AITA - extension and neighbour situation.
Classic am I the arsehole question. I don't think we've done anything wrong but happy to be corrected on that and welcome any advice on how to operate going forwards.
Background:
We bought this house almost exactly 5 years ago. It hasn't had much done to it since the 60s or 70s so was always a pretty big project. Did quite a bit of work when we first moved in (bathroom, rewire, re-plumb, new boiler, new windows and plastered and decorated the main bedroom). The rear ground floor extension was always the key piece of the puzzle for us so we've gone all out saving for that in the intervening years. Neighbours both sides have been great but the old boy in the house we are attached to has been particularly great, he lent me tools when I was doing DIY, has looked out for our house when we've been away (as we have for him) and taken in our post etc. He retired a year or so after we moved in and got noticeably more lonely so we tried to look out for him a bit more too. Had him round for a glass of wine or cup of tea every now and then and even had him for dinner around Christmas last year. I've helped him out with moving bits of furniture round his house and some heavy lifting etc. Its definitely been a 2 way relationship.
Planning the extension:
Weve been planning this in detail for more than 18 months now. It was really important to us that he was okay with everything so we had conversations with him from the start. As soon as we got initial drawings we had him round to look at them and then again before we submitted for planning. He was sent the full drawings as part of the planning consultation and we even got a party wall agreement done (at significant expense to us) to make sure that he was happy with everything and that it was all agreed with him. He was sent the full drawings as part of this process too. Throughout all of this he was great with us. Raised no concerns and just said "it's what people want to do with these houses nowadays". The only thing he asks for is that his side of it is rendered rather than brickwork like the rest of it. We were advised by the architect and builder not to do this for him as in their experience "if you give them one thing they'll always want more". We said he's not like that and agreed to render his side. Planning was approved in September 2025 and the party wall agreement sorted in March. Its a simple ground storey rear extension replacing a small conservatory we had there before. Lots of others on the road have done very similar projects. Only slightly different thing about it is that we've gone for a flat roof rather than pitched roof as is the modern way to do these, it maximises the high ceilings and makes for a nicer kitchen design. This was clearly included in the plans including a side profile of what it would look like from his side with scale and measurements.
The build:
Build started in September and everything was going well, he loved having the builders to chat to and was out there every day even making them cups of tea etc. Every time I went out to take photos of progress he would pop into our garden and chat to me. It was all nice and friendly. Then suddenly last week once they had buit the exterior it wasnt okay. We first found out when the builders told us he had a go at them in the morning and he sent me a series of fairly agressive messages that afternoon. He was stating it was too big, unsightly and blocks his view of the sky and he didnt like it. We immediately said we were sorry, assured him it was built to the plans he had seen and offered to chat. He didnt want to chat but repeatedly stated he would have objected "if he had known". Hes now saying he wanted it to be a pitched roof rather than a flat roof. But he never raised any of this during the planning process and now its too late to change anything. Its literally built. If he had raised it we would have been more than happy to compormise. We probably wouldnt have done a pitched roof but could have stepped it a little further from the boundary and/or done a dropped ceiling to reduce the height slightly. There were options. But he didnt raise anything.
Since then he has continued to be passive agressive including sending multiple messages and also making a big show of returning his spare key stating he doesnt want to help us out anymore going forward, wont be taking in our post and basically wants nothing to do with us. Hes had a go at the builders a few times since and even sent our architects a snooty email saying they "shouldnt have designed it like that" which is wild! I think the most dissappointing/upsetting thing for us is that over the weekend we heard him moaning multiple times to other neighbours (sometimes right outside our windows) about how we "tricked" and "misled" him. Which I think is completely unfair. Ironically a lot of this was while he was loading his old decking into our skip which he was still quite happy to do (I had offered before it all kicked off). We had also agreed to split the cost of a new fence with him (his fence) as the current one is only 4ft and falling down and the building work has needed to remove (with his agreement) the first 2 panels. He has now said he wants us having nothing to do with it.
We are currently trying to kill him with kindness, be nice in response to all the passive agg, gave him a bottle of wine and planning a gift hamper for him (and the neighbours the other side) for Chirstmas once all of the work is finished. But not sure how long I can keep this up if he keeps giving me agg.
I understand why he is upset - I think despite all the drawings and measurements we gave him he is surprised that it is bigger than the small conservatory it replaced. The conservatory was tiny and you stepped down into it and it had a very low ceiling. This is a proper extension with one floor and ceiling level throughout so obviously has a higher roof. So I get that it actually going up is a shock and is new so stands out. However a couple of things just dont sit right with me, 1) the implication that we somehow did anything wrong when we put in loads of effort and went over and above to try and make sure he was happy for over a year before we started. 2) that even a week later he is still acting quite childish about this and hasnt cooled off.
2 things he is clearly missing:
- He couldnt actually have objected back then even if he had wanted to. We we were well within permitted development and so allowed to go ahead. The thing we actually needed planning for was repacing the garage on the other side which doesnt affect him. As I said we would have been happy to compromise with something had he rasied it as it was important to us that he was okay with it all. But he couldnt have forced us to do anything
- That a pitched roof wouldnt have solved his problem. Compared to our neighbours the other side who have done theirs with a pitched roof - theirs is 70Cm higher at the back of the house and only 20cm lower at the furthest point. He is losing his mind over 20cm.
So have we done anything wrong here? and also how should we handle this going forwards? I'm pretty close to saying "I understand you dont like it but we havent done anything wrong, you had many opportunities to raise it and didn't".
Comments
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100% not the arsehole. Everything was done correct and legally, and he had ample opportunity to object. Tough shit.2
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Is it too late to bury him under the extension?🤔19
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Document everything, keep a diary. IF it goes legal you can then show your goodwill and offers of compromise, and an accurate timeline.Send a solicitor letter asking him to cease and desist from any further harassment.3
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Hoping it doesn't come to that but will keep good records...usetobunkin said:Document everything, keep a diary. IF it goes legal you can then show your goodwill and offers of compromise, and an accurate timeline.Send a solicitor letter asking him to cease and desist from any further harassment.1 -
Shame this has happened, especially if you've previously been on such good terms with him.Reminds me of our old neighbours next door - Was always a pleasure speaking to them, never had an issues, spoke to them about the decking that we were planning to put up in the Garden, got their approval to try and ensure that everything went smoothly.. the moment the decking starting going up they started to become a nuisance over it all claiming it was too high etc. and sadly got to the point where we just ignored each other.Thankfully they ended up moving so don't have to deal with it any more, but its almost like a lot of neighbours can be easy to work with, when you don't need to work with them... the moment anything changes its like a lightbulb, maybe its a bit of jealousy at the work you're having done to improve your home... I dont know... Hope you get it all resolved easily Canters!!2
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No accounting for some people. Is it possible he's got a bit of dementia creeping in? Is there a family member, e.g. son or daughter you can talk to or another neighbour you might be able to mediate through?15
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If the extension was built in exactly the way it shows on the plans you showed him you have nothing to be concerned about.
Id just ignore him for a while eventually he will have to accept it.6 -
Old boy = just retired !
Maybe that’s what triggered him 😉😀
on a serious point it will blow over.The issue is a plan is not the same as seeing it in the flesh and he will need to take time to adapt to his new view / outlook until it becomes the (new) norm. No one likes change and all that.No need to fall out. It will likely resolve.3 -
Neighbour stuff like this is the sharpest pain in the nutbag
The builder is kind of right, some people, not everyone but a disproportionate number have what I call a greed button in their head. One of my neighbours has it, he's a wannabe alpha, bricklayer doesn't give one shiny shit about how his behaviour can affect others yet will cry like a newborn if anything remotely affects him. I got fed up of him last year about cutting his conifers what hang over into my garden, we'd always done it together and he tried it on, I laughed it off at the time but the silly prick sent me a load of messages at 1am one morning whingeing about how much I'd cut them (the bits I'd cut were all my side) so I thought about it, calmly told him to go fuck himself and not to contact me again and I'd be round to see him to get my chainsaw back that he'd had for ages. The guy is a selfish arsehole, me hitting him with a scaffold pole won't change that, its got him through life and I have no interest in maintaining a relationship with some dickhead like that regardless of being neighbours or not
Long story short. You sound like you have gone way over and above for this guy, I'm not without sympathy as living next to building works gets on your tits after a while and seeing something in a drawing is very different to seeing it in the cold light of day. You don't sound like an idiot, if i were you I'd give him a last chance, speak to him, tell him you are sorry he feels the way he does but its too late to change it now, you still want to be friends, hope he changes his mind but if he doesn't you aren't going to tolerate him bitching about you to everyone without correcting him and he can get all that shit out of your skip too.
Easier said than done, grumpy lonely old blokes are a nightmare, understandably maybe and you might become one one day, as much as I swore I'd never become a miserable fucker at work it creeps up on you as does your "don't say that" filter.
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Dont think so, hes not that old. But no family and is alone a lot of the time and that can speed that sort of thing up.swords_alive said:No accounting for some people. Is it possible he's got a bit of dementia creeping in? Is there a family member, e.g. son or daughter you can talk to or another neighbour you might be able to mediate through?1 -
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It sounds to me that his change of heart could be linked to someone else (family member?) feeding him negatives.a) you've done nothing wrong at all, and b) there is now f*ck all he can do about it.If it were me I would have a word with him along the lines of 'The last thing I want is to fall out with you over this as we've always had a really good friendly relationship, but you need to understand that the time for objections was when you were given ample opportunity to raise them. That time has long passed - I will not engage further with you on this and now consider this matter closed.'12
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Yeah hes acepted theres nothing he can do about it and he will just have to live with it. But its his reaction thats pretty childish and making things difficult. Will try to be the bigger person and ignore.blackpool72 said:If the extension was built in exactly the way it shows on the plans you showed him you have nothing to be concerned about.
Id just ignore him for a while eventually he will have to accept it.3 -
Hahaha Should have known someone would pick up on this. He retired 3 or 4 years back now. But yeah not the best description..valleynick66 said:Old boy = just retired !
Maybe that’s what triggered him 😉😀
on a serious point it will blow over.The issue is a plan is not the same as seeing it in the flesh and he will need to take time to adapt to his new view / outlook until it becomes the (new) norm. No one likes change and all that.No need to fall out. It will likely resolve.0 -
Just ignore him until he comes to his senses. He’ll adjust to the change in time and see he’s in the wrong.
The more you give hampers and the like the more he and other neighbours will think they can press you on any little thing going forwards. It’s built now; he had his time to ask questions, potentially mock up the true size etc., and he didn’t. He feels a tit and probably can’t deal with change… but he will have to and it will be fine. Ignore him until he makes peace and comes round.3 -
With Christmas coming and if he's going to be alone perhaps inviting him for Christmas dinner he might appreciate and he can see the error of his ways.
You could hopefully get back to your previous good relationship.3 -
This.valleynick66 said:Old boy = just retired !
Maybe that’s what triggered him 😉😀
on a serious point it will blow over.The issue is a plan is not the same as seeing it in the flesh and he will need to take time to adapt to his new view / outlook until it becomes the (new) norm. No one likes change and all that.No need to fall out. It will likely resolve.
Some people can't visualise what its going to look like "in the flesh" and his brain just thought that it wont be a lot different to what you already had there. 10 foot on a plan doesn't really compute in real life.
Also; you don't really know what else is happening in his life right now. You might be good neighbours & do things for each other but would he tell you if he has just had a diagnosis of prostate cancer.....or even just high blood pressure that he now has to take daily medicine for.
So, give him a little space & time to get used to it. And yes, YATA for not uploading a picture of said extension so we can judge it for ourselves 😃8 -
I wouldn’t worry about it. He has plenty of time to object and you went above & beyond letting him know well in advance what the plans were. Based on what you shared it sounds like even if he had of objected back then you still would have been fine.It’s a shame to lose a good relationship with a neighbour, but it’s not the end of the world. I hardly know my neighbours and have lived in this house for several years!1
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Yeah and I completly get that which is why I understand why hes upset. Its really the suggestion that we did anything wrong which is the thing thats getting to us.golfaddick said:
This.valleynick66 said:Old boy = just retired !
Maybe that’s what triggered him 😉😀
on a serious point it will blow over.The issue is a plan is not the same as seeing it in the flesh and he will need to take time to adapt to his new view / outlook until it becomes the (new) norm. No one likes change and all that.No need to fall out. It will likely resolve.
Some people can't visualise what its going to look like "in the flesh" and his brain just thought that it wont be a lot different to what you already had there. 10 foot on a plan doesn't really compute in real life.
Also; you don't really know what else is happening in his life right now. You might be good neighbours & do things for each other but would he tell you if he has just had a diagnosis of prostate cancer.....or even just high blood pressure that he now has to take daily medicine for.
So, give him a little space & time to get used to it. And yes, YATA for not uploading a picture of said extension so we can judge it for ourselves 😃
Fair point regarding things going on in his life. We arent that close. WIll give him some grace but if that type of behaviour continues too long I will be having words along the lines of what Bob suggested above.1 -
Re your final paragraph, from my experience it is the best way.se9addick said:I wouldn’t worry about it. He has plenty of time to object and you went above & beyond letting him know well in advance what the plans were. Based on what you shared it sounds like even if he had of objected back then you still would have been fine.It’s a shame to lose a good relationship with a neighbour, but it’s not the end of the world. I hardly know my neighbours and have lived in this house for several years!
Too many busy bodies/gossipers/nosy b*******.1 -
We’re civil, have a chat if we see each other, put bins back for one another if we’re away, that sort of thing. I don’t need to be best mates with people just because we happen to have bought property on the same street. Actually, I can’t think of much worse than being really good friends with someone next door.ElfsborgAddick said:
Re your final paragraph, from my experience it is the best way.se9addick said:I wouldn’t worry about it. He has plenty of time to object and you went above & beyond letting him know well in advance what the plans were. Based on what you shared it sounds like even if he had of objected back then you still would have been fine.It’s a shame to lose a good relationship with a neighbour, but it’s not the end of the world. I hardly know my neighbours and have lived in this house for several years!
Too many busy bodies/gossipers/nosy b*******.1 -
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When I built an extension to our house, and discussed the plans with our neighbours, one of them said that it was good to see the work done as it:
a) increases the value of the housing stock on the street,
b) shows potential buyers of your neighbour's property, what's possible.
Maybe if your neighbour could see some financial benefit, he will be happier.5 -
Snap, there is a perfect balancese9addick said:
We’re civil, have a chat if we see each other, put bins back for one another if we’re away, that sort of thing. I don’t need to be best mates with people just because we happen to have bought property on the same street. Actually, I can’t think of much worse than being really good friends with someone next door.ElfsborgAddick said:
Re your final paragraph, from my experience it is the best way.se9addick said:I wouldn’t worry about it. He has plenty of time to object and you went above & beyond letting him know well in advance what the plans were. Based on what you shared it sounds like even if he had of objected back then you still would have been fine.It’s a shame to lose a good relationship with a neighbour, but it’s not the end of the world. I hardly know my neighbours and have lived in this house for several years!
Too many busy bodies/gossipers/nosy b*******.
Putting each others bins back
Taking deliveries for each other
Not having bonfires anytime other than Guy Fawkes night
Not blocking each others drive
Saying hello, good morning etc
Christmas cards
Holding a spare key, feeding cats/fish/watering hanging baskets when one another is on holiday
All thise are good and smooth
Things I do not desire
Gossip or idle chit chat
Neighbourhood barbecues
Seeing my van, the livery on it and taking that as an invitation to bother me on a Sunday about work
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Yeah when we bought our house there was only one other couple under about 60 on the road. The average age was very high. Its come down a lot in the last few year and now quite a few are owned by young couples who have done similar work. I honestly think in a few years if/when he sells a young couple will buy it and be glad for the party wall ready to build off.Arthur_Trudgill said:When I built an extension to our house, and discussed the plans with our neighbours, one of them said that it was good to see the work done as it:
a) increases the value of the housing stock on the street,
b) shows potential buyers of your neighbour's property, what's possible.
Maybe if your neighbour could see some financial benefit, he will be happier.3 -
Try telling my wife an extra 20cm doesn’t matter!
Seriously though try not to let it get to you ignore him.2 -
Probably the best thing you can do is wait until it’s dark and paint a massive cock and balls over his front door.Distraction, it works every time…7
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You know he's being unreasonable when he said he'd rather it were a pitched roof. That would've just increased the mass and blocked more light (a single storey extension will block barely an light in any case).
Neighbours are an absolute pain the arse. You've done nothing wrong.2 -
Neighbours! I often think the best are the quiet ones who keep themselves to themselves.
Hopefully he’ll transition to that.2 -
I'd get your builders to keep building taller and taller, 4 pitched roofs, 7 flat roofs, a conservatory on top of a flat roof, a spire and once they're finished, ask your neighbour what he thinks of that.2
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I have always fancied a clock tower. Would be a great place to hide and read a good book.Macronate said:I'd get your builders to keep building taller and taller, 4 pitched roofs, 7 flat roofs, a conservatory on top of a flat roof, a spire and once they're finished, ask your neighbour what he thinks of that.1 -
Planning consent/permitted development = lawful
party wall agreement = lawful
Fuck him!!!!
I have read your post in detail but only skimmed the responses so apologies if already covered.
At the application stage, he was entitled to raise concerned to the planners but if it’s lawful, a committee would likely have been favourable towards you. One neighbour complaining would unlikely even result in the application going to committee.Out of interest, a standard 3m extension?
party wall agreement - not cutting into his wall but served a foundation notice?1
