Crikey, after 25 years in the work force where do you start with this one?
Probably the weirdest one was when I worked in a coffee wholesalers and there was a “serious incident” involving the receptionist and the warehouse manager.
They were always bickering about something or another, normally involving her calling in him all the way from the warehouse to take a call rather than take a message for him.
Anyway, one day this happens again and they start having a massive screaming match in reception and she storms out and says, “Right, I am going to fucking kill him.”
She was gone for about 10 minutes and then suddenly bursts through the main doors brandishing the biggest fucking hunting knife you’ve ever seen and starts heading for the warehouse.
When she gets in there he saw her coming towards him and jumped in the nearby forklift and starts accelerating away from her and towards the car park whilst she chased after him in her fucking mini skirt and high heels trying to shank him.
That was on the Friday afternoon and by the Monday morning they were both back at work like nothing had happened.....
Was the Benny Hill music playing in the background?
One of the guys at work used to drive a Robin Reliant and one day had an argument at Dartford Tunnel over price he had to pay as said 3 wheel vehicles should technically pay same as a motorbike.
Next time he drove through, he put on a crash helmet to emphasise his point.
For the best part of a decade, one of the senior managers in the finance team used to knock one out to granny porn in an open plan office with 120 colleagues.
What made it worse, his immediate team knew he was doing it. They were all too traumatised to alert HR.
He was finally escorted off the premises by security in late 2016. HR asked his team to clear out his desk and they came across all sorts. A diary/timetable of his almost daily liaisons with women from various websites, swingers parties and literally anything he could get his hands on, packets and packets of condoms, one of the girls jokes it was more like a family planning clinic, viagra, sex toys... HR made his team of 5 have counselling for 6 months.
For the best part of a decade, one of the senior managers in the finance team used to knock one out to granny porn in an open plan office with 120 colleagues.
What made it worse, his immediate team knew he was doing it. They were all too traumatised to alert HR.
He was finally escorted off the premises by security in late 2016. HR asked his team to clear out his desk and they came across all sorts. A diary/timetable of his almost daily liaisons with women from various websites, swingers parties and literally anything he could get his hands on, packets and packets of condoms, one of the girls jokes it was more like a family planning clinic, viagra, sex toys... HR made his team of 5 have counselling for 6 months.
For the best part of a decade, one of the senior managers in the finance team used to knock one out to granny porn in an open plan office with 120 colleagues.
What made it worse, his immediate team knew he was doing it. They were all too traumatised to alert HR.
He was finally escorted off the premises by security in late 2016. HR asked his team to clear out his desk and they came across all sorts. A diary/timetable of his almost daily liaisons with women from various websites, swingers parties and literally anything he could get his hands on, packets and packets of condoms, one of the girls jokes it was more like a family planning clinic, viagra, sex toys... HR made his team of 5 have counselling for 6 months.
He really didn’t seem the type.
Where is otto working now
I’ve moved in to dwarf Porn. It’s turned out to be very lucrative. I do need to get some more dwarfs on the books though, poor old @ElfsborgAddick is worn out all the time.
For the best part of a decade, one of the senior managers in the finance team used to knock one out to granny porn in an open plan office with 120 colleagues.
What made it worse, his immediate team knew he was doing it. They were all too traumatised to alert HR.
He was finally escorted off the premises by security in late 2016. HR asked his team to clear out his desk and they came across all sorts. A diary/timetable of his almost daily liaisons with women from various websites, swingers parties and literally anything he could get his hands on, packets and packets of condoms, one of the girls jokes it was more like a family planning clinic, viagra, sex toys... HR made his team of 5 have counselling for 6 months.
He really didn’t seem the type.
Where is otto working now
I’ve moved in to dwarf Porn. It’s turned out to be very lucrative. I do need to get some more dwarfs on the books though, poor old @ElfsborgAddick is worn out all the time.
Many years ago I worked in a timber yard. I worked alongside the bosses son, about the same age as me. We were always messing about when customers came in, mostly pretending to bum them when we were stood behind them. It's difficult trying to serve a customer when your mate is stood behind them looking like they are shagging them!
On one particular day we had just locked up for the night and the boss is trying to sort some materials out for the morning. His son was with him and while his Dad was trying to get some skirting board out he starts to pretend he is bumming him, knowing that I was watching from the office window. He knew there were no customers there and his Dad was now on all fours trying to reach this skirting board. He takes it a bit further and drops his pants and trousers and is really going for it behind his Dad. Trouble is, he didn't realise that his Mum was also in the office, she had come in at the end of work because they were all going somewhere together.
For the best part of a decade, one of the senior managers in the finance team used to knock one out to granny porn in an open plan office with 120 colleagues.
What made it worse, his immediate team knew he was doing it. They were all too traumatised to alert HR.
He was finally escorted off the premises by security in late 2016. HR asked his team to clear out his desk and they came across all sorts. A diary/timetable of his almost daily liaisons with women from various websites, swingers parties and literally anything he could get his hands on, packets and packets of condoms, one of the girls jokes it was more like a family planning clinic, viagra, sex toys... HR made his team of 5 have counselling for 6 months.
He really didn’t seem the type.
Where is otto working now
I’ve moved in to dwarf Porn. It’s turned out to be very lucrative. I do need to get some more dwarfs on the books though, poor old @ElfsborgAddick is worn out all the time.
I've worked on the tools, done an office job and gone back on the tools. I've worked with all manner of very odd people. I'm slightly reticent to post too much in case this ever gets used as evidence so I'll try and be as ambiguous as I can whilst leaving the key details in....
A guy who did the same job as me but in a different patch was a god fearing, church going apparently straight as a die. Without warning he was featured in the newspaper for using a camera hidden in a holdall to film up women's skirts. Amazingly he kept his job and got away with any serious punishment due to his previous good character.
I heard a rumour of two blokes tugging each other off and were seen by a member of the public doing so but got away with it as they claimed they were doing it on their lunch hour. I'm not convinced of the genuinety of that one though.
I've got some more that will need me to dedicate some time to fully flesh out and post
I've worked on the tools, done an office job and gone back on the tools. I've worked with all manner of very odd people. I'm slightly reticent to post too much in case this ever gets used as evidence so I'll try and be as ambiguous as I can whilst leaving the key details in....
A guy who did the same job as me but in a different patch was a god fearing, church going apparently straight as a die. Without warning he was featured in the newspaper for using a camera hidden in a holdall to film up women's skirts. Amazingly he kept his job and got away with any serious punishment due to his previous good character.
I heard a rumour of two blokes tugging each other off and were seen by a member of the public doing so but got away with it as they claimed they were doing it on their lunch hour. I'm not convinced of the genuinety of that one though.
I've got some more that will need me to dedicate some time to fully flesh out and post
How hard did you try and get on the same shift as the 2 blokes?
I've worked on the tools, done an office job and gone back on the tools. I've worked with all manner of very odd people. I'm slightly reticent to post too much in case this ever gets used as evidence so I'll try and be as ambiguous as I can whilst leaving the key details in....
A guy who did the same job as me but in a different patch was a god fearing, church going apparently straight as a die. Without warning he was featured in the newspaper for using a camera hidden in a holdall to film up women's skirts. Amazingly he kept his job and got away with any serious punishment due to his previous good character.
I heard a rumour of two blokes tugging each other off and were seen by a member of the public doing so but got away with it as they claimed they were doing it on their lunch hour. I'm not convinced of the genuinety of that one though.
I've got some more that will need me to dedicate some time to fully flesh out and post
I worked with a cleaner back in my customer service days, who was a proper odd ball. Whistled/sang operatic tunes all day long (including at the top of his voice when the restaurant was packed), randomly did tricep dips/lunges etc all over the restaurant (also whilst full). This was all in between bouts of trying to sell the benefits of Dianetics to anyone that was within earshot.
He did a number of things that stand out but these two are probably the highlights.
He was obsessive over women. Buying them gifts if they smiled at him/helped him in the smallest of ways. Anyway, he turns up outside the female manager's house one night singing outside her window. Romantic, you might say. Except for the fact that he was stark bollock naked and she had never told him where she lived.
On another occasion, once again in a full restaurant, he comes out to the dessert area (bang in the centre of the restaurant), opens the fridge, grabs a pint of double cream, takes off the lid and downs it in one. We are talking cream dripping down his face here. Then he walks out of the restaurant.
He got sacked shortly after for picking the manager up by the neck in the middle of a shift for not promoting him.
How he lasted over year doing all this crap is beyond me.
He didn't get the sack for standing outside a colleagues house stark naked?! Bloody liberals..
They very rarely sacked people. We had a chef at one of the branches who lied when he got the job saying he had been head chef at a branch before etc. Turned up and knew nothing.
He was terrible from the start and never got any better even following extensive training. He turned up late, made all the food wrong and the worst thing of all was that he was really sweaty. You could see sweat dripping off his face onto the food. Gross gross man.
They could have sacked him for many things and never did. They only got rid because he just stopped turning up for work. Even then it took them 3 months to sack him.
Then a month later he had the cheek to come in for a meal. Some people...
apparently to upset her boss, the office junior seduced the bloke her boss really fancied and insisted they do it on her boss's desk one afternoon after everybody else had gone home but to keep it a secret so she didn't seem like a slag to everybody else, never quite explained how that was supposed to upset her boss tho...
At what point did her plan to keep this strictly and confidential fall apart so that everyone now knows?
the lucky chap kept his side of the bargain for years and only shared this synopsis with me after all concerned had moved on to pastures new
I once disassembled my mates bike right down to the last nut and bolt, put in in a large sack and stuck it under his desk. My colleagues told me he wouldn’t find it funny but I thought he would. They were correct, he was livid. Anyway he was a Palarse supporter so I thought he was fair game to be wound up.
I did exactly the same thing with my nan's wheelchair.
At a factory where I worked back in the 1980’s a foreman there made the news of the world Sunday paper. He was paying prostitutes with £5 notes that were forged. Obviously the top one was a real one and the rest photocopies. A pretty low thing to do to the women he used. Anyway no one ever asked him for change of a 20.
One of the janitors where I worked used to piss on a pile of scrap metal behind our building, so one of our electricians wired the pile with quite a few volts, got him good.
When I worked at Lloyds, one of the guys went out after work mid week and got hammered. Went back into the office for a shit and fell asleep on the bog. Woke up in the morning, wiped his arse then started work.
Thanks, reminded on a Lloyd’s inspector that used to regularly witness pressure tests, Always was thorough, until he decide that doing a parachute jump was more fun than witnessing my pressure test. He left it to me to do it for him, plant was theeoughly pressure tested, we got the certificate through with his bill, which caused me to chuckle.
Next pressure test was on a live site, and had to be done at midnight, so be kind we laid on a few to many beers and a takeaway, to cut a long story short, we all got drunk and passed out in the site hut, plant never did have a pressure test. Woke up next morning and left site. Got our signed certificate through and a bill for all night working, I chuckled as I got paid double time for working all night, plus put take away and beer on my expensives, which I got paid for.
not a colleague but I deal with lots of NHS patients 99 percent being foreign nationals (I assess entitlement to free NHS hospital treatment). I had one lady turn up and I checked her documents and confirmed any treatment she received would be free of charge. That's quite standard nothing to report there. Only next thing she starts unbuttoning her blouse. I go bright, in a raised voice no stop and wave my hands like a maniac.
At the time I worked in the same building as the 2 week wait breast team, I raced round grabbed one of them and it turned out they could not reach her by phone the only contact from the hospital she had was mwah. She genuinely thought I was the doctor checking her documents before checking her breasts. The team booked her in the next morning and she got the all clear.
About 5 years ago I was in a team meeting to talk over our staff survey results. There were probably two questions in the whole thing where someone gave a negative answer. My manager was upset at that though. Putting his hand on his heart he said "...and you can tell I'm affected, because my voice is changing."
Another time the same manager was caught outside our office door trying to listen in to what was being said about him.
One day he came into our office singing Eric the half a bee.
He was a massive Doctor Who fan and showed me a photo of the blue toast he made. I think his wife also knitted a Doctor Who scarf.
The manager he shared his office with had a husband that was a photographer. She brought in a white Dalek prop for him to borrow. An email later went around all staff stating that there was a white Dalek in reception. He had left it there when signing in his office keys. From what I heard the manager that brought it in was very embarrassed.
More awkward with a hint of David Brent than anything. He even had the same beard.
not a colleague but I deal with lots of NHS patients 99 percent being foreign nationals (I assess entitlement to free NHS hospital treatment). I had one lady turn up and I checked her documents and confirmed any treatment she received would be free of charge. That's quite standard nothing to report there. Only next thing she starts unbuttoning her blouse. I go bright, in a raised voice no stop and wave my hands like a maniac.
At the time I worked in the same building as the 2 week wait breast team, I raced round grabbed one of them and it turned out they could not reach her by phone the only contact from the hospital she had was mwah. She genuinely thought I was the doctor checking her documents before checking her breasts. The team booked her in the next morning and she got the all clear.
Another story from me and it's another Gross story ... when I first started work back in 1976, I worked for a stationery company in Bermondsey. Most of the workforce were local so as you can appreciate they were largely rough and ready and, as an aside, supported Millwall. Anyway, we had a staff canteen which was very popular. In the morning you could get your cheese roll at break and at lunchtime they dished a very nice cooked lunch at a reasonable price. The canteen was always packed on a Wednesday because it was midweek roast and on Friday for Fish and Chips. On this particular Wednesday, my mate and I were late getting to the canteen and by the time we'd collected our food, there were only two spaces available sitting opposite Len* from data processing. We sat down to eat our lunch and Len was chatting to us. Anyway, to cut a long story short, Without any form of warning, Len let out this almighty sneeze and this great big dollop of snot landed slap bang in the middle of my mate's roast dinner. Len's response to this was to say sorry about that, get out his hanky, wipe the snot of the roast dinner and continue chatting to us as if nothing had happened. I was peeing myself laughing along with everyone else sitting around us. But my mate wasn't too impressed. I guess that's what most Bermondsey boys did back in the day ... Some people
One of the guys at work used to drive a Robin Reliant and one day had an argument at Dartford Tunnel over price he had to pay as said 3 wheel vehicles should technically pay same as a motorbike.
Next time he drove through, he put on a crash helmet to emphasise his point.
Remember a similar incident with another funny fella I used to work with. He had a Small Ford Escort van and used to argue the toss at the tunnel that he should be paying the car charge and not the van one.
Came into work one day with two bloody great holes badly sawn out of either side panel at the rear and covered them in cling film to emulate windows!
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Next time he drove through, he put on a crash helmet to emphasise his point.
All of a sudden we worked with a Mr Karl-Heinz Rummenige !!!
What made it worse, his immediate team knew he was doing it. They were all too traumatised to alert HR.
He was finally escorted off the premises by security in late 2016. HR asked his team to clear out his desk and they came across all sorts. A diary/timetable of his almost daily liaisons with women from various websites, swingers parties and literally anything he could get his hands on, packets and packets of condoms, one of the girls jokes it was more like a family planning clinic, viagra, sex toys... HR made his team of 5 have counselling for 6 months.
He really didn’t seem the type.
On one particular day we had just locked up for the night and the boss is trying to sort some materials out for the morning. His son was with him and while his Dad was trying to get some skirting board out he starts to pretend he is bumming him, knowing that I was watching from the office window. He knew there were no customers there and his Dad was now on all fours trying to reach this skirting board. He takes it a bit further and drops his pants and trousers and is really going for it behind his Dad. Trouble is, he didn't realise that his Mum was also in the office, she had come in at the end of work because they were all going somewhere together.
We didn't do much 'bumming' after that.
A guy who did the same job as me but in a different patch was a god fearing, church going apparently straight as a die. Without warning he was featured in the newspaper for using a camera hidden in a holdall to film up women's skirts. Amazingly he kept his job and got away with any serious punishment due to his previous good character.
I heard a rumour of two blokes tugging each other off and were seen by a member of the public doing so but got away with it as they claimed they were doing it on their lunch hour. I'm not convinced of the genuinety of that one though.
I've got some more that will need me to dedicate some time to fully flesh out and post
He was young and not fussy what he did so he ended up working in McDonald's at Bromley.
He came home one day and said that he went to go the rest room for his break and could hear screaming going on so he got the manager to go in.
The manager walks in and find this couple having it off, they did not even get the sack!!!!!!!
He was terrible from the start and never got any better even following extensive training. He turned up late, made all the food wrong and the worst thing of all was that he was really sweaty. You could see sweat dripping off his face onto the food. Gross gross man.
They could have sacked him for many things and never did. They only got rid because he just stopped turning up for work. Even then it took them 3 months to sack him.
Then a month later he had the cheek to come in for a meal. Some people...
No sense of humour some people.
Anyway no one ever asked him for change of a 20.
Next pressure test was on a live site, and had to be done at midnight, so be kind we laid on a few to many beers and a takeaway, to cut a long story short, we all got drunk and passed out in the site hut, plant never did have a pressure test. Woke up next morning and left site. Got our signed certificate through and a bill for all night working, I chuckled as I got paid double time for working all night, plus put take away and beer on my expensives, which I got paid for.
At the time I worked in the same building as the 2 week wait breast team, I raced round grabbed one of them and it turned out they could not reach her by phone the only contact from the hospital she had was mwah. She genuinely thought I was the doctor checking her documents before checking her breasts. The team booked her in the next morning and she got the all clear.
Another time the same manager was caught outside our office door trying to listen in to what was being said about him.
One day he came into our office singing Eric the half a bee.
He was a massive Doctor Who fan and showed me a photo of the blue toast he made. I think his wife also knitted a Doctor Who scarf.
The manager he shared his office with had a husband that was a photographer. She brought in a white Dalek prop for him to borrow. An email later went around all staff stating that there was a white Dalek in reception. He had left it there when signing in his office keys. From what I heard the manager that brought it in was very embarrassed.
More awkward with a hint of David Brent than anything. He even had the same beard.
* Name changed to protect the identity of Len
He had a Small Ford Escort van and used to argue the toss at the tunnel that he should be paying the car charge and not the van one.
Came into work one day with two bloody great holes badly sawn out of either side panel at the rear and covered them in cling film to emulate windows!