This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a bloke in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.
Their windows are open and he yells at the fella in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?"
The bloke in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." replied the rolls Royce driver.
Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Ok” said the rolls bloke.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!" The light turns green and the man in the Granada takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada.
He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada.
The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Granada shouts, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
A male gorilla at the zoo had been separated from his mate for several months and was really horny. One night after the zoo had closed and all the animal keepers had left, he decided he was going to tear the bars apart and screw the first thing he could find. As he left his cage and ran through the zoo he came upon a lion sleeping in the grass. He really wasn't thrilled with his find but since he had promised himself he would take the first thing he could get, he grabbed the lion and screwed it.
Just as the gorilla finished, the lion awoke and was really pissed. The lion started chasing the gorilla through the zoo and was beginning to gain on him. The gorilla turned a corner and saw a park bench with a newspaper on it. Thinking quickly, the gorilla sat down on the bench and held the newspaper in front of him like he was reading it. When the lion turned the corner he stopped at the park bench. Not knowing what was behind the newspaper he asked the reader if he had seen a gorilla run by.
From behind the paper, the gorilla said, 'You mean the one that screwed the lion?' The lion shook his head and shouted, 'Oh no! It's already in the papers!'
Another one of his ' I was walking along a very narrow cliff path and this rather large lady was walking towards me, I didn't know whether to block her passage or toss myself off'.
Think it got him banned from the BBC.
It did. I mentioned that when I posted the same joke a couple of years ago.
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a bloke in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.
Their windows are open and he yells at the fella in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?"
The bloke in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." replied the rolls Royce driver.
Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Ok” said the rolls bloke.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!" The light turns green and the man in the Granada takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada.
He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada.
The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Granada shouts, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
The Roller driver was so disgruntled that he pulled up beside a vagrant and told him the car was his.
He gave him a quick run down on the main features, phone, fax, double bed etc and tossed the keys to the vagrant. The vagrant then spotted some golf tees on the dash. 'What are they for?' asked the vagrant. 'Oh, you put your balls on them while you're driving'. said our hero.
The vagrant couldn't believe it, 'Wow, Rolls Royce think of everything!'
met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where in tarnation have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - it’s even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes, it is," the bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the drunk arsehole that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near.....
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast . He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak: "My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra." "My daughter Gráinne, you take the apartments over in Malone Road." "My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre." "Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They’d no idea the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..
"Property?”, his wife replies. “The fuckin eejit had a window cleaning round."
12 November: Rishi Sunak lights Diwali candles outside 11 Downing Street. Diwali candles represent the extirpation of evil and the banishment of evildoers.
13 November: Dominic Cummings packs his belongings up into a cardboard box and leaves Downing Street.
This may be of interest to one of you. A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for England v Scotland. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at Hamilton Registry Office, at 2.30pm. The bride's name is Moira, she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.
VERY INTERESTING FACTS ! ! Dead Penguins - I never knew this! Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Comments
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!"
The light turns green and the man in the Granada takes off.
Now, what was that Redjohn said about every joke?
"Well, I work for Cunard".
The Irish guy says
"Well, I work fucking hard as well but I can't afford one of them there cars".
He gave him a quick run down on the main features, phone, fax, double bed etc and tossed the keys to the vagrant. The vagrant then spotted some golf tees on the dash. 'What are they for?' asked the vagrant. 'Oh, you put your balls on them while you're driving'. said our hero.
The vagrant couldn't believe it, 'Wow, Rolls Royce think of everything!'
... OK not a new joke, it's just been recycled!
Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near.....
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast . He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak: "My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra." "My daughter Gráinne, you take the apartments over in Malone Road." "My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre." "Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They’d no idea the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..
"Property?”, his wife replies. “The fuckin eejit had a window cleaning round."
Yep I thought that. Not hilariously funny but a bloody good spot.
the little African boy I was sponsoring has been eaten by a lion
The nearest you will get to to seeing the Queen bashing the Bishop.
they said you can cartwheel down the street for all we care!
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."