Went to the gym yesterday and discovered a hole in my trainer just big enough to get a finger in. At first she liked it, but then she reported me and now I'm barred.
Just for some context, according to the Washington Post fact checker "in 1,316 days President Trump has made 22,247 false or misleading claims". Jesus would have to anchor himself to his chair. August 11th was a biggie. 189 lies in one day. You wonder how he manages to keep coming up with this bullshit.
Just thought I'd nip over to my Nan's, and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up, cobwebs and insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.
She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer...I'll pop back next year......
Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.
Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe".
Puzzled at first Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Great from beginning to end".
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the card read: "Rothmans".
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.. the third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand.
Mum waited for a week,
Nothing.
Another week went by and still nothing.
A month passed; still nothing.
A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand ".
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'
Two couples go on their honeymoons to the same resort. The two women, one from each couple, get to know each other on the flight out and decide to discuss over breakfast how much sex they had the night before but so their partners don't twig they agree to call it performances.
So, 10am the next morning, all four sitting down for breakfast, the first woman says there were five great performances on the TV last nigh. The other says they saw four performances a dress rehearsal, which confuses the first woman.
Later on, sitting by the pool, the first woman asks the other what she meant by the dress rehearsal. The second says it's like a performance but nobody comes.
An 93 year old British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport a stern looking French woman asked if he had been to France before.
He admitted he had indeed been previously. The lady sarcastically said "then you should know to have your passport out and waiting sir."
The gentleman said" I didn't have to show it last time."
"Impossible!" The woman said, "you British have always had to show your passports to get through here!"
The man responded by whispering,"Well when I came ashore on the beach on D day in 1944, I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to"!
An 93 year old British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport a stern looking French woman asked if he had been to France before.
He admitted he had indeed been previously. The lady sarcastically said "then you should know to have your passport out and waiting sir."
The gentleman said" I didn't have to show it last time."
"Impossible!" The woman said, "you British have always had to show your passports to get through here!"
The man responded by whispering,"Well when I came ashore on the beach on D day in 1944, I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to"!
A bit like the old German bloke I met on the Eurostar from Brussels to London. When I asked if he'd been to London before, he said yes, but he wouldn't recognise it very well because he'd only seen it from the air at night.
Few years back at a music festival had a very convivial afternoon, few too many beers, bunch of us adjourned to the campsite for blunts and bourbon and I struck up a rapport with a charming slim rather tall woman called Paula. Convivial plus weed plus Jim Beam saw Paula and I vigorously intimately acquainted in my tent as the sun set over the main stage. As I drifted off in a haze of endorphins, thc and exhaustion I was aware that Paula was gently cupping and fondling my (now empty) balls. Few hours later when I awoke, I could feel that Paula was again/still oh so gently playing with the family jewels. Ever the gentleman, I summoned up the blood, rose to the careful inducement and delivered a dawn encore to the sundown session. After which I complemented Paula on her tender scrotal attentions. "Glad you liked it," she said "I'm still really nostalgic for mine..."
Two wildlife photographers are out in Africa looking for a suitable subject matter. Suddenly a huge male lion jumps out in front of them and standing on its hind legs stands up producing the most enormous hard on. The two photographers are frozen in fright......slowly but surely one of them reaches down into his rucksack and pulls out a pair of Nike trainers......which he sets about putting on. ”There’s no point in that” says the other photographer “ You can’t possibly out run him.” “ I know that......I’m just making sure I can out run you.”
Every joke on here been posted multi times before, close this poxy thread.
No. Firstly, I cannot remember yesterday so every joke is fresh Secondly, miserable bastards never get them anyway Thirdly, it is not compulsory to open the thread.
I met a girl last night and we finished up going back to mine for a few drinks. Things progressed nicely following which we went upstairs to the bedroom.
As we were stripping off a voice came out of the bed saying "I hope that's not the fat bird from last week"
A bus broke down, and the driver set about fixing it himself. After a while the passengers were getting restless, so the conductor went to check. "Do you want a screwdriver?" he asked, and the driver replied "No, we're ten minutes late as it is."
Another one of his ' I was walking along a very narrow cliff path and this rather large lady was walking towards me, I didn't know whether to block her passage or toss myself off'.
Comments
So, 10am the next morning, all four sitting down for breakfast, the first woman says there were five great performances on the TV last nigh. The other says they saw four performances a dress rehearsal, which confuses the first woman.
Later on, sitting by the pool, the first woman asks the other what she meant by the dress rehearsal. The second says it's like a performance but nobody comes.
Me: "Helping to serve food & drinks to the homeless, unemployed, alchoholics & drug addict's"
Mate: "Great effort, is it for charity?"
Me: "No, Weatherspoons"
An 93 year old British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport a stern looking French woman asked if he had been to France before.
The man responded by whispering,"Well when I came ashore on the beach on D day in 1944, I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to"!
This is also the reason why I'm banned from Waterstones!
Convivial plus weed plus Jim Beam saw Paula and I vigorously intimately acquainted in my tent as the sun set over the main stage. As I drifted off in a haze of endorphins, thc and exhaustion I was aware that Paula was gently cupping and fondling my (now empty) balls. Few hours later when I awoke, I could feel that Paula was again/still oh so gently playing with the family jewels. Ever the gentleman, I summoned up the blood, rose to the careful inducement and delivered a dawn encore to the sundown session. After which I complemented Paula on her tender scrotal attentions. "Glad you liked it," she said "I'm still really nostalgic for mine..."
Suddenly a huge male lion jumps out in front of them and standing on its hind legs stands up producing the most enormous hard on.
The two photographers are frozen in fright......slowly but surely one of them reaches down into his rucksack and pulls out a pair of Nike trainers......which he sets about putting on.
”There’s no point in that” says the other photographer “ You can’t possibly out run him.”
“ I know that......I’m just making sure I can out run you.”
Every joke on here been posted multi times before, close this poxy thread.
Firstly, I cannot remember yesterday so every joke is fresh
Secondly, miserable bastards never get them anyway
Thirdly, it is not compulsory to open the thread.
As we were stripping off a voice came out of the bed saying "I hope that's not the fat bird from last week"
The girl said "what the fuck was that"
I said "It's that bastard memory foam mattress"
As Frank Carson, used to say.......
A bus broke down, and the driver set about fixing it himself. After a while the passengers were getting restless, so the conductor went to check. "Do you want a screwdriver?" he asked, and the driver replied "No, we're ten minutes late as it is."
Think it got him banned from the BBC.