So I have a 16 (in June) yr old lad currently preparing for his GCSEs. I like to think he has been set a good example in life - he has seen where hard work gets you, and generally speaking has seen the benefit of it with a life he is fortunate to have been provided.
So now it comes to his turn to do his best for his future.
And he is doing fuck all.
Trying to get him to revise is a chore. Always ends in arguments. Because frankly he cant be bothered. I tried creating a revision planner and he sits there on his phone looking at shit. Take his phone away and he sits vegging out on the PS5 playing FIFA. I threw that in the bin the other night, and he just heads out the door with his mates.
I try to explain to him how important working hard at school is for his future, and I swear he thinks he is just going to live off me for the rest of his life.
When he is 16 I am sending him out the door to get a part time job, but thats not going to help with the exam problem.
Its a horrible atmosphere at home, the missus always backs him up and goes easy on him, but if he doesnt buck his ideas up his whole future will suffer.
How do you get through to them to try their best? Any tips on how to get past this, as its genuinely driving a wedge between us?
I dont expect him to be Einstein but I am a firm believer that as long as you do your best in life you cant go far wrong. And he isnt doing that. He doesnt give a shit.
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You can't force someone to revise or get a job for that matter.
You could throw them out in due course, but then they are homeless and anything could happen.
I understand your dilemma but can't offer a solution.
Think you and your missus need to agree a common approach. Who pays for his beloved phone? A basic Nokia would mean he could communicate in an emergency without unnecessary extras. A colleague of mine put controls on their internet as his son was staying up all night playing games.
Does he think he will ultimately inherit from you, as you could put some 'conditions' on that? Sadly many of us may need any equity for care anyway, so that isn't even guaranteed - and where would that leave him. I'm sure you (definitely not your wife) would not want to 'ask him to find somewhere else to live' when he is 18, but you could use that as a bargaining point?
Instead of the 'stick' approach, would the carrot one work better? How does he fund anything he does? What about the £5x for a top grade, £4x for the second grade etc help? Is there anyone he would listen to, a beloved grandparent etc?
I expect there are others on here who have/have had similar, so I'm hoping someone has some better advice.
I really hope you can turn around his attitude
When ever I've had trades round to do bits and bobs indoors they never seem to have any youngsters with them learning the job. When I ask why, they say it isn't worth the hassle and they just want to sit in the corner fiddling with their phones!
I've tried to explain to my two that if they actually get off their arse and do something they'll be at a huge advantage because there are seriously so many kids out there that won't.
Bur since you asked a lot of what you have posted isn't actually about him, it's about you.
You've written about your success in life and the example you have set.
You're going to push him out the door at 16 to get a part time job, you wrote his revision plan.
Maybe he "doesn't give a shit" or maybe he's 15 and his coping mechanism to deal with the pressure from school and his dad is to figuratively hide away.
Growing up, having to be tested or as he might see it "judged" is scary
Maybe a less full frontal attack might work. Speak to his teachers, find out how he learns best (we don't all absorb info in the same way) and agree in advance with your wife what you are both going to do so it's a united front.
The other thing I'd suggest is focus on what he has done well and had success in. What has he achieved and how? IE got in a sports team, got badges in scouts, etc. Then reinforce that success.
There is no point telling claus Jensen to get stuck in, you lazy sod, it's not his strength but you can ask him how he mastered free kicks and see if he can use the same method to learn something else.
what has the school said are his expected marks ?
Create a reward scheme for his revision if he shows u he has revised for few hours then he gets a small reward or phone bill paid.
As someone else said they need to want to do it and I think kids of today think they can get money just by doing nothing and on their phones, and although there are a lot more ways to earn these days online you still need some skills and desire to do that and it’s no stable income.
Sit down as a family ask him what he wants to do. If his response is nothing, don’t care, whatever, make it clear if he would be happy on a minimum wage role paying rent to you and unable to go out with friends and on holidays because he couldn’t be bothered to put a few months effort into his future.
sorry can’t be of more help and good luck.
I am definitely taking a look as well as how my pressure on him is being perceived.
Funny enough - Maths is an area that he has responded well to the tutor and when his mocks showed an uplift, we massively praised him and asked him how happy he felt and proud?
Then I took him to Stevenage at the weekend as a well done, so kinda undid all the hard work 😂
Don't think that GCSEs are the be all and end all.
Maybe, gently, dig deeper and ask open questions about "why did the maths go well?" "What was it about the way you learnt that that clicked?"
Let him answer and give him room and time to figure out for himself why rather than offering what you think. You might be right that is was focus, hard work and a good tutor but let him reach that conclusion himself so he owns it.
Another trick is don't tell HIM he's doing welll. Accidently let him overhear you tellling someone else, a relative naybe, what he's done well.
And telll hiim to shape up or he'lll have to watch the Stevenage game on a loop 😉
I would say bribe them with financial rewards for grades but I’m sure you’ve already done that 😂
Just a lived experience as I don't wish to derail the subject.
Thankfully she’s got her mum’s application and not her dad’s (and her intelligence as well)
Offer him 'incentives' (i.e. cash) to revise and perhaps to give up his distracting phone for a while (presumably he has one)
On the very negative side, during a very recent Times Radio (if I remember right) discussion on this topic, it seemed to conclude that a lot of young people have become disenchanted with study and the idea of 'getting a good job or Uni place.'
Fears that AI will usurp human brain power in jobs like banking, accountancy, law and the like, allied to a fear or being stuck in a boring, ill paying drudge job, have (according to the Times pundits) led to widespread problems similar to you and your son's. Aint easy is it ??!!
Just good luck with this, and, easy to say, don't let this situation ruin the relationship between the two of you, there's a long life ahead
Maybe a mix of approaches commonly referred to as 'carrot' and 'stick' is best? Ultimately, in many jobs, you have to get on with things. Exams aren't an ideal system for everyone, but it is the system that is in place. That said, academic qualifications, whilst in many instances are very important, aren't everything. But he'd probably have to have an skill or trade. But if he has academic qualification to fall back on, he at least has the choice. Great that he has ability in Maths, as Maths and English seen as the most important. Without the grades, he may have less choice.
How has he done previously in exams, most recently the mocks?
most exam normally start in June with the odd exam in May.
I had students who told me they hardly revised for gcse and got top grades. They tried the same approach for a levels and failed. Sometimes you have to let them fail/ struggle so that they take ownership
in my experience it’s as much about exam technique like using keywords in your answers and practicing past papers helps with this.
She knew I had a brain, but all I wanted to do was play football, cricket, go to Charlton etc (hadn’t discovered girls yet)
This is mid 1980’s
I did my mock exams - my results were dog shit, because I couldn’t give a shit
She went nuclear
For my CSE’s (yes only Addicks of a certain age will remember them) - she bought a massive length of graph paper (again for oldies) - and wrote out my revision timetable for 3 ish months for my exams across the kitchen cabinets with blue tack - hours per day to revise
We had a dining room (ish) - she cleared the room out - and it had a table and a chair in it after that - I was shut in there to revise - I lasted 2 days of being a knob - got bored - revised
Still working for same bank 37 years later - well paid - good lifestyle - blah blah
Love you Barbara (my Step Mum) - thank you
I appreciate you can’t compare mid 80’s to now
BUT cruel to be kind, in the right measure ………
Not everyone can afford to do it, and some kids just don’t want to learn, I couldn’t wait to get out of school at 16, the hardest bit is to not fall out with them, obviously you want them to do well and not waste their life, some are late bloomers, and others it takes a while to ‘get it’ I’d think at parents evenings the teachers would give you a steer, about how interested your son is in education at the moment, maybe ask the teachers about techniques to get kids interested?
Good luck, it’s certainly not easy bringing kids up.
We instilled into him that exams shouldn’t create the level of stress and anxiety that he was feeling, his health was much more important, we explained that if he didn’t get the grades, there is always the opportunity to do the exam again, it wasn’t a matter of life or death.
He left school with good grades, not A* grades but good. He got a place on a course in college in a subject that was suited to him at the time but even then he struggled, he found the flexibility given to him quite strange to deal with, school was very regimented whereas college was not. We had so many arguments about him going in. It took him a whole year to find his feet, actually, when he passed his driving test his whole attitude changed, he loved to drive and college was a reason to get up and go somewhere. He eventually caught up with his outstanding modules and passed his course.
Now he is 23, he has had a few jobs (a shitty apprenticeship and a trainee role) and now works in insurance in London for a global broker who insure the largest organisations and infrastructure projects in the world, he is well respected and has a real career ahead of him, he earns well and has no university debt behind him, we are very proud.
in summary, I guess what I am saying is that we all want the best for our kids, the time will come when he realises that he needs to get his head down and do something (didn’t happen for me until my late 20s) although that might not be from an academic perspective but I am sure that time will come. There are many routes to being successful, he needs to enjoy the route he takes, will make it less stressful for everyone.
This is just my experience, not necessarily the “answer”
good luck.
A friend of mine is a teacher and said most kids these days when asked what they want to be when they're older, the answer is 'a youtuber'. No doubt without realising that being a successful youtuber usually requires you to put in years of work building a channel without earning money. Even the most successful Youtuber (Mr Beast) did it religiously for at least 5-6 years before he made money, and he was incredibly dedicated and obsessed with it. Hardly any of the kids around today are going to do that, as they'd get bored easily and give up. But they think they'll just start posting stuff and become rich and famous overnight.
That would have been an eye opener!