I just got this from an American friend and thought I'd pass on...made me larf anyway...
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all
over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,
'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET LONG UP MY BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a
box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must
never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any
#solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you
fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to
drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of
goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you
drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?
This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode
had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.
And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as
I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure,
but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'
How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space
and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when
you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was
very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first
I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to
make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to
burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously
nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked
to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be
the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are
squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the
beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when
Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been
prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.....
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients
(predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married..'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
0
Comments
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
That is so true!
I hope they used a different tube!
Can't believe someone has posted this when I'm having a colonoscopy this Sunday!!!
I've had an endoscopy twice (have to have it every 2 years) first time with a throat spray, second with sedation. I will definitely be having sedation every time from now on.
Back home after having a camera shoved up my jacksy. The original post over-exaggerates the whole experience. The moviprep does taste pretty vile but you should drink water with it so it is bearable. It does come out like a jet hose though. I had the sedation but didnt sleep at all and watched my insides on the screen. Apparently my colon is also too long for the scope and I have to go back for an x-ray on the last section.
All in all it was far less unpleasant then the endoscopy.
I had a scope in December last year and a largish cancerous tumor was found, despite the fact that only a few months earlier, the result from a nationwide stool test (smears were sent off for NHS laboratory analysis) proved negative. Luckily the tumor although large had not expanded into my glandular system. I had an operation in January to remove a length of my colon. So far the results are OK and there is no discernible trace of cancer anywhere else in my body. It is taking quite a while for my stomach to settle down and for the operation scars to heal properly but it's better than a slow death through an undiscovered or late operated on and potentially lethal cancer.
The colonoscopy is not too bad, just relax, lie back and think of England. I urge anyone who has developed stomach pains no matter how spasmodic or even a spell of constipation to go for a chat with their doctor. Be a man about it and get checked out, it could save your life