Afternoon all,
My son has been on furlough since the 1st April 2020 and during that time he has also been made redundent. He is 33 and worked hard all his life be it a short one and the effects of sitting at home doing nothing and losing the routine in his life has taken its toll.
He is agitated, anxious, not sleeping very well and completely out of routine.
His live in partner, mum & me have tried to talk to him and advise however we are not experts in this field and whatever we say or do tend to lead up a dead end street.
He has contacted his doctor who said he may as well go straight to MIND as he feels he needs to speak to someone. He has completed the application form and MIND have emailed him back however as you will appriciate in today's times appointments are few and far between.
We have suggested going private and we have offered to pay for the course of treatment however where do you start looking for a therapist covering this area of expertise.
He lives in Bexleyheath so does anyone in this great CL family have any suggestions or recommendations for a good therapist?
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I’m very sorry to hear about your son’s suffering. Sadly it seems almost inevitable that many people will be hit in this way considering the unprecedented difficulties that have landed on many. On a positive note there are two very significant protective factors that your son has in his favour. Firstly, he is willing and able to seek help and has also decided out of the options available which he would like to try first. Secondly, he has you and his mum an his partner all on his side and understanding of the situation he is facing. These two factors will be really useful in him getting through this.
To answer your specific question about recommendations for talking therapy. I am afraid I do not have a particular recommendation, others might but do, but take into account people bond differently with different people and the best therapist for one person m not be suitable for another. You are in my opinion right to consider someone geographically close to him as he will no doubt have a number of sessions and when things are really bad people often find themselves struggling with motivation and a long journey across London for instance could become a barrier to treatment.
I believe the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy have a search on their site to find a registered practitioner, that might be a good place to start.
One last piece of advice I would like to pass on is keep talking if he wants to, but make sure he always knows you are all there for him. And without wanting to scare or worry up you, but if you or others have any immediate concerns about his safety or major mental health concerns please take him to A&E.
Very best of luck
I can confirm we are all talking to him as much as we can however he has told us we are going over the top so it is a fine balance. His partner lives with him so she has the most access however we are mindful she is working full time out of the house so he is alone for long periods. His lack of sleep at night means he gets up late so we are on tenter hooks as to what time to call him etc.
He will not struggle to find another job as he is very well qualified in his line of work however I do not think he is up to an interveiw at this stage meaning he will be out of work longer. The good news is his redundecy package will see him well past christmas finacially so there is no rush although its catch 22 as he will benifit from routine in his life which of course includes working.
sorry to read of this, I can’t even begin to imagine how he is feeling, and how worried you all are.
https://welldoing.org/ is a good website for counselors.
have you tried contacting CALM. https://www.thecalmzone.net/
I’m sure he’s already all over this, but any job may be better than no job, and it can help him keep busy. I lost out on a job at the start of Corona and have subsequently had to take temporary work. It’s not what I want to do, but having something to keep your mind occupied is a good way to help it feel like the situation isn’t going to consume you. My partner also had no job and she spent a fair few months doing nothing. I could see the toll it took on her. She ended up getting work in a pub and although it wasn’t what she wanted to do, it made a difference.
It’s a horrible situation and I really feel for everyone who has been adversely effected. I am sure it will get better and it might not seem like you are making any headway, but I am sure it will come good.
When you say this area of expertise, does he have a specific diagnosis or are you referring to, He is agitated, anxious, not sleeping very well and completely out of routine.
Because a heck of a lot of people will be experiencing this, in this current climate, without it necessarily being unusual.
Just trying to get a bit more clarity.
Another strategy that might be useful now, is seeing if he can get out for some exercise in fresh air everyday there are lots of places around Bexleyheath that will be full of autumn colours and there is a good amount of research that shows spending time in nature can be good for people’s mental health.
Samaritans are your first port of call. They are always available. They can be called on 116-123.
You personally can ring them for advice on your concerns for your son too and they may be able to help speed up the process of setting up a proper therapist.
I know it's a short answer, but may help.
He used to be fun, always going out, enjoy a drink, take care of himself, get things done around the home etc.
Now he is a recluse, hardly speaks, never goes out, lost touch with his mates, badly needs a haircut and beard trim, not touched a drop of booze for two months and does nothing indoors.
I have offered to go to the barbers with him and I am desparetly trying to get him to come fishing with me however its a struggle to get him out the door as he is anxious.
He also suffered from anxiety and read a book called "The Chimps paradox" which gives you a clear idea of how the brain functions and why people get anxious and since he's read that he hasn't had anxiety since.
The changes with Calm and the book were significant, good luck mate.
https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/counselling
They charge counsellors different fees so will have slightly different counsellors on each directory.
These two sites sometimes have counsellors not on the two above.
https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists
https://nationalcounsellingsociety.org/counselling-directory
Most will do a trial at reduced rate, around £20 - to check compatibility. If they don't, I would avoid them.
Good luck.
You should have a designated mental health support line in your area most operate 24/7 ours in Sussex does. They should be able to signpost you to free NHS counselling or therapy that you can self refer too. Here it’s called Time to Talk in West Sussex and Health in Mind in East Sussex and Well-being in Brighton these do operate in other parts of the country. Your help line should be able to advise.
all the best
http://oxleas.nhs.uk/advice-and-guidance/how-to-get-help/how-to-get-help-bexley/
My advice, for what it's worth, is to get an appointment with a Dr that he feels comfortable with speaking to. GPs see this sort of thing the whole time. To them, it's a health concern, like any other.
Perhaps it would also be worth his partner being involved in the conversation.
There are some really good prescription medications that can help alleviate anxiety, agitation, insomnia etc. in a relatively short space of time. (I'm not just talking about Prozac)
Then, once he is hopefully feeling a little better in himself, he may be more receptive to counselling, which can help provide a good long term solution for him.
All the best.
It does an amazing job of getting rid of unwanted emotions. You just have to sit down, listen and follow the instructions.
I came across it around the start of this year after seeing a hypnotherapist for problems with my sleep. I've used it to stop feeling anxious about the night (a vicious cycle as that just made my sleep worse) and things that were bothering me like worrying about our club being thrown out the league. The feelings don't come back, and if they do I probably just need another session or two to get rid of them.
Download here and user reviews - https://www.pstec.org/selfhelp.php#freebie
Why it's better than Mindfulness - https://www.pstec.org/better-than-mindfulness.php
Why it's better than CBT (cognitive behavioural therpay) - https://www.pstec.org/better-than-mindfulness.php
That only has 3 reviews but it has lots more reviews on amazon and elswhere
One of the huge positives in this situation is that he has fantastic ongoing support from his parents and partner. Boosting his delicate ego and morale whenever appropriate will help enormously , albeit not immediately.
My thoughts in addition to finding him suitable counselling/professional support are that he would benefit from a project or a set task ideally using skills he has or would be keen to develop.
This could be something home or garden based or possibly volunteering in the area. When I worked as a Lone Parent Advisor in the Employment Service, I'd refer those returning to work following a long break raising children to the local Volunteer Bureau.
Not only would this provide recent work experience for their CV but also motivation to care for their appearance, ensure they were where they needed to be at certain times etc but also instilled much needed confidence in their abilities.
IF your son drives, the authorities are always looking for volunteers to take the elderly in particular to hospital or doctor's appointments with petrol costs paid. However, there are varied options , I'm sure which would give your lad a reason to get up in the mornings and to take pride in doing something worthwhile at this moment in time.
Please let us know how he goes. And don't underestimate the value of the support and love you give him 24/7.
Not to cause any panic, but if you or your son do become overwhelmed and aren't sure if you are out of your depth, ring the local crisis team.
I have experience in this both professionally and personally.
I will keep you posted.
Mike
My own suggestion would be a blend of professional therapy, informal chats with family and decent mates (which you are doing already), but your son may want to go in another direction (therapy isn't for everyone), so also something or mix of constructive things like;
A course- part time evening in a subject of interest, doesn't have to be work related. Will be online and not too late to enrol as many start in October.
Exercise- at least a regular walk, maybe running/cycling, and/or swimming. Crook log is open and swims can be booked by calling them.
Voluntary work. Sign up as an nhs responder (gets you out of yourself and the app means you make yourself available when you're up to it (shopping for someone sheltering or picking up prescriptions etc), or something else via https://doit.life/
1. I tried to keep in a working routine, by that I still got up with the alarm clock every morning and went for a walk (I would usually have walked to the station and a walk to the office the other end). Usually about 3 miles.
2. I tried to set mini goals for each day, whether that was to check share prices, wash up, hoover, golf, snooker, collect daughter from school, whatever, just a bit of a routine for the day so I don't just mull around and lets the hours pass by with nothing more than looking here! (although I did a bit of that as well......), it almost doesn't matter what it is.
3. Early evening I would again go for a walk (to emulate coming home from work).
So I tried to keep busy, separate leisure time, weekends from week days etc, and also kept in with my work industry to get another job.
What line of work was he in?
Really sorry to hear about your son, my son of 20 lost his job last week, and it was a real bolt from the blue, and kick in the teeth, I wish you well trying to get him the help he needs.
Losing a job at any time is not a good thing, losing a job during Covid conditions is doubly hard, sadly I think there’s going to be a tsunami of job losses coming as furlough comes to an end.
Just a thought, I don’t know if there are too many restrictions on at the moment due to Covid, but could your son contact and help out at his local food bank?