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Journal Of A Colonoscopy

I just got this from an American friend and thought I'd pass on...made me larf anyway...




Colonoscopy Journal:



I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.



A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all

over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

 

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.



I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,

 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET LONG UP MY BEHIND!'



I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a

box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must

never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.



I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.



Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any

#solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.



Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you

fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to

drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of

goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.



The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you

drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'



This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.



MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?

This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode

had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.

And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as

I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.



After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.



The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure,

but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'

How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.



At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the

forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space

and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when

you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..



Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was

very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.  At first

I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to

 make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to

 burn your house.



When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an

anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously

nervous at this point.



Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.



There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked

to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be

the least appropriate.



'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.



'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are

squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.



I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the

beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.



Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when

Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been

prouder of an internal organ.





On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.....

 A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients

(predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:



1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'



2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'



3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'



4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'



5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married..'



6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'



7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'



8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'



9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'



10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'



11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'



12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'



And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Comments

  • Brilliant!!! Genuinely laughed out loud.
  • Superb: Just woke Mrs MOG up with my laughing.....
  • yep that MoviPrep is good stuff, went through all that last week. Not much fun.
  • Too near the knuckle for me. This time last year I had to have a total of THREE. That's because in the end they established that my bowel is longer than the longest colonoscopy tube. The third one was a CT colonoscopy, where they don't use a tube, which I thought would be a relief, but instead for some reason they pump air up your ass, and I felt like the AutoPilot in Airplane. Well the result was finally an all clear, which made it all worthwhile, but because of family history I will have this lark every three years.

    I've read that an Israeli institute has pioneered a less invasive keyhole type alternative. Bring it on, I say...

     
  • You OK, Large? Hope so
  • You OK, Large? Hope so
    yes, thanks Prague. Took some biopsies so just waiting those results. Every three years ? Arn't you the lucky one ;-)
  • I've had a colonoscopy. My procedure was pretty much as described. Almost to the letter, in fact. I know this because I decided, after having an Endoscopy a couple of months before, to take the anaesthetic. This is because, in said Endoscopy, I decided NOT to have the anaesthetic - and it was, without a doubt, one of the worst experiences in my life. if anyone ever has to have an endoscopy... for the love of God, have the anaesthetic.
  • hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

     

    That is so true!

  • ...they established that my bowel is longer than the longest colonoscopy tube.

     
    17,000 feet!
  • Go on, explain it to me...I've finished lunch
    ...they established that my bowel is longer than the longest colonoscopy tube.

     
    17,000 feet!

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  • The wife had one last year and wasn't a fan. I've had the one they put down your throat (Gastroscopy?) and that was a blast though. They give you an injection that is like drinking 8 pints in 10 minutes through a straw! No wonder you're not allowed to go to these things on your own!
  • We have broken through a new barrier today I reckon... swapping colonoscopy stories.

  • The wife had one last year and wasn't a fan. I've had the one they put down your throat (Gastroscopy?) and that was a blast though. They give you an injection that is like drinking 8 pints in 10 minutes through a straw! No wonder you're not allowed to go to these things on your own!
    Yep, I've had that one too. Not the most pleasant experience I've ever had. Sitting in the waiting room listening to the guy before me chucking his guts up during the procedure didn't exactly put me at ease.
  • The wife had one last year and wasn't a fan. I've had the one they put down your throat (Gastroscopy?) and that was a blast though. They give you an injection that is like drinking 8 pints in 10 minutes through a straw! No wonder you're not allowed to go to these things on your own!

    I hope they used a different tube!
  • Had one about 18 months ago. When the endoscope is inserted it misses viewing the first several centimetres of the anus. On withdrawal the tube has the ability to turn back on itself which it does in order to examine that first part of the tract that was missed on insertion. As I am a radiographer the radiologist performing my examination had turned the monitor so that I was able to see the ongoing examination. When the endoscope was turned just before it popped back out of my bottom I was able to look out of my own arse. A surreal experience let me assure you.
  • The wife had one last year and wasn't a fan. I've had the one they put down your throat (Gastroscopy?) and that was a blast though. They give you an injection that is like drinking 8 pints in 10 minutes through a straw! No wonder you're not allowed to go to these things on your own!
    Yep, I've had that one too. Not the most pleasant experience I've ever had. Sitting in the waiting room listening to the guy before me chucking his guts up during the procedure didn't exactly put me at ease.
    Endoscopy/Gastroscopy - potato/potato. That bloke chucking his guts up was probably me - though you can't actually chuck your guts up (what with an inch-wide tube stuck down your gullet) - that's the problem!
  • Yeah, I think it must have been while they were trying to stick the tube in Leroy. Fortunately I wasn't there to see it so I'm not sure :)
  • 'Fortunately' is certainly the right term. :o)
  • Now here's a subject for me.  I've had 14, repeat FOURTEEN colonoscopies in the last 36 years. At least it makes of me a connoisseur in something.
    At first, they didn't consider an aneasthetc necessary and the pumping of air in your insides was extremely unpleasant.  Today, the whole thing
    has become quite simple and totally painless.  Also, having gone through a lot of surgery/medication myself and being in the pharmaceutical field, I urge everyone over 45 to undergo a colonoscopy and make sure there are no polipae in the pipes - that, can lead to cancer.
  • Now here's a subject for me.  I've had 14, repeat FOURTEEN colonoscopies in the last 36 years. At least it makes of me a connoisseur in something.
    At first, they didn't consider an aneasthetc necessary and the pumping of air in your insides was extremely unpleasant.  Today, the whole thing
    has become quite simple and totally painless.  Also, having gone through a lot of surgery/medication myself and being in the pharmaceutical field, I urge everyone over 45 to undergo a colonoscopy and make sure there are no polipae in the pipes - that, can lead to cancer.
    Crohn's?
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  • I've got Ulcerative Colitis & have colonoscopies every 2/3 years. Next one is imminent    -    smashing   :-)
  • I've had an Endoscopy and Leroy is spot on about being less than pleasant.. :(
  • 30 seconds ago. Ring ring, ring ring  -    hospital here to book you in for your colonoscopy  -       you couldn't make it up.
  • Can't believe someone has posted this when I'm having a colonoscopy this Sunday!!!

    I've had an endoscopy twice (have to have it every 2 years) first time with a throat spray, second with sedation. I will definitely be having sedation every time from now on.

  • Back home after having a camera shoved up my jacksy. The original post over-exaggerates the whole experience. The moviprep does taste pretty vile but you should drink water with it so it is bearable. It does come out like a jet hose though. I had the sedation but didnt sleep at all and watched my insides on the screen. Apparently my colon is also too long for the scope and I have to go back for an x-ray on the last section.

    All in all it was far less unpleasant then the endoscopy.  

  • edited October 2011

    I had a scope in December last year and a largish cancerous tumor was found, despite the fact that only a few months earlier, the result from  a nationwide stool test (smears were sent off for NHS laboratory analysis) proved negative. Luckily the tumor although large had not expanded into  my glandular system. I had an operation in January to remove a length of my colon. So far the results are OK and there is no discernible trace of cancer anywhere else in my body. It is taking quite a while for my stomach to settle down and for the operation scars to heal properly but it's better than a slow death through an undiscovered or late operated on and potentially lethal cancer.

    The colonoscopy is not too bad, just relax, lie back and think of England. I urge anyone who has developed stomach pains no matter how spasmodic or even a spell of constipation to go for a chat with their doctor. Be a man about it and get checked out, it could save your life

  • I had a scope in December last year and a largish cancerous tumor was found, despite the fact that only a few months earlier, the result from  a nationwide stool test (smears were sent off for NHS laboratory analysis) proved negative. Luckily the tumor although large had not expanded into  my glandular system. I had an operation in January to remove a length of my colon. So far the results are OK and there is no discernible trace of cancer anywhere else in my body. It is taking quite a while for my stomach to settle down and for the operation scars to heal properly but it's better than a slow death through an undiscovered or late operated on and potentially lethal cancer.

    The colonoscopy is not too bad, just relax, lie back and think of England. I urge anyone who has developed stomach pains no matter how spasmodic or even a spell of constipation to go for a chat with their doctor. Be a man about it and get checked out, it could save your life

    My collegue at work had been feeling unwell for the past month or so and had both endoscopy and colonoscopy tests and sadly he has been diagnosed with bowel cancer which has spread to his liver so this thread has hit home somewhat  :(
  • edited October 2011

    I had a scope in December last year and a largish cancerous tumor was found, despite the fact that only a few months earlier, the result from  a nationwide stool test (smears were sent off for NHS laboratory analysis) proved negative. Luckily the tumor although large had not expanded into  my glandular system. I had an operation in January to remove a length of my colon. So far the results are OK and there is no discernible trace of cancer anywhere else in my body. It is taking quite a while for my stomach to settle down and for the operation scars to heal properly but it's better than a slow death through an undiscovered or late operated on and potentially lethal cancer.

    The colonoscopy is not too bad, just relax, lie back and think of England. I urge anyone who has developed stomach pains no matter how spasmodic or even a spell of constipation to go for a chat with their doctor. Be a man about it and get checked out, it could save your life

    My collegue at work had been feeling unwell for the past month or so and had both endoscopy and colonoscopy tests and sadly he has been diagnosed with bowel cancer which has spread to his liver so this thread has hit home somewhat  :(
    All I can do is to wish your colleague all the very best and to offer the advice that a positve attitude is VITAL, survival rates are getting better and better as new drugs and treatments are developed.
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