For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
Mother in the kitchen listening happily to five year old playing in the lounge with a train set. She hears him say "Choo Choo". "Train arriving at platform four. All passengers please hurry the fuck up and get off". " C'mon folk s we've got a fucking timetable to keep here, move your arses", "Choo choo". She runs in, smacks him on the bum and sends him upstairs. Two hours later he comes downstairs looking a little sheepish and apologizes. Mum lets him go back in to play. Ten minutes later she's contentedly listening when she hears "Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. Thank you for choosing to travel with us tonight. We hope you enjoy your journey. Please take a seat at your leisure. We apologize for the two hour delay to tonight's services. This is due to the fat fucking cow in the kitchen".
A man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower. The young assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers.The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,
"Some prick out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Glasgow , sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave glasgow?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Glasgow."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
Sean Connery was interviewed on TV, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Kylie said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with an older man.
Let’s go back to my place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex.
But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand."
Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.
Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet.
But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my dick in your right hand."
Kylie is now used to the routine and complies.
The results are mind blowing. Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?"
Sean replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a bird from Australia , she stole my wallet!
Comments
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,
He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
“Steady love” I said “you’ll need that in the morning to see the kids across the road”.
By the end of it we were all singing Hey Jude.
"Don't touch the pack, we'll be right back!"
Funniest joke at the Edinburgh fringe has just been announced........
"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".
Edit: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-49389208
Nope they just picked the worst one!!
am I right?