My wife is throwing me out of the house because she says I treat the place like a hotel. I hope she doesn't look in my suitcase I've stolen three towels and a dressing gown!
One weekend I was supposed to be officiating at Nan City, but hot a last minute reassignment to Stockport. That's right, I was a linesman at the county, bit not at Maine Road
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth
and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.
"'Good", she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9..'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'Y’know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'
The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief…..
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..
Ms.. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and adog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question……
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher,
" Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself..."
I walked into the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day. Looking at her lifeless body, I decided to have one last go. Half way through she opened her eyes and shouted “Boo!!” Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.
English man travelling up the motorway with a load of monkeys in his van when he breaks down.
Paddy stops behind him in his van.
English man says to Paddy “If I give you £50, will you take the monkeys to the zoo for me”.
Paddy says “Not a problem, load them up”.
They load them up and Paddy heads off.
Two hours later the English man is still waiting for the AA to come out when he sees Paddy driving on the far side of the motorway with the monkeys still in his van. The English man flags him down and says “Fuck sake Paddy, I gave you £50 to take the monkeys to the zoo for me”.
Paddy replies “I did, but we had some money left over and I’m taking them to the cinema now”.
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads...
Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows...
Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy, AND, you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
- 2 litres of low fat milk - A carton of eggs - 2 litres of orange juice - A head of lettuce - Half a dozen tomatoes - A 500g jar of coffee - A 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt at the checkout, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition since she was indeed single. She looked at her seven items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be
when he grows older?"
The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."
Comments
Guess who woke up to 74 missed calls from their ex?
My ex
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
say in an American accent “Space ghettos”
and you actually end up saying “Spice girls” in a Scottish accent !!
An Italian astronaut.
Looking at her lifeless body, I decided to have one last go.
Half way through she opened her eyes and shouted “Boo!!”
Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.
"Wouldja?" asks one.
The other replies "Only if I could get it out of those pyjamas".
Paddy stops behind him in his van.
English man says to Paddy “If I give you £50, will you take the monkeys to the zoo for me”.
Paddy says “Not a problem, load them up”.
They load them up and Paddy heads off.
Two hours later the English man is still waiting for the AA to come out when he sees Paddy driving on the far side of the motorway with the monkeys still in his van. The English man flags him down and says “Fuck sake Paddy, I gave you £50 to take the monkeys to the zoo for me”.
Paddy replies “I did, but we had some money left over and I’m taking them to the cinema now”.
- 2 litres of low fat milk
- A carton of eggs
- 2 litres of orange juice
- A head of lettuce
- Half a dozen tomatoes
- A 500g jar of coffee
- A 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt at the checkout, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition since she was indeed single. She looked at her seven items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Because you're ugly."
The doctor poured some chocolate in my ear and it came out a treat