A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
Bob died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Steve and Simon, were sent for. Steve went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Steve said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Steve looked and said "Nope, it ain't Bob."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Simon in to identify the body.
Simon took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Simon looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bob."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Simon said, "Well, Bob had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?!" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bob with those two arseholes....'"
A mate of mine was telling me that he has come up with some new sex positions during the lock down. Yesterday him and his missus tried the 'Hermes' position where you stay in all day and nobody comes. Tomorrow they are going for the 'DPD', that's the one where you don't have to stay in all day but you do get to stick it in the wrong door.
Comments
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
To say hello from the other side.
Because it's necks weak (next week).
"For pity's sake Alexa, I said CHEESES!"
Bob died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Steve and Simon, were sent for. Steve went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Steve said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Steve looked and said "Nope, it ain't Bob."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Simon in to identify the body.
Simon took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Simon looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bob."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Simon said, "Well, Bob had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?!" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bob with those two arseholes....'"
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him go faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
20 THINGS YOU CAN ONLY GET AWAY WITH SAYING AT CHRISTMAS!
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
Ha ha! It took a little while ;-)
An Archibshop and a priest sitting opposite each other on the train, both doing crosswords.
The Archbishop says "Can you help me old boy? - Four letters ending in K, a popular method of intercourse"
The Priest looks over his paper and says "Talk".
"Excellent" said the Archbishop, "Have you got a rubber I can borrow?"
The priest says to him "I'm stuck on this one, also four letters, eding UNT, the clue is strictly feminine".
"Aunt" replies the Archbishop.
"Brilliant" says the priest, "Can I have the rubber back".
Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children?
Because he only comes once a year, and that's down the chimney.
An old communist, Rudolph, and his wife, Olga, are walking through Stalingrad when they feel a slight precipitation.
"It's raining" says the old man.
"it's snowing" says his wife.
To save having an argument, Rudolph says "Let's ask this political officer, he'll know".
"It's definitely raining" says the commissar.
"I told you. You should remember", says the old man. "Rudolph the red knows rain, dear".