It is (was) her favourite tree...

LennyLowrent

But one of its branches was leaning on my favourite roof.
She said: 'this branch provides shelter to the honey birds'. I said: 'This roof has provided support for my tv aerial- the dispenser of countless hours of footballing joy from my beloved...'

Conclusion was amicable: 'Don't you dare !!!'
Followed by my manly assurance of : 'you won't notice a thing'.

...I chopped the wrong branch didn't I...
Half the fucking tree is down...
she's back in 4 hours.

Quick, I need a story !
Or an escape plan !!
Or last meal suggestions !!!

Should have gone to work...


Tv aerial is unharmed

Addickted

Should have chosen a decent dealer.

LennyLowrent

Addickted said:

Should have chosen a decent dealer.

I get all my wives from the same dealer and I've had nothing but joy so far thank you very much.

cashncarry

What are honey birds?

LennyLowrent

cashncarry said:

What are honey birds?

I'll ask for you soon if I still have a throat

KiwiValley

If honey birds is another name for honeypots you’ve really cocked up.

LennyLowrent

KiwiValley said:

If honey birds is another name for honeypots you’ve really cocked up.

Lucky for me they're not. They are small local tits

SuedeAdidas

Steady on mate. She’s already going to have the arse about the tree so I wouldn’t compound it by posting personal stuff about her.

Beardface

GlassHalfFull

Should have gone to SpecSavers ....

cafcdave123

Quickly do loads of shit you enjoy but normally get pulled on, she'll be so bothered about the tree you'll get away with the rest

LennyLowrent

I'll never understand why one has to get into such load of shit for dropping the wrong log

3blokes

Lenny, man up mate. When she comes in you say to her So what? I cut the wrong bit of branch and the tree’s fucked. Put the kettle on love, and do me a bacon sarnie, I’m peckish after working on that bloody tree.
No, forget that advice she’ll kill you.
Either start sobbing and blaming the cat as soon as she walks through the door, or move to Siberia. She’s unlikely to come looking for you there

LennyLowrent

Siberia is Benidorm compared with what I'm getting...

SantaClaus

My experience of women is that they have short memories and tend to let stuff like this blow over.

3blokes

Say you called in a tree surgeon, but he really fucked up the tree, and when you refused to pay because it would really upset your partner, the surgeon started getting arsey, and he called her a name. You wouldn’t stand for that, so you hit him, and he left, (looking slightly afraid of you )
Say you’re absolutely distraught for her, and that this should happen on your watch but perhaps the BEST way for you both to get over it and feel okay again is some wild sex in the bedroom.
It may not be great advice, but you have to admire the optimism eh

Stig

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4X_bdJox8w

Beardface

Tell her the branch that's gone was rotten and had to be cut down due to risk of it falling on someone, but as a result you've left the rest of the tree in tact to let it recover.

LennyLowrent

I was mowing the lown as she arrived (great idea hey..?) She looked straight through me (i don't mind that..). I got confident and declared: 'Honey, I saved us the bond !' She turned, gave me a Putin look, uttering : 'no bond is gonna save you'...

(Tv reception's great)

cafcfan

I'm confused. Is "her" in this instance a neighbour or SWMBO?

LennyLowrent

Does it matter who you're not gonna get any from for the forceable..?
It reminds me, I'm representing Tonga in not playing ping pong

LenGlover

Look on the bright side and remember what happened to Rod Hull when he tried fixing his TV aerial problem....