a new fella and he moved in with them 18 months ago and my daughter cant stand him. My daughter says all he does is sit on the sofa watching football and spends the whole time moaning and apparently he makes absolutely no effort to talk to her. I've avoided getting involved so far as my daughter has asked me not to say anything but its getting to the point where I will have to poke my nose in.
Never underestimate the effect a divorce has on kids. Admittedly yours was only a toddler when you split up but my wife's parents divorced when she was about 12. We were watching a programme a while ago and parents were explaining to their daughter they were separating and my wife started sobbing her eyes out (it was pretty much the same talk she was given)
Even at the time she kind of realised it was the right thing for them to do and accepted it fairly quickly. She even kept the key to their house they had to sell as she told herself she would buy it back on day (4 bedroom house in Winchmore Hill, good luck)
My daughter is 26, she's been 26 since she was 5! I did go through a phase where I expected to wake up with her hovering over my bed with a kitchen knife.
You mentioned your wife does not always back you up, parental consistency is important ... You need to agree that in front of your daughter you both agree, behind her back you can argue!
If her behaviour changed almost overnight there maybe other issues at play.
Don't let her get to you, certainly in front of her..
You may still see her as a little girl but she sees herself as a grown woman, truth is she is somewhere in between and you need to treat her as such.
Daughter is 8 and son is 4. They have their moments but are largely well behaved though my daughter does occasionally act like a stroppy teen and I reckon I'll have my hands full in a couple of years. Thankfully I can talk her down and see the error of her ways. She is still a daddies girl but that's just how I love it.
Good luck to all those that are struggling in here. I've been through enough traumatic family shit in my life to know that it is hellish
One thing to consider in defence of the kids is, is there something going on in their lives that you are not aware of. My boy had a spell of coming home from school very sullen and snappy. It turned out he was getting some grief from a group of boys. Once that was sorted he went back to his usual self.
Comments
I'm sure its just a stage they are going through and that they will grow into lovely young women and appreciate what you did for them when they start out for themselves. I'm almost certain that will happen.
Keep the faith.
Riders on the storm time.
She is off to Portsmouth Uni in September and I will miss her dearly but I have to wonder how she will cope when she never lifts a finger to help at home and keeps her room like a pig sty.
Generally she's a good kid, excelling at school but in the last 12 months she's developed an attitude that stinks a bit.
People will ask her a question or try to speak to her and she just blatantly blanks them and ignores them. Me, her Mum, both sets of Grandparents, her Step-Mum's parents.
I've pulled her up about it and she's blamed it on shyness. Absolute bullsh*t. She's far from shy. She's the most confident kid around when she wants to be.
We had a decent run of six months after our little chat but its creeping back in again. I had a long chat with my wife (her Step Mum) and her Mum about it and I'm speaking with my parents about it at the weekend as its a rare weekend without her but all of them have noticed it and its embarrassing for all concerned.
I do have a good tactic though to share. If they've got a phone or tablet, check out the 'Our Pact' app. You just need to install it on their phone/tablet when they're asleep.
So when they start playing up, open the app on your phone then you can turn off every single app on their phone. Ultimate parent power. Slightly evil too. Ha, have that you little sh*t! Anyway...
I always wondered what it would be like if I ever met someone and I had to introduce them to my daughter. I shouldn't have worried. Her Step Mum is brilliant with her and I'll go as far as saying if you saw them out together, you would think they are Mother and Daughter. They've got a best-friends relationship going on which is quite nice and they spend most of their time bullying me!
However, her Mum has met a new fella and he moved in with them 18 months ago and my daughter cant stand him. My daughter says all he does is sit on the sofa watching football and spends the whole time moaning and apparently he makes absolutely no effort to talk to her. I've avoided getting involved so far as my daughter has asked me not to say anything but its getting to the point where I will have to poke my nose in.
My marriage ended and kids were a big part of the problem but I wouldn't be without them. You and your wife do need breaks and if possible time away from them kids together can also help to reasses what can be done to help. Your relationship is also key.
But there is something in your post regarding rudeness, snapping, and what your wife says.
It is a huge challenge that as parents we might have to watch our P's and Q's with our teenagers, I mean who do they think they are when they are so rude themselves?
Yet, it may be that listening, and the language of interaction can help to improve situations, even though it is a tough call.
It might start by accepting that if our teenagers are not going to change in their rudeness, we can.
Maybe it starts with the teenager making the first move too. For example in a post above a daughter accuses her parents of tight fistedness. That seems to me a good point to start a dialogue.
It might be along the lines of, 'When you're so difficult and to be honest hurtful, I really don't feel like getting you a car even if I could afford it's.
The response might be dialogue, it might be a flounce, but it is a seed planted.
Hormones, pushing boundaries, find a role in the world, the pressure of exams etc will all be factors to a lesser or greater extent depending on who they are, their own self confidence or lack of same or just being selfish in the sense of thinking about themselves first because they've never really had to consider other people much and certainly not parents. The parent have to adapt to the changing dynamic as much as they do. They've not kids anymore.
What we've never had is our son not finishing a meal. Eats like a horse and is still very slim. More that he wants to try the most expensive meals at the most expensive restaurant.
My kids are younger (albeit already IPad obsessed) but in due course I will be politely reminding them when they refuse to lift their faces from their smartphones to:
1. Remember it's highly unlikely you will be able to make a living using just your smartphone (unless you are one of the handful of YouTube/Instagram 'stars') so get off your backside and learn something valuable;
2. Be wary of confusing internet friends and 'likes' with real friends and 'things in common' - when something bad happens to you don't be shocked if you don't hear from as many people as you expect;
3. Use technology as a means to end (a purchase, a date, a holiday, a song, a place, a recommendation..) and not as the means itself - mindless online gaming, chat and gossip doesn't enrich your life one jot;
4. Remember that no-one apart from your family and very closest friends give a toss about what you're doing and what you think, so stop sharing it with all and sundry (similarly stop caring about what they're doing too) - this doesn't apply to Charlton Life obviously!;
5. That you'll get a fake and unrealistic view on other people's lives which will invariably reflect badly on your own - few people share the bad things in their life online;
6. Remind yourself that all of the things that billions of people have enjoyed for centuries still exist today and didn't stop existing ten years ago when smartphones came out (countryside, beaches, fresh air, exercise, books, conversation, good food etc.);
7. Remember that app/website developers are preying to our naturally addictive personalities - smartphone addicts are no better than any other addict, and arguably it's just as damaging psychologically;
8. Remember you'll get a nasty shock in the real world so prepare for it now;
9. And finally remember that on your death bed you won't wish you spent more time looking at your phone.
I've got 3 girls aged 10, 7 and 1 (almost 2) and a boy who's 14 weeks............can't wait for the next 15 years
:-)
My daughter was a nightmare to get hold of when she was out as a teenager, her mobile was always "battery flat" or "no signal".....yeah right.
Now she has children her 11 year old son is finding his feet over the local park and surprise, surprise, his battery is "always flat" or "no signal"
She gets so angry at this and I find it so funny..........................happy days
Just keep taking it off and putting back on as compromises are agreed.
Teens can't deal with no door on the bedroom.
Looking back, I was a little b@stard at home when I was in my teens... and to an extent in my 20s and 30s too with my attitude towards my parents at times, especially with my old man. If he said black was white, I'd have to agree as I wasn't entitled to an opinion. Never had an issue with Mum, it was always my old man. We're too alike apparently. Not sure what happened but we all went on holiday together at my wife's idea 2 years ago (I must admit, I couldn't think of anything worse when she first suggested it) and my relationship with my old man has improved to the point where I'm almost idolising him again like I did before I became a teenager. I've got an awful lot closer to him and I've got my wife to thank for that.
Unfortunately, the way I've spoken to my parents at times in the last 10 years may well have rubbed off on my daughter a tiny bit and could be the reason for the attitude towards adults now.
Even at the time she kind of realised it was the right thing for them to do and accepted it fairly quickly. She even kept the key to their house they had to sell as she told herself she would buy it back on day (4 bedroom house in Winchmore Hill, good luck)
You mentioned your wife does not always back you up, parental consistency is important ... You need to agree that in front of your daughter you both agree, behind her back you can argue!
If her behaviour changed almost overnight there maybe other issues at play.
Don't let her get to you, certainly in front of her..
You may still see her as a little girl but she sees herself as a grown woman, truth is she is somewhere in between and you need to treat her as such.
You could move .. good luck!
Daughter is 8 and son is 4. They have their moments but are largely well behaved though my daughter does occasionally act like a stroppy teen and I reckon I'll have my hands full in a couple of years. Thankfully I can talk her down and see the error of her ways. She is still a daddies girl but that's just how I love it.
Good luck to all those that are struggling in here. I've been through enough traumatic family shit in my life to know that it is hellish
My boy had a spell of coming home from school very sullen and snappy. It turned out he was getting some grief from a group of boys. Once that was sorted he went back to his usual self.