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  • Pedro45
    Pedro45 Posts: 5,820
    Got my umpiring fixtures through today. Very happy with what I've been allocated. No visit to Bexley planned this season sadly (doing them once away though). I don't get to see Mr Binny until August, so I hope he's still fit by then!
  • PaddyP17
    PaddyP17 Posts: 13,037
    Leuth said:
    Every time I bowled you a short one, you tried to nurdle it through slip!
    So every time you bowled? Mate you're a spinner not a medium pacer, I'd like to remind you :wink:

  • Leuth
    Leuth Posts: 23,315
    PaddyP17 said:
    Leuth said:
    Every time I bowled you a short one, you tried to nurdle it through slip!
    So every time you bowled? Mate you're a spinner not a medium pacer, I'd like to remind you :wink:

    I had 'use the facilities' yelled at me for fifteen years of trying to bowl leg-spin, so that's what I'm doing :P
  • PaddyP17
    PaddyP17 Posts: 13,037
    Just bought myself some batting gloves and a new bat grip.

    I'm expecting my career average to soar to the heady heights of... erm, high single figures this year. Exciting times ahead.
  • MrOneLung
    MrOneLung Posts: 26,853
    PaddyP17 said:
    Just bought myself some batting gloves and a new bat grip.

    I'm expecting my career average to soar to the heady heights of... erm, high single figures this year. Exciting times ahead.
    Paddy using the traditional Chinese pen grip on his bat in an effort to bamboozle the bowlers. 
  • Carter
    Carter Posts: 14,245
    PaddyP17 said:
    Just bought myself some batting gloves and a new bat grip.

    I'm expecting my career average to soar to the heady heights of... erm, high single figures this year. Exciting times ahead.
    I'm making a comeback after a long time away from playing the game. Treated myself to a new bat grip and pleasingly was still able to put that on using a plastic carrier bag. I've done 2 nets sessions, my right shoulder has told me I will never be bowling spin again so I've been throwing down some underwhelming right arm slow to medium pace stuff to manage the agony and to my mind I've been batting ok. Footwork is all over the place, my head seems a lot heavier than it ever did and I'm having to wear glasses to see the ball but I am hitting it and defending ok

    The club I've attached myself to has a selection of dickheads and some decent blokes.

    I was being given batting advice by a 18 year old kid who would have been a tickle in his daddies nutbag when I was playing properly. I got sold a bit of a pup as the bloke who has brought me along has told them I used to be ok. Which is a lie, 15 years ago was the last time I played competitive cricket and I'm rusty as anything now. And I never played at a level beyond social men's cricket so I made a point of saying I hadn't played for ages and at least some of the younger very quick boys stopped trying to give me a fractured skull off each delivery! 

    We shall see how I go, bat grip is new but apart from that everything I have is old. Box and me most of all
  • PaddyP17
    PaddyP17 Posts: 13,037
    Carter said:
    PaddyP17 said:
    Just bought myself some batting gloves and a new bat grip.

    I'm expecting my career average to soar to the heady heights of... erm, high single figures this year. Exciting times ahead.
    I'm making a comeback after a long time away from playing the game. Treated myself to a new bat grip and pleasingly was still able to put that on using a plastic carrier bag. I've done 2 nets sessions, my right shoulder has told me I will never be bowling spin again so I've been throwing down some underwhelming right arm slow to medium pace stuff to manage the agony and to my mind I've been batting ok. Footwork is all over the place, my head seems a lot heavier than it ever did and I'm having to wear glasses to see the ball but I am hitting it and defending ok

    The club I've attached myself to has a selection of dickheads and some decent blokes.

    I was being given batting advice by a 18 year old kid who would have been a tickle in his daddies nutbag when I was playing properly. I got sold a bit of a pup as the bloke who has brought me along has told them I used to be ok. Which is a lie, 15 years ago was the last time I played competitive cricket and I'm rusty as anything now. And I never played at a level beyond social men's cricket so I made a point of saying I hadn't played for ages and at least some of the younger very quick boys stopped trying to give me a fractured skull off each delivery! 

    We shall see how I go, bat grip is new but apart from that everything I have is old. Box and me most of all
    Great that you're back in the game! Shame it's not with myself, AshBurton and Leuth (assuming you're in the Kent League system that is) - though perhaps we could form a Charlton Life XI to play against, uh... well, Millwall and Palace don't exactly seem to be cricketing types!

    Just remember, if you're not stealing food to take home with at tea, you're not getting your sub's worth.
  • Carter
    Carter Posts: 14,245
    PaddyP17 said:
    Carter said:
    PaddyP17 said:
    Just bought myself some batting gloves and a new bat grip.

    I'm expecting my career average to soar to the heady heights of... erm, high single figures this year. Exciting times ahead.
    I'm making a comeback after a long time away from playing the game. Treated myself to a new bat grip and pleasingly was still able to put that on using a plastic carrier bag. I've done 2 nets sessions, my right shoulder has told me I will never be bowling spin again so I've been throwing down some underwhelming right arm slow to medium pace stuff to manage the agony and to my mind I've been batting ok. Footwork is all over the place, my head seems a lot heavier than it ever did and I'm having to wear glasses to see the ball but I am hitting it and defending ok

    The club I've attached myself to has a selection of dickheads and some decent blokes.

    I was being given batting advice by a 18 year old kid who would have been a tickle in his daddies nutbag when I was playing properly. I got sold a bit of a pup as the bloke who has brought me along has told them I used to be ok. Which is a lie, 15 years ago was the last time I played competitive cricket and I'm rusty as anything now. And I never played at a level beyond social men's cricket so I made a point of saying I hadn't played for ages and at least some of the younger very quick boys stopped trying to give me a fractured skull off each delivery! 

    We shall see how I go, bat grip is new but apart from that everything I have is old. Box and me most of all
    Great that you're back in the game! Shame it's not with myself, AshBurton and Leuth (assuming you're in the Kent League system that is) - though perhaps we could form a Charlton Life XI to play against, uh... well, Millwall and Palace don't exactly seem to be cricketing types!

    Just remember, if you're not stealing food to take home with at tea, you're not getting your sub's worth.
    You all play to a much higher standard than I ever have, certainly on a regular basis anyway. 

    My aim is to spend Saturdays and Sundays fielding near the boundary and not doing any bowling or heavy lifting in the slips and being a frustration of a batsman to young, pacey kids before getting stuck into cold sandwiches, sausage rolls, scotch eggs and lots of Stella. 

    Reality will undoubtedly be different but ive had 2 nets sessions, 3rd on Thursday is coming up and there is plenty of time for me to lose interest again or punch the club captain yet 
  • PaddyP17
    PaddyP17 Posts: 13,037
    Carter said:
    PaddyP17 said:
    Carter said:
    PaddyP17 said:
    Just bought myself some batting gloves and a new bat grip.

    I'm expecting my career average to soar to the heady heights of... erm, high single figures this year. Exciting times ahead.
    I'm making a comeback after a long time away from playing the game. Treated myself to a new bat grip and pleasingly was still able to put that on using a plastic carrier bag. I've done 2 nets sessions, my right shoulder has told me I will never be bowling spin again so I've been throwing down some underwhelming right arm slow to medium pace stuff to manage the agony and to my mind I've been batting ok. Footwork is all over the place, my head seems a lot heavier than it ever did and I'm having to wear glasses to see the ball but I am hitting it and defending ok

    The club I've attached myself to has a selection of dickheads and some decent blokes.

    I was being given batting advice by a 18 year old kid who would have been a tickle in his daddies nutbag when I was playing properly. I got sold a bit of a pup as the bloke who has brought me along has told them I used to be ok. Which is a lie, 15 years ago was the last time I played competitive cricket and I'm rusty as anything now. And I never played at a level beyond social men's cricket so I made a point of saying I hadn't played for ages and at least some of the younger very quick boys stopped trying to give me a fractured skull off each delivery! 

    We shall see how I go, bat grip is new but apart from that everything I have is old. Box and me most of all
    Great that you're back in the game! Shame it's not with myself, AshBurton and Leuth (assuming you're in the Kent League system that is) - though perhaps we could form a Charlton Life XI to play against, uh... well, Millwall and Palace don't exactly seem to be cricketing types!

    Just remember, if you're not stealing food to take home with at tea, you're not getting your sub's worth.
    You all play to a much higher standard than I ever have, certainly on a regular basis anyway. 


    I can say with utter certainty that this is not the case. You haven't seen me bowl, but an average of 41 last season at 5 runs an over, in the second-bottom division in all of Kent Saturday cricket, is all you need to know. And I'm a "bowler".
  • Leuth
    Leuth Posts: 23,315
    I think of you more as a holistic sensei figure
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  • Addick Addict
    Addick Addict Posts: 39,789
    I'd love to be standing at slips between Paddy and Leuth - sod the cricket and tea, I reckon the banter would be enough to make the day worthwhile!
  • PaddyP17
    PaddyP17 Posts: 13,037
    Addick Addict said:
    I'd love to be standing at slips between Paddy and Leuth - sod the cricket and tea, I reckon the banter would be enough to make the day worthwhile!
    This assumes Leuth is allowed in the slips, which he is not, for he is neither "old man privileged" nor "only bloke who can take a slip catch".
  • Addick Addict
    Addick Addict Posts: 39,789
    PaddyP17 said:
    Addick Addict said:
    I'd love to be standing at slips between Paddy and Leuth - sod the cricket and tea, I reckon the banter would be enough to make the day worthwhile!
    This assumes Leuth is allowed in the slips, which he is not, for he is neither "old man privileged" nor "only bloke who can take a slip catch".
    Perhaps I could be "cover", you "extra" and Leuth "point"? Might have to shout a bit and be careful not to put the batsmen off but I'm sure that would work.

    Of course, I am assuming that you don't, ordinarily, make him reflect on how things are going by consigning him to third man - both ends!
  • AshBurton
    AshBurton Posts: 1,142
    PaddyP17 said:
    Addick Addict said:
    I'd love to be standing at slips between Paddy and Leuth - sod the cricket and tea, I reckon the banter would be enough to make the day worthwhile!
    This assumes Leuth is allowed in the slips, which he is not, for he is neither "old man privileged" nor "only bloke who can take a slip catch".
    Or both
  • AshBurton
    AshBurton Posts: 1,142
    AshBurton said:
    PaddyP17 said:
    Addick Addict said:
    I'd love to be standing at slips between Paddy and Leuth - sod the cricket and tea, I reckon the banter would be enough to make the day worthwhile!
    This assumes Leuth is allowed in the slips, which he is not, for he is neither "old man privileged" nor "only bloke who can take a slip catch".
    Or both
    Actually you’re right, that’s an implausible combination 
  • Leuth
    Leuth Posts: 23,315
    Paddy is definitely the youngest old-man-privileged player I've seen. I guess your knees go when they go 
  • Ormiston_Addick
    Ormiston_Addick Posts: 8,810
    Carter said:
    PaddyP17 said:
    Just bought myself some batting gloves and a new bat grip.

    I'm expecting my career average to soar to the heady heights of... erm, high single figures this year. Exciting times ahead.
    I'm making a comeback after a long time away from playing the game. Treated myself to a new bat grip and pleasingly was still able to put that on using a plastic carrier bag. I've done 2 nets sessions, my right shoulder has told me I will never be bowling spin again so I've been throwing down some underwhelming right arm slow to medium pace stuff to manage the agony and to my mind I've been batting ok. Footwork is all over the place, my head seems a lot heavier than it ever did and I'm having to wear glasses to see the ball but I am hitting it and defending ok

    The club I've attached myself to has a selection of dickheads and some decent blokes.

    I was being given batting advice by a 18 year old kid who would have been a tickle in his daddies nutbag when I was playing properly. I got sold a bit of a pup as the bloke who has brought me along has told them I used to be ok. Which is a lie, 15 years ago was the last time I played competitive cricket and I'm rusty as anything now. And I never played at a level beyond social men's cricket so I made a point of saying I hadn't played for ages and at least some of the younger very quick boys stopped trying to give me a fractured skull off each delivery! 

    We shall see how I go, bat grip is new but apart from that everything I have is old. Box and me most of all

    I made a very brief comeback to playing Cricket a couple of years back for my local club here in Brisbane when they were short.

    I went out to bat at 50-5 and their gobby keeper came straight out with, "Christ, look at the tits on this bloke."

    Now, to be fair, I was about 120Kgs at the time so he wasn't wrong but you can't have that so I came straight back at him with, "Why don't you ---- off back to the Caravan Park you ginger c---."

    For those not familiar with Australia, being accused of living in a Caravan Park is akin to being accused of living with lowest social dregs of society.

    Anyway, I was immediately pissed off and set about hanging about as long as I could and I was seeing it really well and even though they had some decent pace bowlers I was defending and leaving it really well but not scoring many runs.

    Up piped ginger bollocks from behind the stumps, "Haven't you got any shots tubby?"

    Sometimes the Lord smiles upon us and the next ball is a juicy half-volley which I smack down the ground for four.

    "How's that one carrot top? That what you're looking for?"

    By now the opposition skipper is getting right hump that I have hung around for about 90 minutes for a paltry seven runs so he brings on their part-time spinner who serves up the biggest load of filth ever and I end up smacking a waste-high full bunger straight back at him for a C&B.

    They had a right old chirp as I am walking off and you can't say anything without looking even more of a twat so you've just got to bide your time.

    Come the end of the day and they have to face about 15 overs and would you believe it but who's opening the batting but the ginger keeper.

    I decided to ignore the skippers advice and just go and stand at silly mid-off and just give it to him relentlessly about being a ginger and letting him know if he got out he was getting an almighty f------- send-off from me that he wouldn't forget in a hurry.

    I was never a sledger previously but decided to climb right into this bloke and the umpire just wanted to get to close of play so couldn't give a toss so let me get on with it.

    Sure enough our opening bowler, pretty decent to be fair, ends up sending down a sizzling yorker that sent his stumps flying to all parts.

    "Ha! ---- off ya ------- ginger ----! You're not so -------- brave now are you? F--- off back to your caravan you ----!"

    For some reason I never got invited back to play again.
  • Pedro45
    Pedro45 Posts: 5,820
    Ormiston Addick said:
    Carter said:
    PaddyP17 said:
    Just bought myself some batting gloves and a new bat grip.

    I'm expecting my career average to soar to the heady heights of... erm, high single figures this year. Exciting times ahead.
    I'm making a comeback after a long time away from playing the game. Treated myself to a new bat grip and pleasingly was still able to put that on using a plastic carrier bag. I've done 2 nets sessions, my right shoulder has told me I will never be bowling spin again so I've been throwing down some underwhelming right arm slow to medium pace stuff to manage the agony and to my mind I've been batting ok. Footwork is all over the place, my head seems a lot heavier than it ever did and I'm having to wear glasses to see the ball but I am hitting it and defending ok

    The club I've attached myself to has a selection of dickheads and some decent blokes.

    I was being given batting advice by a 18 year old kid who would have been a tickle in his daddies nutbag when I was playing properly. I got sold a bit of a pup as the bloke who has brought me along has told them I used to be ok. Which is a lie, 15 years ago was the last time I played competitive cricket and I'm rusty as anything now. And I never played at a level beyond social men's cricket so I made a point of saying I hadn't played for ages and at least some of the younger very quick boys stopped trying to give me a fractured skull off each delivery! 

    We shall see how I go, bat grip is new but apart from that everything I have is old. Box and me most of all

    I made a very brief comeback to playing Cricket a couple of years back for my local club here in Brisbane when they were short.

    I went out to bat at 50-5 and their gobby keeper came straight out with, "Christ, look at the tits on this bloke."

    Now, to be fair, I was about 120Kgs at the time so he wasn't wrong but you can't have that so I came straight back at him with, "Why don't you ---- off back to the Caravan Park you ginger c---."

    For those not familiar with Australia, being accused of living in a Caravan Park is akin to being accused of living with lowest social dregs of society.

    Anyway, I was immediately pissed off and set about hanging about as long as I could and I was seeing it really well and even though they had some decent pace bowlers I was defending and leaving it really well but not scoring many runs.

    Up piped ginger bollocks from behind the stumps, "Haven't you got any shots tubby?"

    Sometimes the Lord smiles upon us and the next ball is a juicy half-volley which I smack down the ground for four.

    "How's that one carrot top? That what you're looking for?"

    By now the opposition skipper is getting right hump that I have hung around for about 90 minutes for a paltry seven runs so he brings on their part-time spinner who serves up the biggest load of filth ever and I end up smacking a waste-high full bunger straight back at him for a C&B.

    They had a right old chirp as I am walking off and you can't say anything without looking even more of a twat so you've just got to bide your time.

    Come the end of the day and they have to face about 15 overs and would you believe it but who's opening the batting but the ginger keeper.

    I decided to ignore the skippers advice and just go and stand at silly mid-off and just give it to him relentlessly about being a ginger and letting him know if he got out he was getting an almighty f------- send-off from me that he wouldn't forget in a hurry.

    I was never a sledger previously but decided to climb right into this bloke and the umpire just wanted to get to close of play so couldn't give a toss so let me get on with it.

    Sure enough our opening bowler, pretty decent to be fair, ends up sending down a sizzling yorker that sent his stumps flying to all parts.

    "Ha! ---- off ya ------- ginger ----! You're not so -------- brave now are you? F--- off back to your caravan you ----!"

    For some reason I never got invited back to play again.
    Definite report!
  • Leuth
    Leuth Posts: 23,315
    Mental disintegration: a case study
  • AshBurton
    AshBurton Posts: 1,142
    Great story. Never mind the sledging, a tale of scoring 7 runs in 90 minutes is more than enough to impress me.
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  • PaddyP17
    PaddyP17 Posts: 13,037
    AshBurton said:
    Great story. Never mind the sledging, a tale of scoring 7 runs in 90 minutes is more than enough to impress me.
    Thoroughly agreed. I'm still very proud of the 22 overs it took me to score 24 opening the batting against Roebucks in 2016, but this is even better.
  • Leuth
    Leuth Posts: 23,315
    Dear lord, we can all be happy I wasn't in your team for that 
  • PaddyP17
    PaddyP17 Posts: 13,037
    Leuth said:
    Dear lord, we can all be happy I wasn't in your team for that 
    We were 28-3 and a rebuild was in order! And Roebucks wiped the floor with most other sides that year. 

    https://oldcolfeians.play-cricket.com/website/results/2707460 
  • seth plum
    seth plum Posts: 53,448
    This thread almost makes life worth living
    Hope it never changes.
  • Addick Addict
    Addick Addict Posts: 39,789
    PaddyP17 said:
    AshBurton said:
    Great story. Never mind the sledging, a tale of scoring 7 runs in 90 minutes is more than enough to impress me.
    Thoroughly agreed. I'm still very proud of the 22 overs it took me to score 24 opening the batting against Roebucks in 2016, but this is even better.
    We wouldn't have doubted you had you chosen to embellish the story by proclaiming that, in the process, you saw off former England quickie Chris Lewis at one end and ex Essex opening bowler, David Thompson, at the other.
  • oohaahmortimer
    oohaahmortimer Posts: 34,145
    PaddyP17 said:
    Leuth said:
    Dear lord, we can all be happy I wasn't in your team for that 
    We were 28-3 and a rebuild was in order! And Roebucks wiped the floor with most other sides that year. 

    https://oldcolfeians.play-cricket.com/website/results/2707460 
    26 balls left to get 37 when final wicket went ffs 10 and 11 cost a memorable victory 
  • Addick Addict
    Addick Addict Posts: 39,789
    PaddyP17 said:
    Leuth said:
    Dear lord, we can all be happy I wasn't in your team for that 
    We were 28-3 and a rebuild was in order! And Roebucks wiped the floor with most other sides that year. 

    https://oldcolfeians.play-cricket.com/website/results/2707460 
    I bet their opener on the day had wished Play Cricket allowed enough characters for him to use his full name - Gary James Rebel Without A Cause Dean.

    Most of here will be too young to get that!
  • LenGlover
    LenGlover Posts: 31,651
    Addick Addict said:
    PaddyP17 said:
    Leuth said:
    Dear lord, we can all be happy I wasn't in your team for that 
    We were 28-3 and a rebuild was in order! And Roebucks wiped the floor with most other sides that year. 

    https://oldcolfeians.play-cricket.com/website/results/2707460 
    I bet their opener on the day had wished Play Cricket allowed enough characters for him to use his full name - Gary James Rebel Without A Cause Dean.

    Most of here will be too young to get that!
    Could you explain it to us youngsters?
  • PaddyP17
    PaddyP17 Posts: 13,037
    Addick Addict said:
    PaddyP17 said:
    Leuth said:
    Dear lord, we can all be happy I wasn't in your team for that 
    We were 28-3 and a rebuild was in order! And Roebucks wiped the floor with most other sides that year. 

    https://oldcolfeians.play-cricket.com/website/results/2707460 
    I bet their opener on the day had wished Play Cricket allowed enough characters for him to use his full name - Gary James Rebel Without A Cause Dean.

    Most of here will be too young to get that!
    Oh come ON, he's one of the most famous representatives of teenage rebellion! That's almost as obvious as when Leuth switches to leg spin for a delivery or two!
  • AshBurton
    AshBurton Posts: 1,142
    oohaahmortimer said:
    PaddyP17 said:
    Leuth said:
    Dear lord, we can all be happy I wasn't in your team for that 
    We were 28-3 and a rebuild was in order! And Roebucks wiped the floor with most other sides that year. 

    https://oldcolfeians.play-cricket.com/website/results/2707460 
    26 balls left to get 37 when final wicket went ffs 10 and 11 cost a memorable victory 
    Well, that’s a good point in theory, oohaah. I’ve never heard of number 10, but if number 9 batted above him, he probably hadn’t held a bat before. And number 11, dear Gethin, has a career average of 1.09 across 82 innings (despite 47 not outs).

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