A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says,"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your references are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry, we can't hire you."
"But wait," the man says. "When I take two aspirin, I stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!" says the interviewer.
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," says the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"
"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" says the applicant.
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" asks the interviewer.
"Oh, that," the applicant sighs, "Have you ever walked into a chemist, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
I feel like I should apologise for this in advance but it made me chuckle.
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman: ‘Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?’ The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.’ The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down. The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman’. The barman says, ‘I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..’. The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, ‘We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.’ The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, ‘Are you sure I will like it?’ The masses’ bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says, ‘Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you’ll love it.’ ‘Ok’, says the rabbit, ‘I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.’ The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves…. ..NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!! One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, ‘Who are you?’, to which he is answered, ‘I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.’ The barman says, ‘I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.’ The rabbit says, ‘Yes I know.’ The barman said, ‘I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.’ The rabbit said, ‘Yes, you promised me that I would love it.’ The barman said, ‘You never came back, what happened?’ ‘I DIED’, said the rabbit. ‘NO!’ said the barman. ‘What from?’ After a short pause. The rabbit said… ‘Mixin-me-toasties.’
I feel like I should apologise for this in advance but it made me chuckle.
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman: ‘Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?’ The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.’ The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down. The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman’. The barman says, ‘I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..’. The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, ‘We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.’ The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, ‘Are you sure I will like it?’ The masses’ bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says, ‘Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you’ll love it.’ ‘Ok’, says the rabbit, ‘I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.’ The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves…. ..NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!! One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, ‘Who are you?’, to which he is answered, ‘I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.’ The barman says, ‘I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.’ The rabbit says, ‘Yes I know.’ The barman said, ‘I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.’ The rabbit said, ‘Yes, you promised me that I would love it.’ The barman said, ‘You never came back, what happened?’ ‘I DIED’, said the rabbit. ‘NO!’ said the barman. ‘What from?’ After a short pause. The rabbit said… ‘Mixin-me-toasties.’
Sounds like the type of story Denis Norden or Frank Muir would tell at the end of "My Word" radio show way back when.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter, she said. '"Just get out."
A man got on a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful woman.
The puzzled woman kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, the man explained, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the woman continued to look at him, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z" Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it? the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that a blonde secretary was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon" When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."
Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. It read "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £3.00 each, Trousers £4.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at these prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in, you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."
"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mout shut, so I will. You do all da business," said Mick.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £3.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £4.50 each. And I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
Wife--"Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon."
Husband --"I'm so sorry Honey...but you probably don't want to hear the reason."
Wife--"I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"
Husband--"Fine. We finished in under 4 hours; a quick beer in the Clubhouse. I hopped into the car, and would have been here by 12 noon but on the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire.
I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refuse it, then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton and begs me to stop by so she can buy me a beer She's such a sweetie, I said yes.
Before you know it, one beer turned into three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other.
Then she tells me she has a room right there at the Sheraton, less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand.
Now I'm in her room...clothes are flying...the talking stopped and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it, the clock says 5:30. I jump up, throw my clothes on, run to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth... You got it.
Wife--"Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn't you?"
Comments
"But wait," the man says. "When I take two aspirin, I stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!" says the interviewer.
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," says the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"
"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" says the applicant.
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" asks the interviewer.
"Oh, that," the applicant sighs, "Have you ever walked into a chemist, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman:
‘Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?’
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the
toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.’
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, ‘A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman’.
The barman says, ‘I’m sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties..’.
The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, ‘We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.’ The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, ‘Are you sure I will like it?’
The masses’ bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, ‘Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you’ll
love it.’
‘Ok’, says the rabbit, ‘I’ll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.’
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves….
..NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, ‘Who are you?’, to which he is answered, ‘I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.’
The barman says, ‘I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.’
The rabbit says, ‘Yes I know.’
The barman said, ‘I remember, on your last night we didn’t have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.’
The rabbit said, ‘Yes, you promised me that I would love it.’
The barman said, ‘You never came back, what happened?’
‘I DIED’, said the rabbit.
‘NO!’ said the barman. ‘What from?’
After a short pause. The rabbit said…
‘Mixin-me-toasties.’
" Doc. I think the wife's dead."
Doctor: " Good god. What makes you think that?"
Man: " Well, the sex is still the same but the washing's piling up!"
'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said,
'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said,
'About 3 hours.'
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said,
'About an hour and a half .
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Ere, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.
'A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, pissing himself with laughter.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'
How do you get 2 elephants in a mini?
1 in the front and 1 in the back.
Then the whales question.
Anyway, I'm planning to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Nor is this.
I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize.
But at least it's trying to be a joke.
It said
Monday-Gregg
Tuesday-Ian
Wednesday-Gregg
Thursday-Ian
Friday-Gregg
Saturday-Ian
Sunday-Gregg
Must be a Gregorian Calender
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter, she said. '"Just get out."
The puzzled woman kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, the man explained, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the woman continued to look at him, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
I've turned my life around.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: C Z W I X N O S T A C Z"
Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it? the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
blonde secretary was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLondon"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and
said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."
Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at these prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in, you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."
"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mout shut, so I will. You do all da business," said Mick.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £3.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £4.50 each. And I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a Dry Cleaners."
"You only ever want sex when you're drunk"
Husband says;
"That’s not true... sometimes I want a kebab"
They’re doing 4
‘Knights in Prestatyn ‘!
Anywhere else, it would've been called a teethbrush.
Wife--"Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon."
Husband --"I'm so sorry Honey...but you probably don't want to hear the reason."
Wife--"I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"
Husband--"Fine. We finished in under 4 hours; a quick beer in the
Clubhouse. I hopped into the car, and would have been here by 12 noon
but on the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire.
I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I
refuse it, then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton
and begs me to stop by so she can buy me a beer She's such a sweetie,
I said yes.
Before you know it, one beer turned into three or four, and I guess we
were looking pretty good to each other.
Then she tells me she has a room right there at the Sheraton, less
than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while
pulling me by the hand.
Now I'm in her room...clothes are flying...the talking stopped and we
proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on
for hours, because before I know it, the clock says 5:30. I jump up,
throw my clothes on, run to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted
the truth... You got it.
Wife--"Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn't you?"