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Silly Things People Say!

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  • Stig
    Stig Posts: 29,029
    Me: Right, I'm off to football.
    Mother in Law: OK, I hope you score lots of goals.
    Me: That's not very likely.
    MiL: Oh, why's that?
    Me: I'm a defender.
    MiL: Well, I hope you don't fall over then.
  • i_b_b_o_r_g
    i_b_b_o_r_g Posts: 18,948
    Mil: Hello
    Me: Fuck off
  • Wheresmeticket
    Wheresmeticket Posts: 17,304
    I was on the sofa watching football when she got back from work.

    "Get a fucking job you lazy piece of shit" she said.

    How I laughed.
  • Stig
    Stig Posts: 29,029
    Another mother-in-law one.

    Quiz question: Whose catchphrase is, "What's up doc"? 
    Answer: Doc Martin
  • i_b_b_o_r_g
    i_b_b_o_r_g Posts: 18,948
    A client of mine is is convinced that, after Brexit, as a British passport holder she will have to through the "Non-EU" side when returning to the UK! 
  • cafcdave123
    cafcdave123 Posts: 11,491
    A client of mine is is convinced that, after Brexit, as a British passport holder she will have to through the "Non-EU" side when returning to the UK! 
    Depending on how long she will be a client, you should make loads of stuff up like how she will need a holiday visa when visiting the uk
  • bolloxbolder
    bolloxbolder Posts: 7,964
    My dear old mum's suggested solution to climate change is to ban carbon emissions.
  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 15,794
    DA9 said:
    Another classic from my gf, years ago shopping in the old co-op in Dartford town centre, Me: can you grab some of those carrots please? Her: what, the orange ones? Woman in the same aisle gave me a sympathetic look
    Carrots naturally come in all kinds of colours (http://www.carrotmuseum.co.uk/carrotcolours.html), they've been selectively breed to be mainly orange.

    DA9 0 - gf 1
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  • i_b_b_o_r_g
    i_b_b_o_r_g Posts: 18,948
    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "They scored??"

    Me - "No, streams gone down"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "Stream gone down??"

    Me - "No, they scored"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "They scored??"

    Me - "No, streams gone down"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "Stream gone down??"

    Me - "No, they scored"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "They scored??"

    Me - "No, streams gone down"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "Stream gone down??"

    Me - "No, they scored"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "They scored??"

    Me - "No, streams gone down"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "Stream gone down??"

    Me - "No, they scored"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "They scored??"

    Me - "No, streams gone down"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "Stream gone down??"

    Me - "No, they scored"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "They scored??"

    Me - "No, streams gone down"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "Stream gone down??"

    Me - "No, they scored"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "They scored??"

    Me - "No, streams gone down"
  • Stu_of_Kunming
    Stu_of_Kunming Posts: 17,118
    Rob's Mrs: We gotta upgrade tinternet.
  • i_b_b_o_r_g
    i_b_b_o_r_g Posts: 18,948
    Rob's Mrs: We gotta upgrade tinternet.
    Me - "Don't be silly Candypants, we live in France. ISIS get a better service from a cave in the middle of Hindu Kush"
  • i_b_b_o_r_g
    i_b_b_o_r_g Posts: 18,948
    Me - Did you hear about that stow away falling from under the plane and landing in a garden?
    Mrs - How did he fall from under a plane??
    Me - He was in the landing gear compartment. 
    Mrs - Why was he in there?
    Me (getting frustrated now) - Because he obviously travelled over in there.
    Mrs (trying to explain why she's so confused) - I always thought the wheels come down automatically!!!
    Me - HE WAS A STOW AWAY!!!
    Hee - WHATS A STOW AWAY??
  • DaveMehmet
    DaveMehmet Posts: 21,601
    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "They scored??"

    Me - "No, streams gone down"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "Stream gone down??"

    Me - "No, they scored"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "They scored??"

    Me - "No, streams gone down"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "Stream gone down??"

    Me - "No, they scored"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "They scored??"

    Me - "No, streams gone down"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "Stream gone down??"

    Me - "No, they scored"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "They scored??"

    Me - "No, streams gone down"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "Stream gone down??"

    Me - "No, they scored"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "They scored??"

    Me - "No, streams gone down"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "Stream gone down??"

    Me - "No, they scored"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "They scored??"

    Me - "No, streams gone down"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "Stream gone down??"

    Me - "No, they scored"


    Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"

    Mrs - "They scored??"

    Me - "No, streams gone down"

    Is Streams the name of your dog?
  • charente addick
    charente addick Posts: 3,810
    On a visit to New York and we take in a Yankees game. So we’re on the subway and it’s jam packed with fans mainly kitted out with baseball paraphernalia. We get to a station and literally everyone on the train piles off so I follow them. Wife looks panicky and shouts at me ‘how do you know know this is the right station to get off?!’
  • guinnessaddick
    guinnessaddick Posts: 28,646
    Rob's Mrs: We gotta upgrade tinternet.
    Rob’s reply, I’ll look into it.
  • lordromford
    lordromford Posts: 7,788
    On a visit to New York and we take in a Yankees game. So we’re on the subway and it’s jam packed with fans mainly kitted out with baseball paraphernalia. We get to a station and literally everyone on the train piles off so I follow them. Wife looks panicky and shouts at me ‘how do you know know this is the right station to get off?!’
    Just reminded me...
    went to a game between Washington Nationals and Miami Marlins a month or so ago and was on the metro heading to the game when three girls got on. They looked around at all the fans and were having a discussion along the lines of ‘Oh, I think there must be a ball game today’, then one of them looked at my Nats hat and asked if I was going to the game. I said yes, to which she asked:
    ”What does the ‘W’ stand for?”
    My ten year old daughter started pissing herself laughing, as did the girl’s mates. She went as red as my cap as the penny dropped. I didn’t answer her question, just smiled at her.
    Daft sod.

  • Rizzo
    Rizzo Posts: 6,435
    Me to my friend's daughter: You seem to be wearing sunglasses. Indoors. At night.
    Friend's daughter: Yeah, it was raining outside.
  • "Please can (sic) I have two gin and tonics, but one with lemonade and one with tonic" 

    Fucking hell. 
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  • Chunes
    Chunes Posts: 17,349
    Me - Did you hear about that stow away falling from under the plane and landing in a garden?
    Mrs - How did he fall from under a plane??
    Me - He was in the landing gear compartment. 
    Mrs - Why was he in there?
    Me (getting frustrated now) - Because he obviously travelled over in there.
    Mrs (trying to explain why she's so confused) - I always thought the wheels come down automatically!!!
    Me - HE WAS A STOW AWAY!!!
    Hee - WHATS A STOW AWAY??
    I've stopped telling my wife stories for this exact reason.
  • Covered End
    Covered End Posts: 52,013
    A group of us are in the pub. The wife asks for £20 for the whip, which I hand over.
    15 mins later she orders some food at the bar and comes back with a bottle of wine as well.
    I enquire why she has just paid for a bottle of wine, when we just put into the whip.
    Oh I forgot she says.
  • addick05
    addick05 Posts: 2,348
    A group of us are in the pub. The wife asks for £20 for the whip, which I hand over.
    15 mins later she orders some food at the bar and comes back with a bottle of wine as well.
    I enquire why she has just paid for a bottle of wine, when we just put into the whip.
    Oh I forgot she says.

    Last time my wife went to the bar she paid with a white fiver!
  • SuedeAdidas
    SuedeAdidas Posts: 7,743
    A group of us are in the pub. The wife asks for £20 for the whip, which I hand over.
    15 mins later she orders some food at the bar and comes back with a bottle of wine as well.
    I enquire why she has just paid for a bottle of wine, when we just put into the whip.
    Oh I forgot she says.
    Surely ordering a bottle of wine would be whip abuse?!?
  • Covered End
    Covered End Posts: 52,013
    A group of us are in the pub. The wife asks for £20 for the whip, which I hand over.
    15 mins later she orders some food at the bar and comes back with a bottle of wine as well.
    I enquire why she has just paid for a bottle of wine, when we just put into the whip.
    Oh I forgot she says.
    Surely ordering a bottle of wine would be whip abuse?!?
    No, she/I paid for it as well as having just put £20 in the whip.
    PS it's the first time I can remember her going to the bar (and will be the last).
  • SuedeAdidas
    SuedeAdidas Posts: 7,743
    A group of us are in the pub. The wife asks for £20 for the whip, which I hand over.
    15 mins later she orders some food at the bar and comes back with a bottle of wine as well.
    I enquire why she has just paid for a bottle of wine, when we just put into the whip.
    Oh I forgot she says.
    Surely ordering a bottle of wine would be whip abuse?!?
    No, she/I paid for it as well as having just put £20 in the whip.
    PS it's the first time I can remember her going to the bar (and will be the last).
    Gotcha.....so you’re saying she shouldn’t have put £20 in the whip. 

    I thought you were suggesting that she should have got a bottle of wine from the whip. 
  • Chunes
    Chunes Posts: 17,349
    edited August 2019
    This just happened...

    Me: "Look at my skin. Look how clear it is. That's just five days without alcohol."

    Wife: "... You used to put alcohol on your face?"
  • I’m sure my missus thinks in very short unconnected bursts. Hardly ever in a straight line. I have multiple Jim Royal looks directed at her every day.
  • Stig
    Stig Posts: 29,029
    Faultless logic from Mrs Stig 

    Me (solemly): Tim Brooke-Taylor has died of Corona Virus. 
    MS (excitedly): I knew it! I told you didn't I, they always go in threes.
    Me: What's the link between Tim Brooke-Taylor and Stirling Moss then?
    MS: Kenny Rogers!