Boy meets girl in a nightclub. The customary rituals are observed, but before too long it is bodice-ripping time, back at his place. The girl enters the bedroom with half her clothes already back in the entrance hall. She is somewhat taken aback to see rows and rows of cuddly teddy bears of different shapes and sizes arranged on a large dresser along one wall of the bedroom. She says nothing, partly because her mouth is occupied, and partly because the air is thick with the sound of clothes being hastily discarded. The usual carnal exchange occurs, and the couple sink back exhausted onto the pillows.
the girl is crass enough to ask “How was it?”
the bloke replies, “Pick any toy from the bottom shelf”
All true facts (so I’m told!) My particular favourite is number 9.
1. In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb.'
2. Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...
Ladies Forbidden'... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
3. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander the Great,
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
4.
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'
5.
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink.
Mead
is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period
was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
6. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts...
So in old England, when customers got unruly, the pub owner would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
7.
Many years ago in England, pub regulars had a
whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they
needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.
'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
8.
In 1696, William III of England introduced a property tax that required
those living in houses with more than six windows to pay a levy. In
order to avoid the tax, house owners would brick up all windows except
six. (The Window Tax lasted until 1851, and older houses with bricked-up
windows are still a common sight in the U.K.) As the bricked-up windows
prevented some rooms from receiving any sunlight, the tax was referred
to as “daylight robbery”!
9.
Since 1962, Spurs fans have said they are going to win the league at
the start of every football season, hence the phrase ‘deluded twats’.
I thought Spurs always won the FA Cup when the first a last digit of the year was the same and the two middle numbers are upside down from one another.
A man joins the crew of a ship. After a few days he gets restless and asks “What does one do about sex round here?”..
The others direct him to a large gun barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the day after.
Then he asks “Can I do this every day?”
”Yes, every day except Wednesday”
””Why not on Wednesday?”
”Because Wednesday is YOUR turn inside the barrel”
Three guys go to a strip club joint. The young woman on stage, wearing only a thong and a smile, comes up to the first guy a d performs her dance for him. He takes out $100 and slaps it on her right cheek. It sticks.
Then she proceeds to the second guy and does the same dance. The second guy takes out $100 and slaps it on her left cheek. It sticks.
She then goes to the third guy and performs her dance. The third guy pulls out his wallet, only to realise that he does not have any cash. So he takes out his credit card, swipes it between her cheeks and takes the $200.
"The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” is like saying “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now.”
"The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” is like saying “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now.”
Talking about parachutes my uncle Len was a para during WW2. Upon enlistment he was of course kitted out with a uniform and various pieces of equipment. All went well, until the quartermaster responsible for active operations equipment handed him over his parachute and with a wry grin said......”If it doesn’t work bring it back and we’ll change it.”
Comments
the girl is crass enough to ask “How was it?”
the bloke replies, “Pick any toy from the bottom shelf”
A man joins the crew of a ship. After a few days he gets restless and asks “What does one do about sex round here?”..
The others direct him to a large gun barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the day after.
Then he asks “Can I do this every day?”
”Yes, every day except Wednesday”
””Why not on Wednesday?”
”Because Wednesday is YOUR turn inside the barrel”
She's pretty frail and her body is shaking uncontrollably.
"Excuse me son" she says to the fella behind the counter "Do you know anything about vibrators?"
"Yes madam" he says "here we have the smallest of our collection" he pulls out a small purple device.
"No that's not it" she replies, her teeth chattering as she speaks.
" Ok. Here is our mid range" he pulls out a fair size white tool covered in bumps and nobbly bits.
"No. That's not the one" she says, struggling to stay on her feet.
"Ok madam. Here is the very largest of our collection. The black mamba" and out he lifts a huge todger that just about fits on the desk!
"That's the one!" She says.
"How do you turn them off?"
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream "prejudice' these days ...
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage???"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish???"
The guy , clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian???
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German???
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish???
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican???
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish???"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish???"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
Then she proceeds to the second guy and does the same dance. The second guy takes out $100 and slaps it on her left cheek. It sticks.
She then goes to the third guy and performs her dance. The third guy pulls out his wallet, only to realise that he does not have any cash. So he takes out his credit card, swipes it between her cheeks and takes the $200.
A man comes in, asks for grass seed.
‘Thank you v much, I would,’ he replied.
The next man comes to the counter, and the boss pushes the new fella forward to serve.
Certainly sir, would you like a lawnmower with that?’
’ Why would i want a lawnmower,’ customer says?
‘Well your weekends fucked, you might as well cut the grass.’
Upon enlistment he was of course kitted out with a uniform and various pieces of equipment.
All went well, until the quartermaster responsible for active operations equipment handed him over his parachute and with a wry grin said......”If it doesn’t work bring it back and we’ll change it.”
(That's a joke by the way).