Has the Jokes thread disappeared?

AddicksAddict

MrWalker said:

AddicksAddict said:

Swindon_Addick said:

AddicksAddict said:

Not so much a joke, more it raises the question of how did we lose a war to this lot?

Has to be satire, surely? Someone sending up the tendency of people who describe themselves as Christians following Trump despite him contradicting everything the Bible tells people to do? It's a reference to the Bible text about people resorting to worshipping a statue while they were wandering in the desert after leaving Egypt. (This didn't end well for them, but it's assumed that most of these "evangelicals" haven't read enough of the Bible to know that.)

I’m not sure Americans do satire. Alanis Morissette (US citizen since 2005) can’t even do irony. 

I don’t know. She did a couple of my shirts very well when I stayed over

I know the meaning of irony - nickel is more irony than copper.

AddicksAddict

cafcfan said:

You can now get a knock-off Henry vacuum cleaner imported from Turkey.

@cafcfan, could you explain, please?

AddicksAddict

iaitch

AddicksAddict said:

cafcfan said:

You can now get a knock-off Henry vacuum cleaner imported from Turkey.

@cafcfan, could you explain, please?

Lot of people go to Turkey for dental prodecures, the famous 'Turkey teeth'.

Fumbluff

iaitch said:

AddicksAddict said:

cafcfan said:

You can now get a knock-off Henry vacuum cleaner imported from Turkey.

@cafcfan, could you explain, please?

Lot of people go to Turkey for dental prodecures, the famous 'Turkey teeth'.

How many hoovers do that though?

Fumbluff

Honestly it’s like people just post a load of old nonsense on here theses days

AddicksAddict

iaitch said:

AddicksAddict said:

cafcfan said:

You can now get a knock-off Henry vacuum cleaner imported from Turkey.

@cafcfan, could you explain, please?

Lot of people go to Turkey for dental prodecures, the famous 'Turkey teeth'.

Thanks. 

AddicksAddict

Fumbluff said:

Honestly it’s like people just post a load of old nonsense on here theses days

It’s the way you tell ‘em. 

_MrDick

Breaking news:

The manager of the Bexleyheath cinema complex has tragically passed away.

His funeral is next Tuesday at 2.00pm, 4.15pm, 6.45pm and 8.30pm.

jose

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are strolling through London when a cat leaps on Watson out of nowhere and pisses on him.

"Oh, bloody hell!" Watson exclaims. "My coat is ruined!"

"You'll have to take it up with the owner," Sherlock replies calmly.

"But I haven’t the slightest idea who the owner is!"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. You are both pissed on and pissed off at the same time, so it must be Schrödinger's cat."

_MrDick

Famous people of Bexley- comedian Linda Smith.

Linda Smith (1958–2006), stand-up comic and radio comedienne, was born and raised in Erith and attended Bexleyheath School and Erith College. Technically she actually lived in Belvedere as was brought up in Riverdale Road.

Smith famously joked that Erith "is not twinned with any town but does have a suicide pact with Dagenham" and ‘Erith is in Kent - the "Garden of England" I can only assume Erith is the outside toilet because it is a shit house.’. 

_MrDick

_MrDick

Due to a misheard Carpenters' lyric, when I was a kid, I thought the first alien life form to contact earth, was called Colin Octopus…

AddicksAddict

R0TW

I see you was on just as good form at Wembley.

AddicksAddict

R0TW said:

I see you was on just as good form at Wembley.

Too early a start, too little food. 

thai malaysia addick

"Are you alright in there, Watson?"
"Yes"
"I can hear a lot of straining sounds. Are you sure you are alright?"
"Yes"
"I think you're constipated, Watson"
"No shit, Sherlock"

Foxycafc

Foxycafc

_MrDick

iaitch

Foxycafc said:

Then she moans on social media that people were looking at her.

LargeAddick

I asked Rick Astley if I could have some of his Pixar DVD's. He said 'I will give you Cars and Toy Story but I'm never going to give you Up.'

jose

Yesterday I was in hospital having a mole removed from my penis.
I’m not shagging one of those again.

Taxi_Lad

I told this blonde lady that I feeling cold and she told me to go stand in the corner. 

I said “is it warmer?”
she said “yes….. it’s 90 degrees “

Taxi_Lad

You’d think a snail would be faster without it’s shell but in fact it’s a little sluggish 

SoundAsa£

Fella turns up at a night club only to find you have to be wearing a tie.
Bouncer flatly refuse’s to allow him in.
Pissed off, he goes back to his car to rummage through its content to see what he could come up with…..he finds a pair of jump leads.
He manages to fashion what could pass as a tie.
Turning up at the door again, he shows the bouncer his ‘tie’.
“Ok, on this occasion I’ll let you in…..just don’t start anything.”

Stuart_the_Red

.

MrOneLung

Taxi_Lad said:

You’d think a snail would be faster without it’s shell but in fact it’s a little sluggish 

What did the slug say to the snail?

’Big issue’ 

Stig

R0TW said:

I see you was on just as good form at Wembley.

By the looks on their faces, I'd say that the two on the outside were playing footsie under the table and he's suddenly taken it a step too far.

jose

I once had to dump a girlfriend who kept taking the piss out of me for being colourblind. It was a massive grey flag for me !