Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night, so I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" I asked.
"£100 per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said, but didn't follow up on his offer.
Six months later I met the doctor on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well," I replied, "£100 a visit, three times a week for a year, is £15,600. A bartender cured me for £10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new car."
With a bit of an attitude he said, "Is that so? And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."
My Mrs kept complaining on and on, every month about her period pains! “You men just don’t know what it’s like. You’d be in agony if you had to go through it “ One day I said “love.... can’t you take something for it?” “Like what “ she snapped “How about a VOW OF SILENCE “
Two good ol' boys in an Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking over a cold beer one afternoon after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.
After a while, the first guy says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God, hurry!" she exclaimed. "Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window," her boyfriend responds. "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes," he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes," our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run, get in my car and go straight home."
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope," comes the reply, "only when it's raining."
Comments
They were Goodyears..
"Now pay attention, 007!
This might look like an ordinary pen...
But turn it upside down and you can see her tits!"
He replied, "England to win the World Cup."
I’ve a hunch it could be me.
“Do you want to see how far I can kick this bucket?”
He was useless.
Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.
They were having a mid life crisis.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" I asked.
"£100 per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said, but didn't follow up on his offer.
Six months later I met the doctor on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well," I replied, "£100 a visit, three times a week for a year, is £15,600. A bartender cured me for £10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new car."
With a bit of an attitude he said, "Is that so? And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."
It's always better to get a second opinion.
The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."
The guys replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."
The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?"
And the guy says, "Your light was on."
“You men just don’t know what it’s like. You’d be in agony if you had to go through it “
One day I said “love.... can’t you take something for it?”
“Like what “ she snapped
“How about a VOW OF SILENCE “
After a while, the first guy says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
Sure enough, a mile later at the side of the road was Diane Abbott with no knickers on, lifting her skirt.
'Ring sting?' says my girlfriend.
'How the feck will he know?', I said.
"Yes we do," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes it does," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can if I take two," he replied.
I was staring at her breasts when she said, "Would you please press 1?" So I did!
"Oh my God, hurry!" she exclaimed. "Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window," her boyfriend responds. "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes," he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes," our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run, get in my car and go straight home."
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope," comes the reply, "only when it's raining."
Down the M4
It’s shift work