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Your Letters of Last Resort

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  • Id have thought the wolf from The Three Little Pigs could take care of selhurst easily enough
  • edited September 14
    Retaliate.....needs someone to make a decision without dithering on it, or telling blatant lies.
  • Dear Madam Submarine Commander, 

    In the event of nuclear apocalypse you and your crew are instructed to proceed to the most remote island still habitable and start all over again. Do not fuck it up this time.

    However, this Order is caveated that before proceeding to the aforementioned island you must, be whatever means necessary, confirm the deaths of the following and, if not, complete the task of removing them from any potential future gene pool:

    Nigel Farage
    Donald Trump
    Vladimir Putin
    Anyone else called Trump or Putin
    Boris Johnson
    Stanley Johnson
    Jacob Rees-Mogg
    Any other surviving member of the British Cabinet 2010-2024
    Rupert Murdoch
    Anyone else called Murdoch
    Julia Hartley-Brewer
    Tommy Robinson
    Piers Morgan
    Kelvin Mackenzie
    Anyone who's ever liked anything written by the above
    That bloke behind Mrs Brown's Boys
    Roland Duchâtelet
    Kevin Muscat
    Pepe
    Michael McIntyre
    [See also Appendices A - M for full list of targets]

    Have fun. 

    Yours in hope,

    PM Bournemouth Addick. 




    Rather right leaning execution list there. 

    For balance I'd add.....

    Xi Jinping
    Kim Jong Un
    Jeremy Corbyn
    Mick Lynch
    Tony Blair
    Gordon Brown
    Alistair Campbell 





  • edited September 14
    Dear Madam Submarine Commander, 

    In the event of nuclear apocalypse you and your crew are instructed to proceed to the most remote island still habitable and start all over again. Do not fuck it up this time.

    However, this Order is caveated that before proceeding to the aforementioned island you must, be whatever means necessary, confirm the deaths of the following and, if not, complete the task of removing them from any potential future gene pool:

    Nigel Farage
    Donald Trump
    Vladimir Putin
    Anyone else called Trump or Putin
    Boris Johnson
    Stanley Johnson
    Jacob Rees-Mogg
    Any other surviving member of the British Cabinet 2010-2024
    Rupert Murdoch
    Anyone else called Murdoch
    Julia Hartley-Brewer
    Tommy Robinson
    Piers Morgan
    Kelvin Mackenzie
    Anyone who's ever liked anything written by the above
    That bloke behind Mrs Brown's Boys
    Roland Duchâtelet
    Kevin Muscat
    Pepe
    Michael McIntyre
    [See also Appendices A - M for full list of targets]

    Have fun. 

    Yours in hope,

    PM Bournemouth Addick. 




    Rather right leaning execution list there. 

    For balance I'd add.....

    Xi Jinping
    Kim Jong Un
    Jeremy Corbyn
    Mick Lynch
    Tony Blair
    Gordon Brown
    Alistair Campbell 





    Add TTK, sadiq Khan and JOB to that list.
  • Dear Madam Submarine Commander, 

    In the event of nuclear apocalypse you and your crew are instructed to proceed to the most remote island still habitable and start all over again. Do not fuck it up this time.

    However, this Order is caveated that before proceeding to the aforementioned island you must, be whatever means necessary, confirm the deaths of the following and, if not, complete the task of removing them from any potential future gene pool:

    Nigel Farage
    Donald Trump
    Vladimir Putin
    Anyone else called Trump or Putin
    Boris Johnson
    Stanley Johnson
    Jacob Rees-Mogg
    Any other surviving member of the British Cabinet 2010-2024
    Rupert Murdoch
    Anyone else called Murdoch
    Julia Hartley-Brewer
    Tommy Robinson
    Piers Morgan
    Kelvin Mackenzie
    Anyone who's ever liked anything written by the above
    That bloke behind Mrs Brown's Boys
    Roland Duchâtelet
    Kevin Muscat
    Pepe
    Michael McIntyre
    [See also Appendices A - M for full list of targets]

    Have fun. 

    Yours in hope,

    PM Bournemouth Addick. 




    Rather right leaning execution list there. 

    For balance I'd add.....

    Xi Jinping
    Kim Jong Un
    Jeremy Corbyn
    Mick Lynch
    Tony Blair
    Gordon Brown
    Alistair Campbell 





    What are the chances of Xi Jinping and Kim Jong Un being on holiday in the UK when the strike happened? 

    I'd also add Diane Abbot, Richard Burgon, Clive Lewis, Stewart Lee, Owen Jones, Grace Blakely and Tommy Robinson so that none of them could have any influence in a post apocalyptic Britain. 
  • stonemuse said:
    If the Government has been destroyed, who holds the letters? Who sends them? 

    Furthermore, it is likely that all communication methods would be down, so how are they sent? 

    Or are they already with the submarines? Big risk if the subs are damaged or captured. 
    They're held on the submarines. The idea is to prevent a hostile power calculating that if they take out Westminster in a surprise attack we'll be unable to retaliate because we'll have no-one left to give the order.

    I'm not sure it matters too much what the instructions actually say, as long as no-one knows, so an enemy knows there's a chance that the instruction will be to blow their capital city to bits in retaliation. Which is intended to discourage them from attacking.

    I've never been in favour of nuclear weapons, but I've been thinking again in the last couple of years given that the only country we know of that has had nuclear weapons and has voluntarily decommissioned them is Ukraine. And look what's happened to them. 
  • I'd retaliate just so the rest of the world doesn't have to deal with whatever pariah state fired them at us. 
  • edited September 14
    Stig said:
    se9addick said:
    Can you imagine what Liz Truss’ letter said …!
    "You've never had it so good"... and something about cheese.
    And Pork Markets :)
  • Retaliate against who?

    If the subs are isolated and the chain of command above them has been wiped out, how do they know who to launch against?
  • Fire all the nukes at the Arctic and Antarctica so we will take everyone else down with us. 
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  • I am waiting to be accused of politicising this thread.
  • seth plum said:
    Thanks for the bump. Its creeping ever closer to a million views now.
  • Reminds of the film War Games that come out mid 80's.

    A computer took over from the military in missile silos as the men pushing the button couldn't be trusted to do the job when the time came.

    Computer had dozens & dozens of "war games" programmed in but once again when the time came the computer wouldn't launch the missiles either because after it ran the games over & over it realised that everyone would nuke everyone else until there was total destruction. 
  • Stig said:
    se9addick said:
    Can you imagine what Liz Truss’ letter said …!
    "You've never had it so good"... and something about cheese.
    "Nuke the pork markets"
  • The main question you have to consider when thinking about what to write is this: under what circumstances is it better to fire nuclear-powered weapons of mass destruction than not to do so? 
  • se9addick said:
    Can you imagine what Liz Truss’ letter said …!
    “Can I have two extra pints of semi skimmed on Monday please” meanwhile her milkman received instructions to nuke the rest of the world..
  • Off_it said:
    Retaliate against who?

    If the subs are isolated and the chain of command above them has been wiped out, how do they know who to launch against?
    If there's any doubt nuke the French.
  • se9addick said:
    Can you imagine what Liz Truss’ letter said …!
    You don’t have to imagine. She put it on her Instagram stories 🤷🏻‍♂️
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  • Off_it said:
    Retaliate against who?

    If the subs are isolated and the chain of command above them has been wiped out, how do they know who to launch against?
    If there's any doubt nuke the French.
    Even if theres doubt, nuke the French.  Some of theirs are probably pointing at us.
  • "...oh, and one last thing. Don't look at your pager" 
  • Wear sunscreen
  • Diane Abbott said that if Russia dropped 2 Nukes, and the Yanks also dropped 2, The UK would drop its own to make it 6 dropped in total 
  • Dear Madam Submarine Commander, 

    In the event of nuclear apocalypse you and your crew are instructed to proceed to the most remote island still habitable and start all over again. Do not fuck it up this time.

    However, this Order is caveated that before proceeding to the aforementioned island you must, be whatever means necessary, confirm the deaths of the following and, if not, complete the task of removing them from any potential future gene pool:

    Nigel Farage
    Donald Trump
    Vladimir Putin
    Anyone else called Trump or Putin
    Boris Johnson
    Stanley Johnson
    Jacob Rees-Mogg
    Any other surviving member of the British Cabinet 2010-2024
    Rupert Murdoch
    Anyone else called Murdoch
    Julia Hartley-Brewer
    Tommy Robinson
    Piers Morgan
    Kelvin Mackenzie
    Anyone who's ever liked anything written by the above
    That bloke behind Mrs Brown's Boys
    Roland Duchâtelet
    Kevin Muscat
    Pepe
    Michael McIntyre
    [See also Appendices A - M for full list of targets]

    Have fun. 

    Yours in hope,

    PM Bournemouth Addick. 




    Rather right leaning execution list there. 

    For balance I'd add.....

    Xi Jinping
    Kim Jong Un
    Jeremy Corbyn
    Mick Lynch
    Tony Blair
    Gordon Brown
    Alistair Campbell 





    I would add Netanyahu.....because the fcuker will keep bombing even though there is nothing left to bomb
  • Pause my Strava
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Roland Out Forever!