LYING AROUND, PONDERING THE PROBLEMS OF THE WORLD, I REALISED THAT AT MY AGE I DON'T REALLY GIVE A RAT'S ASS ANY MORE.
IF WALKING IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH, THE POSTMAN WOULD BE IMMORTAL. A WHALE SWIMS ALL DAY, ONLY EATS FISH, AND DRINKS WATER, BUT IS STILL FAT. A RABBIT RUNS AND HOPS AND ONLY LIVES 15 YEARS, WHILE A TORTOISE DOESN'T RUN AND DOES MOSTLY NOTHING, YET IT LIVES FOR 150 YEARS. AND THEY TELL US TO EXERCISE? I DON'T THINK SO.
NOW THAT I'M OLDER, HERE'S WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED:
1. I STARTED OUT WITH NOTHING, AND I STILL HAVE MOST OF IT.
2. MY WILD OATS ARE MOSTLY ENJOYED WITH PRUNES AND ALL-BRAN.
3. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.
4. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.
5. IF ALL IS NOT LOST, THEN WHERE THE HECK IS IT?
6. IT WAS A WHOLE LOT EASIER TO GET OLDER THAN IT WAS TO GET WISER.
7. SOME DAYS, YOU'RE THE TOP DOG, SOME DAYS YOU'RE THE LAMPPOST.
8. I WISH THE BUCK REALLY DID STOP HERE, I SURE COULD USE A FEW OF THEM.
9. KIDS IN THE BACK SEAT CAUSE ACCIDENTS.
10. ACCIDENTS IN THE BACK SEAT CAUSE KIDS.
11. IT IS HARD TO MAKE A COMEBACK WHEN YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ANYWHERE.
12. THE WORLD ONLY BEATS A PATH TO YOUR DOOR WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM.
13. IF GOD WANTED ME TO TOUCH MY TOES, HE'D HAVE PUT THEM ON MY KNEES.
14. WHEN I'M FINALLY HOLDING ALL THE RIGHT CARDS, EVERYONE WANTS TO PLAY CHESS.
15. IT IS NOT HARD TO MEET EXPENSES. THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.
16. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RUT AND A GRAVE IS THE DEPTH.
17. THESE DAYS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT THE HEREAFTER. I GO SOMEWHERE TO GET SOMETHING, AND THEN WONDER WHAT I'M "HERE AFTER".
18. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.
19. IT IS A LOT BETTER TO BE SEEN THAN VIEWED.
20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE? OR DID I GET IT FROM YOU?
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork? The rabbi responded, Yes, that is still one of our laws. The priest then asked, Have you ever eaten pork? To which the rabbi replied, Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich. The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate? " The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith" The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Better than a ham sandwich, isn't it?"
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead". "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .." "My prize thoroughbred is dead?" "Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Bob."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Bob .." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft." There follows a long silence and then..... "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in BIG Trouble......"
Robbie was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, "Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "Well, Robbie, it's called sexual intercourse."
"Oh", Little Robbie said, "Okay," and went back outside to continue playing with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you."
Comments
She keeps leaving the toilet seat up!
Orchestral?
No, a blackbird.
I hear the man who created Predictive text has died
restaurant in peace
(as someone posted on here several hundred pages ago)
Amblyopsidae, or blindfish, commonly found in caves where they are well adapted to life in the dark.
I'm going away for three days.
No, just hanging around.
I'm sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven't hidden.
"We are arresting you for being a spy" said the agent.
"But I'm not a spy. I'm a shepherd" said the astonished Russian.
"OK then. I'm arresting you for being a shepherd spy" said the agent.
IF WALKING IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH, THE POSTMAN WOULD BE IMMORTAL. A WHALE SWIMS ALL DAY, ONLY EATS FISH, AND DRINKS WATER, BUT IS STILL FAT. A RABBIT RUNS AND HOPS AND ONLY LIVES 15 YEARS, WHILE A TORTOISE DOESN'T RUN AND DOES MOSTLY NOTHING, YET IT LIVES FOR 150 YEARS. AND THEY TELL US TO EXERCISE? I DON'T THINK SO.
NOW THAT I'M OLDER, HERE'S WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED:
1. I STARTED OUT WITH NOTHING, AND I STILL HAVE MOST OF IT.
2. MY WILD OATS ARE MOSTLY ENJOYED WITH PRUNES AND ALL-BRAN.
3. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.
4. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.
5. IF ALL IS NOT LOST, THEN WHERE THE HECK IS IT?
6. IT WAS A WHOLE LOT EASIER TO GET OLDER THAN IT WAS TO GET WISER.
7. SOME DAYS, YOU'RE THE TOP DOG, SOME DAYS YOU'RE THE LAMPPOST.
8. I WISH THE BUCK REALLY DID STOP HERE, I SURE COULD USE A FEW OF THEM.
9. KIDS IN THE BACK SEAT CAUSE ACCIDENTS.
10. ACCIDENTS IN THE BACK SEAT CAUSE KIDS.
11. IT IS HARD TO MAKE A COMEBACK WHEN YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ANYWHERE.
12. THE WORLD ONLY BEATS A PATH TO YOUR DOOR WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM.
13. IF GOD WANTED ME TO TOUCH MY TOES, HE'D HAVE PUT THEM ON MY KNEES.
14. WHEN I'M FINALLY HOLDING ALL THE RIGHT CARDS, EVERYONE WANTS TO PLAY CHESS.
15. IT IS NOT HARD TO MEET EXPENSES. THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.
16. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RUT AND A GRAVE IS THE DEPTH.
17. THESE DAYS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT THE HEREAFTER. I GO SOMEWHERE TO GET SOMETHING, AND THEN WONDER WHAT I'M "HERE AFTER".
18. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.
19. IT IS A LOT BETTER TO BE SEEN THAN VIEWED.
20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE? OR DID I GET IT FROM YOU?
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?
The rabbi responded, Yes, that is still one of our laws.
The priest then asked, Have you ever eaten pork?
To which the rabbi replied,
Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,
"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate? "
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith"
The rabbi then asked him,
"Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied,
"Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said,
"Better than a ham sandwich, isn't it?"
Or is that the joke? I can't tell any more. What's going on?
I gave them money for muffin, got my chips for free.
'For cough?' he said
'Alright mate I only asked!'
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Bob."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Bob .."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
There follows a long silence and then.....
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in BIG Trouble......"
Trombones.
Long may he rest in piss.
Robbie was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, "Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "Well, Robbie, it's called sexual intercourse."
"Oh", Little Robbie said, "Okay," and went back outside to continue playing with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you."
A: HAAAND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYE
A: HEN TAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYE
HAAAAIAAAI UNDAAAAAEEEEIIIIAAAAAA