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Has the Jokes thread disappeared?
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Breaking News....
Devon and Cornwall have cancelled their planned joint '60s & '70s retro music festival after a row over whether to put The Jam or Cream on first
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Just in Blackpool, saw a guy & woman shouting then fighting. A copper turned up but instead of calming things down he starts twatting the guy with a baton! The guy gets the baton and starts hitting the copper AND his wife! Then this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages.
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German Shepherds is a strange name for a writer.Swindon_Addick said:1 -
My next door neighbour just knocked at my door with her dinner in her hands.
With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having.
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I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home I'd just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.16 -
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Look how close that asteroid came to hitting the visitor centre.8 -
The best part is that this isn’t even a joke 🤣🤣
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A mummy calls a restaurant.
"Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the Pharaoh Sakraphotep the First".
"Could you spell it out please?"
"Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackals head and a scarab".
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I was having a conversation with my friend about his theory that the moon landings were faked.
I give him a concerned look.
I say "You believe in the moon?!"2 -
Gravity is really important as a fundamental force of nature.
If you get rid of it you get gravy.7 -
A man walks into a bar and orders a pint. While the barman is pouring, the Man takes a small person out of his right pocket and places him on the bar then takes a very small piano out of his left pocket and places that on the bar. The Small person proceeds to play the piano beautifully. The Barman says where did you get that? The man replied there’s a genie down the road giving out wishes. With that the barman runs out the door only to return 10 minutes later surrounded by ducks. Did you see the Genie asked the man. The barman replied yes I did hes bloody useless. I asked for 1 million bucks and look what I got!!The man said well I think he may be a bit deaf…… do you really think I’d asked for a 12 inch pianist5
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Second, or is it the third, time we’ve had that on here?Taxi_Lad said:A man walks into a bar and orders a pint. While the barman is pouring, the Man takes a small person out of his right pocket and places him on the bar then takes a very small piano out of his left pocket and places that on the bar. The Small person proceeds to play the piano beautifully. The Barman says where did you get that? The man replied there’s a genie down the road giving out wishes. With that the barman runs out the door only to return 10 minutes later surrounded by ducks. Did you see the Genie asked the man. The barman replied yes I did hes bloody useless. I asked for 1 million bucks and look what I got!!The man said well I think he may be a bit deaf…… do you really think I’d asked for a 12 inch pianist1 -
My wife just left me. She says she is sick of life always revolving around football.
I’m quite upset, we were together for seven seasons.13 -
How do French football fans like their coffee?
Au lait, au lait au lait au lait.7 -
This is a Danish McDonald’s. Is that a free hj with every portion of fries?
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I would send them back, not cooked!.AddicksAddict said:This is a Danish McDonald’s. Is that a free hj with every portion of fries?4 -
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My wife was moaning at me for taking over the TV whilst 'Love Island' was on. I was watching the Switzerland Qatar match."I bet you can't even name 3 Qatar players" she said.I replied "Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix & Hank Marvin"!14
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“My girlfriend left me to go to a Croatian city.”
“Split?”
“I think we have.”
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I've called the spider in my bedroom cotton eyed joe, where did he come from? where did he go?3
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The Manager of John O'Groats FC has quit after a heavy defeat away at Lands end FC. He said he's taken the team as far as they could go.17
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You should always say yes to a quick 30 minute drink with friends as that 90 minutes could be the best 4 hours you've had for ages.6
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I trained a spider to walk up the walls on command. Then I pulled its legs off and it didn’t go anywhere. Which proved that spiders go deaf when they have no legs.red10 said:I've called the spider in my bedroom cotton eyed joe, where did he come from? where did he go?3 -
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Page of the Metro this morning. I couldn’t tell if it was an article or the menu for my local Japanese restaurant.
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Apparently, if Switzerland wins the World Cup, there will be free cheese for everyone.
If France wins, free wine!
If Germany wins, free schnitzels.
Vamos Colombia!2
