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Has the Jokes thread disappeared?

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  • jose
    jose Posts: 1,355
    Schrodinger took his cat to the Vet.
    The Vet said 'I have good news, and bad news'.
  • jose
    jose Posts: 1,355
    edited May 20
    Schrodinger's cat recently went on a crime spree.
    He's wanted dead and alive.
  • jose
    jose Posts: 1,355
    I feel bad for Schrodinger's cat, but at the same time I don't.
  • jose
    jose Posts: 1,355
    What is your spy name?
    Your first name, followed by a brief pause then your first and last name.
  • GNelson
    GNelson Posts: 571
    jose said:
    What is your spy name?
    Your first name, followed by a brief pause then your first and last name.
    James... James Bond
  • MrOneLung
    MrOneLung Posts: 27,674
    GNelson said:
    jose said:
    What is your spy name?
    Your first name, followed by a brief pause then your first and last name.
    James... James Bond
    thats. the. joke....
  • Chizz
    Chizz Posts: 28,633
    MrOneLung said:
    GNelson said:
    jose said:
    What is your spy name?
    Your first name, followed by a brief pause then your first and last name.
    James... James Bond
    thats. the. joke....
    Last name, followed by a brief pause then your first and last name. 
  • Raith_C_Chattonell
    Raith_C_Chattonell Posts: 5,991
    Air pressure checks used to be free, now they cost a pound - that's inflation for you. 
  • thai malaysia addick
    thai malaysia addick Posts: 18,965
    edited May 23
    The early steelworkers in Sheffield used to have to take the steel to market to sell. Indeed, who ever smelt it, dealt it.
  • _MrDick
    _MrDick Posts: 13,268
    I learnt two very interesting things last night:

    1. I'm not very good on the drums.

    2. The bloke who lives in the flat above me has Tourette's.

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  • jose
    jose Posts: 1,355
    A man walking deep in the woods asked a stranger ‘Have you seen any ghosts around here?’
    Stranger, ‘Dunno mate, I only died yesterday’.
  • iainment
    iainment Posts: 8,232
    Bar fly to friend. What do you look for in a woman?

    Friend. Low standards.
  • cafcfan
    cafcfan Posts: 11,356
    Sir Keir Starmer has pleaded with members of the public to stay indoors during this heatwave.
    He is worried that if the beaches are crowded there will be no space for new arrivals.
  • thai malaysia addick
    thai malaysia addick Posts: 18,965
    Was in garden yesterday and my neighbour asked me what I was doing? I said, “I’m rearranging all of my plants into alphabetical order” 
    He replied, “how do you find the time?” I said it’s right next to the sage
  • jose
    jose Posts: 1,355
    I've just been watching a pirated film. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.1415926535.
  • gringo
    gringo Posts: 1,073
    jose said:
    I've just been watching a pirated film. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.1415926535.
    was it rated R?
  • jose
    jose Posts: 1,355
    I went to a cafe that said it served breakfast any time.
    So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
  • Stig
    Stig Posts: 29,773
    I'm disappointed not to see a lot of West Ham relegation memes on here this morning. I guess it was too predictable to be funny.

    That's not a joke, it's a true story. 
  • liamhappe
    liamhappe Posts: 344
    Stig said:
    I'm disappointed not to see a lot of West Ham relegation memes on here this morning. I guess it was too predictable to be funny.

    That's not a joke, it's a true story. 
    Only decent one I've seen so far is about how West Ham v Millwall is set to be football's first 8am live televised kickoff
  • thai malaysia addick
    thai malaysia addick Posts: 18,965
    Stig said:
    I'm disappointed not to see a lot of West Ham relegation memes on here this morning. I guess it was too predictable to be funny.

    That's not a joke, it's a true story. 
    What's the difference between my toolbox and the Premier League?

    My toolbox will still have hammers in it in August.

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  • Stig
    Stig Posts: 29,773

  • iaitch
    iaitch Posts: 10,637
    Reminds me of a view I had from the Shed end at Chelsea when they still had the dog track. We won 1-0, Robert Lee scored I think, John Macdonald made his debut,
  • CharltonKerry
    CharltonKerry Posts: 3,042

  • AddicksAddict
    AddicksAddict Posts: 16,401
    Some bloke said to me "Thou canst spelle wyrds howevere thou liekest alraedye if thou isntst a courweurde.

    I said "Oh, so that's how we got French".
  • _MrDick
    _MrDick Posts: 13,268
    Three golf clubs walk into a bar,

    the 7 iron orders a pint, the putter orders a pint & the 3rd club orders a water, the barman asked 

    “why are you ordering water?” 

    The club said 

    “I’m the driver”
  • Peter_G
    Peter_G Posts: 957
    Just want to say a massive thank you to the NHS! 
    They were excellent removing a mole from my arse yesterday... 

    Unlike the RSPCA who said they will prosecute me if I do it again.
  • thai malaysia addick
    thai malaysia addick Posts: 18,965
    I’ve decided I need to be more humble and less condescending. I’ve made this decision because I am always right and, by the way, condescending means talking down to people.
  • _MrDick
    _MrDick Posts: 13,268
    I used to go out with an inflatable doll but when I decided to call it a day, I had to let her down gently.
  • jose
    jose Posts: 1,355
    I don’t like it when my wife has a go at me for being lazy.
    It’s not like I did anything.
  • jose
    jose Posts: 1,355
    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    To
    To who?
    To whom you Wally.

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