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Ten and a half things you never knew about..........Colchester

AFKABartramAFKABartram
edited April 2010 in Fun, Jokes & Captions
1. The town on Colne was renamed Colchester in 2008 after Ashley Cole fondled 864 breasts within 60 seconds at the Colchester Liquid and Evy Nightclub, a new world record. Despite fingerprint evidence found on 812 nipples, Cole vehemently denied it was him, arguing that his hand double wearing an Ashley Cole mask had stolen his mobile phone the previous day to film the outrageous attempt.

2. Challenge Anneka was dropped from ITV schedules in 2007 as a result of a failed attempt in Colchester. The vivacious blonde was given 60 minutes to find Colchester's new stadium from the nearby motorway. However it took Anneka and TV crew 4 days, 21 hours and 17 minutes to correctly navigate their way to the stadium entrance, with 3 of the crew needing hospital treatment for dehydration and Anneka herself institutionalised due to withdrawal symptoms from her heroin addiction. Sadly Anneka never recovered, and remains locked away in a high-security phyciatric unit to this day. A very sad tale.

In September 2009, 2000 Charlton fans 'done an Anneka', but marginally managed to successfully negotiate their way from the motorway to ground within 14 hours.

3. Colchester High Street was where Elvis Presley was last spotted. Allegedly

4. Colchester's influencial midfielder Anthony Shakespeare is banned from tonight's and Saturday's game for being a very bard boy.

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Comments

  • SaladSalad
    5. The average IQ in Colchester is now one of the highest in Essex, having increased from 69 to 73 last year following the opening of the Orangutang Forest at Colchester Zoo.
  • adamtheaddickadamtheaddick
    edited April 2010
    Colchester is a garrison town and home to the british army, all the local women from 16 to 60 therefore have ones like a wizards sleve..
  • 3blokes3blokes
    edited April 2010
    The town was originally named after Sir Cole Chester a nobleman who was knighted in the field by a grateful King John whose life he had saved in the Great Wash debacle in 1211.
    Today the town's football team still regularly honour this special moment by ensuring that King John's words to their famous founding father are frequently aired.
    Many times a year the cry of "Cole Chester kneel" can be heard and hopefully we too will get the opportunity to hear these stirring words at the Valley tonight :-)
  • PeteFPeteF
    Very good 3blokes, I trust you will be in your normal position this evening, I may be persuaded to send further text abuse....
  • Chirpy RedChirpy Red
    If you put all the towns in Europe in alphabetical order, Colchester would come 1905th! How spooky is that? Got to be a good omen.
  • AFKABartramAFKABartram
    [cite]Posted By: Chirpy Red[/cite]If you put all the towns in Europe in alphabetical order, Colchester would come 1905th! How spooky is that? Got to be a good omen.

    It is with great sadness i report that they are now listed at 1906, due to the arrival of new town Cambourne in Cambridgeshire in 2001. Nice hotel there btw
  • Bournemouth AddickBournemouth Addick
    9. Colchester is home to the UK's largest collection of white stilettos. Housed in the Denise Van Outen Museum Of Essex Culture and Stuff Innit other exhibits include a mock up of Dukes nightclub on a typical Friday night, Danny Dyers accent and Jodie Marsh's original nose.
  • PeteFPeteF
    I have a Colchester fan sitting next to me in the office, taking great offence at all this and swears blind he will personally abuse each and everyone of you from the away end.....keep up the good work
  • 3blokes3blokes
    Pete tell him to save all his abuse for himself ;-)
    and yes I will be there in my normal spot :-)
  • Henry IrvingHenry Irving
    Colchester was the capital of England during Roman times but was such a boring place that it was replaced by Bury St Edmunds
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  • kigeliakigelia
    10. A recent Football League survey revealed that Colchesters fanbase contains the largest number of people with the nickname 'Elmo' (8.43%)

    11. Related to the above, the 2001 census revealed that Colchester contains over 3000 people with the surname 'tickleme'
  • PeteFPeteF
    He does not need any help with the self abuse side of things.......
  • ValleyGaryValleyGary
    12. Colchesters home ground, The Western Homes Dooberry Whatsit Stadium, is officially classed as the UK's furthest football ground away from civilization.
  • JTJT
    edited April 2010
    13. Taxi Firms in the town famously ignore phone calls between the hours of 10pm-11pm on Tuesday nights in September.
  • Henry IrvingHenry Irving
    Those little jars of Tiptree's jam and marmalade you get in cheap hotels and B & Bs are made in Colchester.

    The jam makers are the town largest employers after the many amputee prostitutes who cater to the rather perverse tastes of the locals.
  • AFKABartramAFKABartram
    [cite]Posted By: Henry Irving[/cite]
    The jam makers are the town largest employers after the many amputee prostitutes who cater to the rather perverse tastes of the locals.

    Not my thing, but most prostitutes are armless
  • ValleyGaryValleyGary
    [cite]Posted By: AFKABartram[/cite]
    [cite]Posted By: Henry Irving[/cite]
    The jam makers are the town largest employers after the many amputee prostitutes who cater to the rather perverse tastes of the locals.

    Not my thing, but most prostitutes are armless

    They usually leave me stumped.
  • Henry IrvingHenry Irving
    edited April 2010
    [cite]Posted By: AFKABartram[/cite]
    [cite]Posted By: Henry Irving[/cite]
    The jam makers are the town largest employers after the many amputee prostitutes who cater to the rather perverse tastes of the locals.

    Not my thing, but most prostitutes are armless

    And plenty of their customers are legless at the time
  • NathanPriorNathanPrior
    Layer Road was built at the site where the first prostitue murder took place in Colchester
  • Friend Or DefoeFriend Or Defoe
    edited April 2010
    Colchester Cathedral is the Mayfair of the Essex monopoly board.

    winning-moves-monopoly-essex-game.jpg

    The favourite wine of young ladies in Colchester is 'Iwannagotolakeside.'
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  • AlgarveaddickAlgarveaddick
    17. Colchester born witchfinder general, Matthew Hopkins, decied to take his show on the road after he realised his job was far too easy in his home town.
  • kigeliakigelia
    18. Colchester was the Home of Adam Framley Associates, the world's leading supplier of mattresses filled with pencil shavings. the company was a massive success until 1987 when it fell foul of new fire regulations and ceased trading. Framle himself complained that the new regulations were as a result of sharp practice by rivals and vowed not to be beaten, alas he was wrong and turned to a career in journalism and spent his time littering his stories with pencil related puns.
  • Sparrows Lane LionSparrows Lane Lion
    given 60 minutes to find Colchester's new stadium from the nearby motorway. However it took Anneka and TV crew 4 days, 21 hours and 17 minutes to correctly navigate their way to the stadium entrance,


    Ain't that the truth. Bloody nightmare.
  • RedZed333RedZed333
    Colchester is the only team in the football league whose county doesn't have a coastline...
  • StigStig
    [cite]Posted By: adamtheaddick[/cite]Colchester is a garrison town and home to the british army, all the local women from 16 to 60 therefore have ones like a wizards sleve..

    Hence the club used to play at Lay Her Road.
  • PeteFPeteF
    My Colchester work colleague who was rather put out by this thread and was looking forward to abusing me heavily this morning, does not seem to be in playful mood at all, keeps muttering on about a penalty and unfair dismissal, I of course am indulging in the usual banter. Poor lad....
  • aliwibblealiwibble
    Clive Platt is the Essex County leapfrog champion, and can sometimes be seen practising his technique during matches.
  • LenGloverLenGlover
    [cite]Posted By: aliwibble[/cite]Clive Platt is the Essex County leapfrog champion, and can sometimes be seen practising his technique during matches.

    whilst chanting Izett, Izett....
  • Bournemouth AddickBournemouth Addick
    19. Colchester recently failed in it's bid for city status, due to the fact the Queen, who decides on these things with Phil, stated that the place was, and this is a direct quote from her majesty, "...crawling with extras and wannabies from TOWIE".
  • March51March51
    20. I understand that one of Colchester's popular attractions are the dykes on the west side of the town.........
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