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Silly Things People Say!
Comments
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Me: Right, I'm off to football.
Mother in Law: OK, I hope you score lots of goals.
Me: That's not very likely.
MiL: Oh, why's that?
Me: I'm a defender.
MiL: Well, I hope you don't fall over then.18 -
Mil: Hello
Me: Fuck off14 -
Put her to bed pissed the other night. Settled down then heard her say 'kill the fucking kittens' in her sleep. She worries me.
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Another classic from 'er indoors!
Her:- ''I'm going to water the garden before it rains''
Me:- ''Why would you want to do that then?''
Her:- ''Cos I don't want to get wet!''
You couldn't make it up!26 -
I was on the sofa watching football when she got back from work.
"Get a fucking job you lazy piece of shit" she said.
How I laughed.1 -
Another mother-in-law one.
Quiz question: Whose catchphrase is, "What's up doc"?
Answer: Doc Martin6 -
A client of mine is is convinced that, after Brexit, as a British passport holder she will have to through the "Non-EU" side when returning to the UK!0
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Depending on how long she will be a client, you should make loads of stuff up like how she will need a holiday visa when visiting the uki_b_b_o_r_g said:A client of mine is is convinced that, after Brexit, as a British passport holder she will have to through the "Non-EU" side when returning to the UK!1 -
My dear old mum's suggested solution to climate change is to ban carbon emissions.0
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Carrots naturally come in all kinds of colours (http://www.carrotmuseum.co.uk/carrotcolours.html), they've been selectively breed to be mainly orange.DA9 said:Another classic from my gf, years ago shopping in the old co-op in Dartford town centre, Me: can you grab some of those carrots please? Her: what, the orange ones? Woman in the same aisle gave me a sympathetic look
DA9 0 - gf 13 -
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Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "They scored??"
Me - "No, streams gone down"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "Stream gone down??"
Me - "No, they scored"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "They scored??"
Me - "No, streams gone down"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "Stream gone down??"
Me - "No, they scored"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "They scored??"
Me - "No, streams gone down"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "Stream gone down??"
Me - "No, they scored"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "They scored??"
Me - "No, streams gone down"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "Stream gone down??"
Me - "No, they scored"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "They scored??"
Me - "No, streams gone down"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "Stream gone down??"
Me - "No, they scored"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "They scored??"
Me - "No, streams gone down"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "Stream gone down??"
Me - "No, they scored"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "They scored??"
Me - "No, streams gone down"
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Rob's Mrs: We gotta upgrade tinternet.3
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Me - "Don't be silly Candypants, we live in France. ISIS get a better service from a cave in the middle of Hindu Kush"Stu_of_Kunming said:Rob's Mrs: We gotta upgrade tinternet.1 -
Me - Did you hear about that stow away falling from under the plane and landing in a garden?
Mrs - How did he fall from under a plane??
Me - He was in the landing gear compartment.
Mrs - Why was he in there?
Me (getting frustrated now) - Because he obviously travelled over in there.
Mrs (trying to explain why she's so confused) - I always thought the wheels come down automatically!!!
Me - HE WAS A STOW AWAY!!!
Hee - WHATS A STOW AWAY??
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i_b_b_o_r_g said:Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "They scored??"
Me - "No, streams gone down"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "Stream gone down??"
Me - "No, they scored"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "They scored??"
Me - "No, streams gone down"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "Stream gone down??"
Me - "No, they scored"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "They scored??"
Me - "No, streams gone down"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "Stream gone down??"
Me - "No, they scored"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "They scored??"
Me - "No, streams gone down"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "Stream gone down??"
Me - "No, they scored"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "They scored??"
Me - "No, streams gone down"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "Stream gone down??"
Me - "No, they scored"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "They scored??"
Me - "No, streams gone down"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "Stream gone down??"
Me - "No, they scored"
Me - "Oh for f**k sake!"
Mrs - "They scored??"
Me - "No, streams gone down"
Is Streams the name of your dog?2 -
On a visit to New York and we take in a Yankees game. So we’re on the subway and it’s jam packed with fans mainly kitted out with baseball paraphernalia. We get to a station and literally everyone on the train piles off so I follow them. Wife looks panicky and shouts at me ‘how do you know know this is the right station to get off?!’9
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Rob’s reply, I’ll look into it.Stu_of_Kunming said:Rob's Mrs: We gotta upgrade tinternet.1 -
Just reminded me...charente addick said:On a visit to New York and we take in a Yankees game. So we’re on the subway and it’s jam packed with fans mainly kitted out with baseball paraphernalia. We get to a station and literally everyone on the train piles off so I follow them. Wife looks panicky and shouts at me ‘how do you know know this is the right station to get off?!’
went to a game between Washington Nationals and Miami Marlins a month or so ago and was on the metro heading to the game when three girls got on. They looked around at all the fans and were having a discussion along the lines of ‘Oh, I think there must be a ball game today’, then one of them looked at my Nats hat and asked if I was going to the game. I said yes, to which she asked:
”What does the ‘W’ stand for?”
My ten year old daughter started pissing herself laughing, as did the girl’s mates. She went as red as my cap as the penny dropped. I didn’t answer her question, just smiled at her.
Daft sod.
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Me to my friend's daughter: You seem to be wearing sunglasses. Indoors. At night.Friend's daughter: Yeah, it was raining outside.5
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"Please can (sic) I have two gin and tonics, but one with lemonade and one with tonic"
Fucking hell.
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I've stopped telling my wife stories for this exact reason.i_b_b_o_r_g said:Me - Did you hear about that stow away falling from under the plane and landing in a garden?
Mrs - How did he fall from under a plane??
Me - He was in the landing gear compartment.
Mrs - Why was he in there?
Me (getting frustrated now) - Because he obviously travelled over in there.
Mrs (trying to explain why she's so confused) - I always thought the wheels come down automatically!!!
Me - HE WAS A STOW AWAY!!!
Hee - WHATS A STOW AWAY??1 -
A group of us are in the pub. The wife asks for £20 for the whip, which I hand over.
15 mins later she orders some food at the bar and comes back with a bottle of wine as well.
I enquire why she has just paid for a bottle of wine, when we just put into the whip.
Oh I forgot she says.1 -
Covered End said:A group of us are in the pub. The wife asks for £20 for the whip, which I hand over.
15 mins later she orders some food at the bar and comes back with a bottle of wine as well.
I enquire why she has just paid for a bottle of wine, when we just put into the whip.
Oh I forgot she says.
Last time my wife went to the bar she paid with a white fiver!4 -
Surely ordering a bottle of wine would be whip abuse?!?Covered End said:A group of us are in the pub. The wife asks for £20 for the whip, which I hand over.
15 mins later she orders some food at the bar and comes back with a bottle of wine as well.
I enquire why she has just paid for a bottle of wine, when we just put into the whip.
Oh I forgot she says.5 -
No, she/I paid for it as well as having just put £20 in the whip.SuedeAdidas said:
Surely ordering a bottle of wine would be whip abuse?!?Covered End said:A group of us are in the pub. The wife asks for £20 for the whip, which I hand over.
15 mins later she orders some food at the bar and comes back with a bottle of wine as well.
I enquire why she has just paid for a bottle of wine, when we just put into the whip.
Oh I forgot she says.
PS it's the first time I can remember her going to the bar (and will be the last).0 -
Gotcha.....so you’re saying she shouldn’t have put £20 in the whip.Covered End said:
No, she/I paid for it as well as having just put £20 in the whip.SuedeAdidas said:
Surely ordering a bottle of wine would be whip abuse?!?Covered End said:A group of us are in the pub. The wife asks for £20 for the whip, which I hand over.
15 mins later she orders some food at the bar and comes back with a bottle of wine as well.
I enquire why she has just paid for a bottle of wine, when we just put into the whip.
Oh I forgot she says.
PS it's the first time I can remember her going to the bar (and will be the last).
I thought you were suggesting that she should have got a bottle of wine from the whip.2 -
This just happened...
Me: "Look at my skin. Look how clear it is. That's just five days without alcohol."
Wife: "... You used to put alcohol on your face?"14 -
Mrs - "How are you getting on?"
Me - "Just plodding on"
Mrs - Has anyone called"
Me - "No"
Mrs - "Are you board?"
Me - "A little bit"
Mrs - "Why don't you start using the excercise bike and weights?"
Me - What, for 12 weeks? I'll end up looking like Johnny Bravo!"
Mrs - *Laughing for about 2 minutes solid*
Me - "Do you know who that even is?"
Mrs - "No"20 -
I’m sure my missus thinks in very short unconnected bursts. Hardly ever in a straight line. I have multiple Jim Royal looks directed at her every day.0
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Faultless logic from Mrs Stig
Me (solemly): Tim Brooke-Taylor has died of Corona Virus.
MS (excitedly): I knew it! I told you didn't I, they always go in threes.
Me: What's the link between Tim Brooke-Taylor and Stirling Moss then?
MS: Kenny Rogers!8
